Constantly shouted at or put down

Morning keepwalking01 

Sorry to read you are going through the carers nightmare scenario.

It is always so much harder caring for someone who has a glass half empty attitude :(

She may be angry at the cancer, the treatments for it, the way it has affected all your lives and robbed you of your plans - Probably all of the above to some extent but that isn't an excuse for being permanently 'nasty' although you are more than likely the only one she can take her frustrations out on - Hopefully your daughter isn't getting some of the backlash as well ?

Mostly the anger at cancer stage passes as the patient accepts what is going on, has this been going on for a long time or is this gradually getting worse ?

I think all carers absorb cancer angst at times - it comes with the job, but not if this is constant, you don't get a break from it, so no wonder you take yourelf away for a while.

Do you think your wife may be depressed and in need of some form of counselling or is she just a feisty lady who is lashing out ?  Cancer will certainly open up any cracks there may be; could it be she is using cancer to drive a wedge between you, some even think they are now not worthy and will try to drive partners away - The cancer rock lobbed in the lake causes so many ripples :-/

Hopefully others who have experience of anger will reply to advise on the best way to help you all through this, G n J

Hi KW

It sounds like you need one of the special carers t shirts

On the front it says  ' This is not my fault'

There is a special pocket on one side where you keep your sanity, and one on the other side where you keep your hankie to have a weep into.

We've all got one.

XxxNiobe 

I think many of us on here have experienced this. My husband can be really horrible to me sometimes. In his case, it is usually when he is feeling sick and tired from the chemo. And unfortunately he is on chemo indefinitely (palliative) so no end of treatment for him to look forward to.

Hi. Yes i think everyone who is a carer gets this treatment at some point. I sometimes wonder if my husband is trying to drive a wedge between us because he knows i will be left alone before too long and he thinks it might be easier if he is nasty so i will beglad when its al over. That is not true by the way.  I am devastated by his prognosis but i cant make him see things from any point of view but his own. It must be so hard for you with a young child. As you say you have to tryand rise above it. Not easy. I wkish you well. Lesley

Hi there, I've just become a member of this site today. The first post I read was your one Lesley. My patner is doing the same to me. He has always been a respectful gentleman but he is totally disrespecting me, rude, shouting at me, throwing tantrums and what's worse when the District Nurse or McMillan Nurse or Social Works came to assess for the first time a couple of days ago, he did the same again in front of them My problem is I cannot and will not take abuse from anyone. I have the personality that takes no prisoners !! So I end up losing the plot. Flite or Fight suituation. The Fight comes first and every body present seems to me like the enemy Now some of the professionals said nothing but the young Social Worker turned on me and actually squared up to me in the hallway !!! Silly wee lassie, I squared straight back immediately, actually willing her to smack me in the mouth but fortunately the older Male Social worker ushered her out the house. I've been lucky so far with cancer. I have survived Cervical Cancer 6 years ago then and after a Mastectomy for Breast Cancer just under 3 years ago but to be true fully honest being a carer seems much much more harder then actually going through those two cancers myself. I've not got a clue how I'm going to cope but I know if someone respects me then I will respect them back. Right now, I'm straightening the Crown on my head, trying my best to stand tall and proud and remember who's Daughter I'm. My head and torso are here in Scotland but my Legs are lying on a beach in Lanzarota, really really struggling right now, but deep down I believe you, me, and all the other Carers will come through the other end safety, that's what I'm wishing for anyway xx 

lesj this is exactly how I feel, pushed away, is it to try to make it easier for me?  My partner has always been a pessimist, I try to be the bright optomistic one but even that is failing me now.  We are over a year on the journey, palliative chemo seems to be keeping him quite well, but his attitude appears to be "I am ill I can't do anything"  (other than sit and watch TV all day) - anything I do or say is wrong, if I go shopping or to work he often sarcastically tells me to 'have a nice time'.  I hope and pray that his treatment continues to keep him well, but feel there is nothing to look forward to anymore, no holidays, no going out - he won't go unless it is for treatment.  This could go on for years, but this is just surviving for both of us, what memories am I going to have if the worst does happen, but then I feel selfish for thinking like this.  

I think many lash out at those nearest. They are frightened,angry and resentful. My husband was verbally having"a go at me". Mostly I would walk away and then return fairly soon and talk as if nothing had been said. My grown up children and a friend challenged him. He told me he knew he was negative and recognised how much he depended on me.   He still becomes impatient/ stroppy and unreasonable but now usually admits the situation. See if someone else close could chat to your wife maybe the palliative care nurse.  Keep strong both for yourself and your little girl

Hi - I am struggling with my husband's behaviour at the minute. He had major surgery to remove throat cancer 18 months ago and no longer has a voice - he communicates by using a text to voice app on his phone. He also had a stroke during the 12 hr operation. Reconstructive surgery left him feeding liquids and meds through a syringe connecting to a rig. He is able to take very small amounts of food via the mouth but he finds it very difficult to eat because of the damage to tissues after radiotherapy. He has struggled with depression for a number of years prior to the diagnosis but he is becoming more depressed and on maximum dose of antidepressants. Sadly I am on the receiving end of verbal abuse on a regular basis and feel more like a slave than his carer. He demands are constant usually waiting until I sit down to want something fetching or a drink making. I know this probably sounds very selfish on my part but I am so tired and fed up with everything. My gp is also his gp and is fully aware of everything but powerless to do anything. He is able to do things himself but he does nothing except sit on the lap top buying things off ebay. My health is not good as I have diabetes and have had four hand operations in the last two years. He will not have carers in and I am starting to dread each coming day ........ Janet 

Hi Janet.  I cant offer any real advice only to say i really feel for you. In a similar posituon myself sometimes i cant even get to the bathroom before i am needed. Its all too much sometimes isnt it. What terrible things this disease does to us all. Thinking of you. Lesley

Thanks Lesley - just feel so alone sometimes, husband so wrapped up in himself he never even asked how i was after i had day surgery on my leg to remove a lump - thankfully it turned out to be harmless. I got home at 4pm and was preparing his feed and meds two hours later. At midnight i had to get out of bed and fetch him some morphine. Just feel so guilty when i get impatient and feel like a slave. He lives in the here and now and whatever he wants has to be done instantly. It is a terrible disease and it truly affects everyone but he is a survivor and clear of the cancer but is a half empty glass kind of person. Don't think he understands how hard it is to be a carer. sound like a right selfish miserable individual but am really struggling with him at the minute. Thank you for your support it means a lot. Janet