Do they have to be so selfish?

Hi Pogo45,

Thank you for having reached out to the group. There is absolutely no need to feel terrible or guilty for having done so or for feeling the way you do.

It is an extremely difficult situation you find yourself in. And it is important to talk about these situations with others who are going or have gone through similar situations.

I do think that it is true that people become selfish when they are so sick, as my husband used to say, "Suffering makes you selfish".

I think it is important to try and have compassion for them knowing that, if we were the suffering ones, so ill and weak and with perhaps little time left in this life, we would be the same and then it would be our loved ones who feel that we are selfish and push them away. But

I think there are many reasons for the selfishness. One certainly is that their situation is so serious, often life-threatening, that they are in a lot of fear and worry; they literally can't think about anything else but things to do with the illness. In other cases, the suffering itself may be so all-consuming - pain, weakness, nausea, headaches, aches and pains, side-effects from medication... - that it is all-consuming. In many cases, people simply don't have the energy to engage in things anymore.

Of course, having said all this, it still is very, very difficult and heart-breaking when one is in your situation because you feel you have given up everything and are prepared to do everything for your loved one and all you get back is this. And there is no doubt about it: saying that you are the last thing on her mind is harsh and there is no need for this at all really.

Perhaps you could find a way to express, without much expectation of engaging in a deep conversation about it, what you feel. Something like, "I know that this situation is really difficult and painful for you. But when you said this to me it really hurt."

I know similar situations from my husband and myself, particularly from the last couple of months of his life. It was sometimes difficult. But I reminded myself that a lot of the time it was the illness speaking and not really him. There were times, however, when I had to step away because, as you say, being sick doesn't give anyone the right to be abusive or insulting and sometimes I simply had to say, "This is enough! I am there for you always, but right now I have to look after myself!"

I hope this helps.

Love, Mel.

Hi Mel,

This was so nice it made me tear up, so thank you for that (the nice words not the tears lol!). It's a very hard situation and I'm completely understanding of life changing and her having so much on her mind and so much to deal with in her own head. for long enough I haven't put myself first and family and friends are saying I need to start thinking about and looking after myself again. It just feels that there is no appreciation, every now and again I might get "thanks for this" but it's the horrible words as if I'm not important and I shouldn't be even thinking of myself. Family support is good but at the end of the day they don't realise the extent of the break down in relationship, I dont think anyone realises until they go through it how much this journey really affects partners too. I just wish there was some way that I could help make my partner see that I'm not made of stone and I'm not just a robot built to do every day activities and not have feelings. It's very hurtful, very stressful and feeling like a zombie 24/7. Sorry for the complete rant, it's been long and hard keeping it in to myself this length

I really hear you. I understand your hurt and pain about the lack of appreciation. It's very hard.

I can't be entirely sure of course since I don't know your partner, but I believe that she feels the appreciation for everything you do but just can't express it.

Do you think there is something you could do to look after yourself a little more? Writing here and all the sharing and listening is great. But how about something like meditation, either on your own or with a group of people in your area, or yoga perhaps? Just something that gets you out of the situation for a little way and offers a way for you to relax and reconnect with yourself again?

Love, Mel.

I am sure your partner knows all that you are doing and feels a lot of appreciation for you, even though she doesn't express it

Dear Pogo45

please don’t feel bad about writing what you feel. I’m having very similar things from my husband and I totally get what you say. Writing things down and saying it out loud helps to relieve your emotions. I understand it must be difficult for those struggling with this dreadful illness but we must remind ourselves this affects us too as partners suddenly thrust into a world of medics and technical jargon. Along with this we also have to pick up everything that goes with it, fear, worry and additional chores whilst being a carer with little thanks. 

I have taken solice knowing that this isn’t personal as those of us who do speak out find we are not alone. Yes I agree that treatment can make the “patient” react in the way that they do but they still have a choice and just the odd kind word, hug or thank you would help us to carry on in the selfless way we do as husband, wife, or other family member.

if I can offer any advice it’s to take time for yourself & your family. I’ve only just started to do this and I can say hand on heart it has been a relief to “put the bags down” just for a few hours to lighten the load. Please ring any helpline and just talk it relieves the lonely feeling and gives you the strength to somehow carry on.

you are important too so take care of you & don’t feel guilty

sending a hug  

Hi ,

You're not a horrible person. Two teenagers in one household is stress enough, add cancer to the equation and it moves into another ballgame altogether. No, you shouldn't have to put up with nastiness; different people react so differently, but it's no wonder you're at the end of your tether. I would suggest you phone her specialist nurse for a chat and some advice, they have worked with such situations so many times. You could also call the helpline for expert advice, emotional, financial and more.

Thinking of you,

Thank you for your kind words, it's reassuring in the most positive sense that I'm not alone and others know how I am feeling. It's not a nice feeling at all, I've grown to understand that everyone reacts differently in situations, but I still find it hard to have to just accept the rubbish attitude towards me. I can deal well with the downers and grumpy moods, it's just the lack of appreciation that seems to shine through, it's almost as if I'm just getting in her way and she sees it that it's her going through it and not anyone else. Family support on both sides have been fantastic but at the end of the day they go home, they have not dealt with anything in comparison. Feels like I do so much but it's as if it's all just expected of me at this point, and once I stop it gets noticed and then I feel guilty.  

I know it's a long long process and when the treatment stops it is only really the beginning of the thought process for it all, but 95% of conversations are about cancer or treatment or something related there's no interest into how my day may have been, and if I talk about it I am lucky if I get any sort of a response. I feel that I am important but maybe not important enough to still be here.'m not sure that the relationship will ever go in the direction that it once was and feel that this is the way it is going to be now

Hi, totally understand as l am going through similar. It hurts a lot when the person you try your hardest to care for is nasty to you. I have been reduced to tears several times. I tell myself, my husband can't help it , but knows he's doing it as he says later, l do love you, you know. Keep your chin up. 

Hello there

Reading your post and wondering how you are?It is very difficult I know to be on the receiving line of fire.I have good and bad days with my husband.With all that we do,willingly, just a little kiss or smile to say thank you would really help!

Have noticed the selfish behaviour increase too but he was always a bit like that so that is fine,or sort of anyway.

Just try and find some time for yourself,a walk helps me,as does writing everything down to offload a bit?

Have you been in touch with the MacMillan helpline yet? I have a great lady here in France who works for the Cancer Support France .

Really helps !!!

Good luck and have a good day.

Hugs Fifinet.

Hi Fifinet

Sorry to hear you are going through a similar journey. It is very tough. I think I've just had to try and accept it, as much as I hate it and ignore as much as I can of it. I find it so difficult though and feel there should be thought toward those who are putting their life on hold to make sure the OHs are getting the best support. I struggle with it day and daily and still get "why are you quiet" or "why are you grumpy" as if those previous conversations are non-existent. I'm at the point where I feel more like a maid than a partner and wondering is this what life is now . I hope you're getting much more support in France!

Pogo

It's very hurtful when reduced to tears, I feel your pain, I am like this most days at this point. I very rarely get the "I love you" anymore and makes me wonder is it even still there, makes me wonder has cancer changed her feelings completely. I have asked if it would be better for me to leave, to be left with no response. If I was getting some sort of reassurance I possibly wouldn't feel quite as crap! I try and tell myself that it is temporary and that she doesn't mean it, but I've been telling myself this for quite some time and I'm not seeing much in way of change. I do hope it changes soon, I feel like sometimes when she is being in crap mood that she blames it on the cancer or chemotherapy so that she has an excuse, she never was one for admitting when she was wrong that's why I say this . Hope you're getting a better time at the minute.