Step dad doesnt understand mums illness or needs

Sorry for the stress you are under I would ring the Macmillian helpline for advice and support .Do you have an oncologist you can  speak to ? There should be specialist nurses involved in your mums case they could maybe speak to your step dad for you. It sounds as if he is in denial about your mum and probably dosent want to face whats going on he just wants everything as it was before mum was ill people react in different ways . Really you can only do your best when you are there when your not you have to hope for the best easier said than done but if you  make yourself ill you wont be able to help mum at all .Are there any family members that can help with housework or shopping meal prep . If he has never been involved with domestic chores before he may be struggling . There must be someone he does listen too if you can get them to talk to him it may help . Also can your university give you support dont underestimate the effects of long term caring can have on people .Hope this had help good luck to you lots of hugs xx

Hi

You can only do your best. Your choice of words is interesting; 'fighting him'; a battle seems not to be the best way to help him understand. But you're understandably exasperated and it sounds like a third party is needed. You could try calling the helpline, and speak to one of our experts who might be able to advise you, or ask your mum's GP or specialist nurse to speak to your stepdad. You need to remember to look after yourself too. I know it sounds trite, but it's so easy to get run down and there might be some ideas, via the link, that could help you as well. I hope you find a solution soon.

Thinking of you,

Hi  and LoobyLou49, he has been to doctors appointments with us, I have got him to read the macmillan literature, both mum and I have spent a lot of time trying to explain things to him (before we got to frustrated it became fighting, initially we were quite patient) and I have got the macmillan nurse at the hospital to have a conversation with him after mum ended up with a bad infection in the hospital one time and none of this seems to have made any difference. He keeps saying "yes, I know" when we/people talk to him, then goes and does something risky. Even if he is in denial about it, she was diagnosed 10 years ago and had her first chemo 5 years ago, I know it doesn't get easier and people react differently, but he surely has to process it sometime? For mum's sake as it's not uncommon during chemo for her to end up in hospital with an infection and neutropenia, and I am certain some of those were directly because of him. She is getting weaker each time she goes through and we have been told this one is more aggressive than the previous rounds.

Mum has 2 sisters that live relatively close by, but both their husbands are ill so they also have their hands full. University have been quite understanding for the most part, but neither my department nor student services seem to have a clue what provisions/help are available - thats another issue. Although getting help with some meal preps/caring etc may help a bit, there is nothing, short of me moving back home and being there all the time, that would ensure what he does doesn't put her at risk. He doesn't seem to understand how serious and precarious mums situation is, he was a farmer most of his life, not used to chores and with an "a bit of dirt never killed anyone" attitude. To be fair to him, he has learned to deal with many of the daily things that need doing, but can't quite do them to the level mum and I would. The odd thing is his dad isn't very well (mainly old age ailments) and has lost a leg, for some reason, in that situation he seems to be with whats going on and is helpful and seems to realise the new limitations - apparently no denial in this situation. My partner thinks he maybe only understands what he can see - his dad only has one leg, of course he can't go up the stairs on his own, mum has both legs (but an invisible lack of red blood cells) so why are stairs so difficult? 

It's frustrating as if he was helpful, the situation would be difficult but manageable between the two of us but currently I'm sick with worry that he will do something that would be dangerous to her while I'm away and I know I will blame myself for not being there if something happens because I couldn't get it through to him. I think I will try the helpline, I think its the only thing I haven't tried yet, but not sure what else they could suggest.

Hi ,

It must be dreadful for you and, if nothing else, perhaps the experts on the helpline could help you to cope with your own emotions. It's easy to understand your concern but however hard it is, you cannot be responsible for her 24/7 care and you have your own life to live. It sounds like your stepdad's hygiene is around the level of my husband's so I can see the difficulty, but you cannot blame yourself for something that is out of your control. Information can't be forced down someone's throat. I hope the helpline experts can come up with something. Thinking of you.

Hugs,

Hi there,

sorry to pop in but just wondered if you have spoken to your Macmillan team about companion service? I’ve just heard about this whereby someone can be around to sit with your mum when you’re not there, prepare meals, do shopping etc. I know this doesn’t solve your concerns re step dad but it may give some reassurances that there is a service available who I’m sure would be a good intermediary.

have you tried writing down your concerns for your step dad? He may well just be choosing to ignore your voice as you are both close to your mum and it’s become a battle of wills. If this is the case perhaps you could request some joint counselling where you can both put your points across and find a compromise 

Hi

The Companion service is mostly for chatting and can include light tasks but is not meant to be an intermediary; that would be putting a companion in a difficult position. The specialist nurse, GP and counsellors are the ones who could mediate; a good idea for someone to sit with, but it's not intended for long hours.

Hi, maybe I used the wrong word I was meaning just someone else to be around. I did mention nurses and counsellors to help both sides to get their point across without falling out 

Hi, how could we get access to joint counselling? 

Hi ,

Counselling can be arranged through a GP for couples and family therapy, but there's often a long waiting list depending on where you live and availability. Therapy is also available privately although I have no idea of cost.