For those with a warped sense of humour WARNING- no punches pulled here

Where to start....lots of talk of cats, pooping, suggestive eating of bananas, lycra, making Tim a jacket for the dinner, bowling, drinking and general misbehaviour. Must be on warped!!!

Clairybel, glad you got to see your niece. My grandson is still not back up to birthweight (7lb) so is really tiny, but is starting to get a personality, and gave his Granny some smiles. He has weed on his mummy's trousers 3 times, and I said that perhaps he was letting her know what he thought of them. She said she didn't like them much but were the only ones that stayed up! He also was sick on my cardigan when I put him on my shoulder. Ha ha! They went to introduce him to J's family in Kent this weekend and had to stay until today because of the weather.....R reckons that they'd hired a snow machine specially to keep them down there.

Great that Knobhead been put in place. There's one in every workplace unfortunately, as I keep telling youngest. Here's to a successful course on teaching of phonics (so what's new? Just some person making lots of money because they have written a book reworking what has been taught since before I was a girl!) Keep thinking about it bringing time closer when you are off with Max for fun and frolics!

Tim, here's to a successful dinner this weekend....hope the snow stays away. Colin, Bath was in the top 5 warmest parts of the country this weekend. Lovely place. Hubby and I stayed in Bath Priory and Spa Hotel just over a year ago....a prize won for getting a letter in a newspaper. Very classy, and we did add on an extra night and eat there one night.....Executive chef is Michael Caines (no, not the one in Zulu)

Hope all has gone smoothly for Respect today. Tough saying our final goodbyes to nearest and dearest.

My statistic for surviving SCT was 30%......need I say more. Statistics and damn statistics!!!

Well hubby making me bacon on crispbread and then we're off to buy bananas, cucumber, courgettes.........

Well done for those who have exercised restraint (gold star Hils)

Keep laughing

Hugs to you all

Louise xx

Can you imagine being called Michael Caine? How man people would you have to punch in the face for doing the voice, or saying "My name is - " or "You were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!" Never mind funny once, silly twice, it wouldn't even be funny once.

Do any of the teachery types remember something called the Initial Teaching Alphabet? I'm pretty sure it was a Guvmint conspiracy to ensure illiteracy in an entire generation. I just missed it, so I was lucky, but I don't know what they were thinking.

The latest trend is to teach babies sign language before they can speak. I say if god had meant us to use sign language, he'd've given us fingers ... oh, wait.

Oh, the weather here is so miserable. The pretty snow has gone, leaving grey, slippery slush, and it's foggy. Yuck! Judy has a stinking cold, and I've spent so much time on the computer that my arms are seizing up. And I am dreading the thought of going back to normal. 'Normal' sucked.

xx

Hello warpees I have some very funny news for you!

Shall we do a preamble first? What's that you say? Oh yes, lets? Ok then...

I went to school and we have what is called the 'quiet room' where children who can't be quiet in lessons get sent to.... I guess to be quiet.! Of course the kind of kids who can't sit still and quiet in a classroom aren't going to do that anywhere, but hey, that's the way it goes and its better than being shouted at I guess.

So there are teachers manning the quiet room. I am exempt such duties (artfully played cancer card- phasing in etc) So, the person who is meant to be in there has not turned up and the reserve is ill and no one else is around so I am asked please please can you take your laptop in there and work instead of your hut till someone arrives at 10am.

Oh go on then says LM. Which just made me laugh cos I was sat on the naughty step. I have a problem as I can't do the stern look without giggling and not very good at being cross with kids and lets face it, I'm sort of one of them... so I tried to look grumpy but failed miiserably and of course the first thing I did was get my shiny phone out and play with you lot till the signal failed. I think the teachers got wind it was me in there cos they didn't send many kids over...

Did my lessons and did get grumpy with one of my boys who was calling another boy a ' butt pirate' and when I challenged him, said' I was only calling him a homo fairy what's wrong with that?' That got me very cross and he went to the quiet room where a proper scary teacher was now ensconced. Tomorrow I shall feed him to the crocodiles.

Back to the staffroom thinking can I sneak off early, when nobhead comes in and says can I have a word. OH LORD SAVE ME!!

I guess so, if you make it quick says LM..

So, and here's the funny bit.... He says to me, I want to apologise to you. When I heard that so and so had said such and such, I thought it was you who had told on me and it wasn't and I am sorry for not trusting you. I don't have a problem with you (liar) but I have encouraged others when they have said things against you  and I have done some wrong things so I am now going to stick up for you all the time and put anyone else like Mrs NH straight when they have a go about you....!!!!!! I'm sorry.

I was gracious in accepting the apology like you wouldn't believe.... What made me laugh is that he has just put it all on mrs NH now. Not sure I want him on a mission to save me, but happy he is on my side hehe. I wonder if it could have anything to do with my boss saying he was going to sack the lot of them and make them reapply for their jobs saying whether they can work with people or not ?? HAHAAAAAAA!

Oh that did make me laugh. Can't wait to see what he starts doing in my defence now!

Hilary, you were never normal so don't worry about going back to it cos it was never there. As you have proved you can live off crumbs and air, don't go back to rotten job... find something new to do. I would like you to be my personal wwf friend and all round general amuser... not sure how much I could pay, but could be a fun job......?

I have never heard of  the teaching alphabet and to be honest I am a bit ropey on the one we have got too.... its all a load of bollocks I say which is why I can't take this weekend I have got to do seriously. Its to tick some boxes on this course and I am never going to do it.. I am getting nervous that they don't have internet access down there but I will write a diary blog and save it up if they don't haha so kind, I know...

OK, got to go and catch up with stuff...

Hugs galore

Little My xxx

ps Hilary, what made you think of Michael Caine? xxx

It's going to get faffing cold again this week....

Odin, sorry I may have slightly mislead you, I wasn't questioning your real age (Colin) I was referring to the real Odin! Well I can see now why you said about young people play bowls too! I like skittles and so I reckon I could get into bowls, you never know.

Hey Louise, nice cardigan by the way, ooh hang on Louise.... I am now calling you posh! "I stayed in the Priory in Bath", well laa dee daa! I once went there with work and they served a different wine with each course. When I asked if they did a 7 course menu they didn't find it funny! Michael Caines (the chef LM) is amazing, he only has one arm and that's not a joke. You won't find a better hotel than the Priory Odin, if money is no object!

Nice to read LM that nobhead (Mr) has turned over a new leaf. Whether he shit himself at the fear of losing his job or he has really woken up, I always give credit to a person who is big enough to apologise. Course if he starts again you can shaft him big time!

I got out all my bits of paper and notes today to start writing my speech, and found something else to do. I fear I am falling into the dreaded last minute job! Still good news today I got given £115 from work mates for raffle tickets, and I think I will get more yet. Also Macmillan (local) really liked the ball idea and have a wrote a press release to send to the local press. Not sure if it will be used but hey. Shit more preessure on the speech!

My wife is still very poorly and a chap at work went home sick, I cannot afford to get the lurgy! Think I'll take Wednesday afternoon off to get the DJ, and then off to see TEACHERS at parents evening.

Finally good luck Lesley on the drug trial tomorrow.

Tight lines

Tim xxx

It is altogether too grey and miserable and depressing to be properly warped at the moment. Judy has a cold and has gone back to bed, and I'm considering my future and have come to the following conclusion: meh.

That said - does anyone else hope that the lady with the wig business who's posted in half-a-dozen or so different comms this morning will turn out to be fake, just so we can all sing WIG SPAM, MA'AM, GOTTA MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND?

Just me? I thought as much.

I wish something positive had come out of my cancer 'journey' - maybe I should've packed a suitcase - but it didn't, here I am, still me. No wonder I'm bloody depressed.

Meh, I say again.

Hope other people are in better places.

xx

Hilary, I just missed being taught using ita. Bloody stupid idea because pupils were then taught proper reading at 7. People taught ita have always struggled with spelling since as it was like learning a new way of writing, and they published books using ita.....

Tim, is there a job going at your place? Think I could manage going to places like The Priory. What a perk! I sent them in a spin because I was trying to place a herb that had been used on my steak, asked the waitress, and heard the chef ask her if I didn't like the meal. I sent her straight back to let him know that madam was LOOOOOOOOOving it! Michael Caine lost the arm because he fell asleep at the wheel of his car....he's a real workaholic.

I do like posh when it happens. Memorable 50th a few years back when I went to Le Manoir because I adore Raymond Blanc. Hubby arranged for us to stay the weekend, and they upgraded us to the Lalique suite! We had a 10 course taster menu, and we were invited to go round the kitchens beforehand, and Raymond's 2nd in command linked arms with me so I would not slip. He changed a few things for me on the menu, and we had different wines for each course. Boy, was I tired the next day! Only thing that spoiled it was that the man himself was not there :-(

Well, its good to hear that the dinner arrangements are coming together. Hope your wife feels better soon, and that you manage to avoid it. Hubby was back at doctors yesterday and has gone for a chest x-ray today.

LM, Nobhead on the run!!! Well its good to hear that he obviously had a think about his actions and has realised the error of his ways, no matter how long it took him to have his Damascus moment, though its a bit scary thinking what he might say/do to support you....better the devil you know....this is a new creature!

Now you have not told it right missy. You were sent to join the naughty boys and girls because you were playing up in one of those meetings. Probably playing on a shiny toy.....wasn't it wwf with Hils?

Does anybody watch The Big C? American and a bit off the wall, but the main character would fit in well here. She had been off work (teacher!) whilst having treatment for cancer. She is terminal now (although going to test new treatment) and had returned to work. Some kids were doing some fundraising for her and had made a load of cupcakes with a C on. When she saw them the girls said "Cupcakes for Cathy, That's why they have a C on" To which she replied, "C is for cancer" and strolled into her classroom. Her poor son had a lockerful of the things as he got them for free everytime he walked past a seller!

Good luck to everyone having trials, tests, check-ups this week. Wonder how Ems is getting on with her wee bottle????

Colin, off to watch something I recorded from Arts2 yesterday......Chopin preludes. :-)

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Wow!!!!!! NH is a reformed character and like smokers who have given up is going round to convert others to his cause. I do hate it when the enemy changes tack because you are not sure what is coming next! But, I'm not sure he has the intelligence to do that so I'm glad LM was gracious in accepting his apology. I would have loved to see that face! Do you think he had a message from on high? I mean higher than anyone at the school.

LM in charge of the naughty corner? Is that poacher turned gamekeeper or something?

Tim, there's no need to say sorry on this site, even if you were calling in the time team to work out my age. So long, that is, they don't want to cut my head in half to count the rings. And what do you mean the real Odin, are you calling me a fake?! Hope you don't take your kids to see Father Christmas.

Warpland seems to be a refuge for those who leave writing their speeches to the very last moment. Hope you've got it sorted now.

Good luck with the Ball! Macmillan seem to have upped their profile when it comes to advertising, so I wouldn't be surprised if the local paper use it. Better make sure that DJ is a good fit in case they want your photo for the article. And I hope Baggy behaves when you are making that speech.

Oh we are in posh company here, we know about LM and Waitrose, and now we have two people who have been to the Priory, and even Le Manoir! Gosh! I shall have to start shopping at M&S to keep up!

There are some lovely hotels in Bath, most of which were already booked for weddings on the dates we were looking at, but we have chosen a nice one and they have given us a good deal.

Hope your wife is soon better, Tim, and you don't go down with the lurgy.

The biggest welsh cwtches to you Hilary; hurry and beat LM at WWF because that will cheer everybody up!

Louise, I hope you enjoyed the Chopin. I'm sure you were in good company since they say that at any time, someone somewhere is listening to or playing Chopin. My favourite piece is his Etude "Tristesse" which my wife used to play when learning the piano.

Hugs for Ems who is going to need all the hugs, cwtches and Krams going spare in the coming weeks.

Ah, Catzebell, good luck for Tom with the scan on Thursday. Don't worry about Mum, most of us miss half of what is said to us when it involves cancer. Wish we could miss the disease as easily.

Hugs also for Respect, since I expect she needs them.

In fact, welsh cwtches all round,

Odin xxx

Hi my lovely warpees...

I am knackered and can hardly type!! Hoorah say the rest of you....

Nobhead may have apologised for being nasty about me, but i still have to sit in  a meeting with him for 2 hours today going on about crap as usual. He has only reformed in that he said he would defend me if anyone else has a go at me, but as it is only him and mrs nh who do, not a lot for him to do really. He still creates chaos etc. Not complaining cos I am glad he said he was sorry and glad he is not complaining about me...

I suddenly don't seem to have enough hours in the day... and am almost starting to look forward to the operation so I can have a rest!!!! Tomorrow I have got a parents evening . Thursday off to normal school to play there for the morning and then back to school to teach and then get ready for trips and things and meetings after school which I might not go to cos Friday I am teaching in the morning and then going off at lunchtime to this weekend thing in Kent which is now Tunbridge wells and not Cnaterbury. It may be awful beyond belief as 2 of the famous retreat people are going. the other 2 are fun, but mates so I may get cornered by retreat 2. eeek and don't know if there is wifi so you may get paragraphless pleas for help from my phone!

Cruton, you need to rev up your bin for rescue mission!!!

Come back on Sunday night and then 3 days of watching builders demolish my fireplace and put a woodburner in, going to see ems on the Thursday beofre she gets incarcerated, Drive down to Devon to pck up Max on the Friday, come back Satuday and off with my class on Sunday for a week to Devon in yurts, no electricity or wifi though might be able to sneak on at some point from the office or phone if I can get a signal. ( I know its going down to get max and then back down the next day again  but i need to get his stuff here and we are going on the coach and its complicated mum rescue stuff too and i have booked us into a hotel for the night again. Not a posh one this time, but by the sea at least... )

When I come back it is pre op appointments, GC check up and then operation eeeeeeeeeek!

3 days of builders will be able to catch up and tell you tales of the weekend away...

In the meantime, if you don't hear much from me, don't worry, just too busy or tired...

Oh and did you hear about the cat that walked onto the football pitch at  Anfield in the middle of the game? hahaaaa Love it!! Cats are best.

Huge squidgy hugs to you all and a big sunshine brightness to fill your rooms and chase away the blues....

Little My xxxxx

Little My, your big sis is going to tell you off because you are doing TOO MUCH, and just because you are wearing invincible knickers does not mean that YOU are invincible. Step away from the retreat 2....can you arrange signal with mates for rescue....scratch your nose or sumfing! Can you tell I was in the Secret Service???

Building work sounds like fun, but afterwards you will be able to luxuriate in front of that lovely woodburner with your kittens :-)

Give Ems a special big squeeze from me when you see her. It will be good that she has something to take her mind off her next stage. So much riding on this, and I know that it was the first time I had serious wobbles, cos my statistic could not have been much worse, but then again I had no other option, as they couldn't find me a donor for bone marrow. As I said to Ems, I was a naughty patient who, in the words of one of the many consultants I saw, had a very naughty cell that liked to hide when I had scans, but then caused trouble later!

Yeah to time with Max and another stay in a hotel....not so posh as you have spent all your money on shiny, shiny bits! Is there money left for your wedding dear?

Now when you get back from the week with kids you are to TAKE THINGS EASY and build up your strength for the operation. No good going in there knackered. You need to be in optimum condition for your op and should not be jeopardising this for anyone. So tell everyone at work to get stuffed if they are putting on you, and put yourself first!!! That's telling you!

Colin, I thoroughly enjoyed listening to Chopin Preludes. It was a recording of Ashkenazy from 1980. I love seeing him, and have also seen Barenboim. They are so expressive. My favourite concert was Paul and Yan Pascal Tortelier playing the Brahms Double Concerto in Fairfield Hall ....an 18th birthday present from an aunt.

How's the speech coming Tim? Are you going to share with us?

Speak soon

Louise xx

Hi warpies

Thanks am trying not to worry about Tom - scan tomorrow eek

LM what cat ran on to what pitch!! I must find a clip of this!!!

My sandwich exploded in my bag this morning, I am not impressed. Its basically just two bits of bread now with all the filling stuck in the bottom of my bag :P

Going to see my lovely niece on Saturday while Tom is at the football with his dad.....

They are painting the hovel that I work in this coming weekend - what colour do you think a room with no windows should be painted??  I have volunteered to come with a sledgehammer so we can knock a window in :)

Crazycatlady xx