Welcome to Warped.
I wanted to come back in time and explain something as it doesn't make sense otherwise...(though not much of this thread makes sense anyway) I set up this thread as explained below with a lovely dear lady called Sunny Leith. We had a lot of chat on here and the silliness got me and her and lots of others through some hard times. Sunny left the site when there was some criticism of warped and she deleted all her posts when she left. That is why it doesn't make sense to start with as all her posts are missing and it is a bit of a one sided conversation.... Enjoy it all the same...
Hi there,
This is a follow on from the 'dumb things people say' recent thread that is moving here with a health warning!
If you are feeling sensitive please don't read this thread as you may feel offended.... and we need a place to say what we need to say without worrying about offending people so you have been warned!!!!
This is for those of us who cope by being irreverent and silly and able to laugh at all the bad stuff. If you want to get the idea, read the last few pages of dumb things people say, I might see if I can cut and paste a few over to get us going....
In the meantime,
Sunny, you had me laughing my head off this morning with that image of you sitting there in your underwear, chocolate mouth etc!! I think it would have been hilarious if you had answered the door and invited them in.... they certainly would have needed oxygen by the time they got back down the speed they would have run away....!
Magel, how do they find us?? I live up a very steep hill in a very remote area and they made it up the hill to us too..... mind you, they were so out of breath they couldn't speak... almost felt sorry for them!
Can't remember what else we were on about as I can't see the last post anymore but lets continue here with the laughs and anyone new, feel free to join in.
Looking forward to hearing from you
Little My x
OK Accept that I have not got the hang of this, few things against me, not planned my funeral yet, already married and maybe the bigest hurdle of all a guy !!
Ok going to try to curry some favour here and gains some brownie points with a sexist joke - ok you maybe would of guessed it was sent by a woman!!
Got this ...from a woman
How To Shower Like a Woman
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. ( I am currently trying to find where I can purchase this) Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her, making the
'woo-hoo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk hair-do.
Pish!
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain was hanging out of baththe whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake Willy at her and make the 'woo-hoo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
Enjoy John x
 Posted - 10 June 2010 : 21:09:45   
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Sorry about the typo in the title... oops though it is kind of fitting in some ways that we even spell the title wrong ha ha.....
I have cut and pasted the last 3 replies from the dumb things here to get us going again... as I can't remember the conversation and we need to start somewhere ... hoping Sue will add her latest over here too as it needs to be here... I want to add to her chemo list! and I am sure you others have got a few to add too....!
So here's mine from Saturday night.... not the funniest, but Ann's reply was so classic that it has to be here.... and won't make sense without mine, and neither would magel's. which also made me laugh-.. wondering if we should bring over the edited highlights too? What do you think? I know I've got some favourites, or maybe we just have to reminiss (how do you spelll that??? don't tell anyone I'm a teacher will you) about the good ol days and go back there sometimes. instead... Anyway... hope it works- not the greatest ICT person in the world....
Little My wrote on Saturday:
(you have to read this first bit imagining its Elvis ...)
Good evening all you lovely ladies out there and any gents who might be passing through too.... I'd like to dedicate thisnext little number to a special lil friend o mine whos had a bit of a shite (oops thats not elvis speak- never mind) day... so this ones for you Sunny Leith... take it away boys...
Right, read my blog for summary of stupid meeting but what I didn't say was some silly bum stuff that happened in the middle of it...so here it is...
As I think you have gathered I am now the proud owner of 2 bums... one is clean and shiny (if a little singed round the edges) and reserved for Sunday best only. My new everyday bum is a bit uncouth (sp?) you might say. Believe it or not, I was brought up with a very posh Swedish family- silver cutlery, napkins.. the business and I know my manners... of course most of the time I am too silly and ignore them all, but I know you don't fart at the dinner table etc. anyway, I seem to have been given a 'chav' bum by mistake.... it does what it likes when it likesand no manners whatsoever... and rather than be mortified like most, being me, I revert to being like your average 5 year old and find it hilarious when it starts farting really loudly with no control whatsover. The nurse said you might want to avoid windy foods and I wondered why... now I know... so anyway today at this meeting, i took a bottle of coke. I like a coke but those bubbles work their way through your guts at a frightening rate and out they pop in no time making the same noise as a whoopee cushion very loudly its just like a fake fart noise! Of course I get the giggles big time with this, right in the middle of the meeting and of course no-one can tell me off cos I've got a bag and they are embarrassed..... you get the picture... wish I could make it do it on command... just when someone was talking crap... parp! Maybe I can train it..... where's the coke??
Second weird thing that happened recently to me is that I usually eat very healthily... lots of salad, veg etc. I then went off all food and the thought of anything made feel sick so could only eat if I got my partner to just cook without telling me what it was and then just put it in front of me... Anyway, what happened was I started getting weird cravings for food bit like when you are pregnant and what do I crave?? Junk food... pies, pasites, kebabs, burgers etc and no veg thanks! I think its the chemo, my other half says it was the transfusion I had and I got 'white van man blood' in me... ha ha. Don't know.. but just had a kebab yum yum and more coke to wash it down with so block your ears! What am I turning into.. scary!!
Sunny, are you laughing yet?? I am actually Blue Peter girl incarnate... I can make anything out of anything- seriously a bit of a craft nut- I can make my own knife from forging the blade to carving the handle, felt a teacosy, weave a rug, make a basket so a asbestos suit is no probs!
If you all want to plan my wedding, that would be marvellous as long as we keep it siily please.... I think I need to move house, decorate, find out from the doc if I'm still gonna be around for a while etc first and then do it- so you had better hang on in there for a while longer to have a drink on me... taken 21 yrs to propose, not really going to rush into it are we ha ha I didn't lose all my hair (just boring thinning) so can't quite do the tragic cancer bride look.... but might be a good idea to do it while I'm thin cos i just know with all these kebabs and pies I'm gonna be the size of a house in no time.... what look do you reckon for a nutter who ought to know better? and where does one find shoes to match the bag?
Had another one to tell you but forgot it... will do it later if I remember....
what's funny is someone just rang and asked me to do some stuff from this meeting today and email it round and I said I was too tired to do it tonight (cancer card used up for today now) when actually what I wanted to do was write this.... oh if they ever knew..... bad girl... still as I said, there has to be some perks doesn't there?
Little Myxxx
Hope you don't mind me smoking while I'm sitting here... That's for you Little My! Was so tired last night that I had to have an early night. Today, I've been having a tart's day off (lounging about in my underwear eating chocolates and doing my nails while watching crap TV). Also had a chippie for tea. I can't understand why I'm not losing weight? Must be my glands...
I was telling my daughter M about this thread and some of things that had been posted. Particularly Magel's burial in the garden and Little My's taking my ashes to Sweden. I still laugh when I read over these stories, and the comments, sometimes on the verge of hysterics.
We were trying to put together a list of people that can send or take the rest of me overseas and I have to admit, we were struggling a bit, so gave up. However, I've just had a brainwave, Edinburgh is the tourism capital of Scotland, so I could just get the girls to hand me out to unsuspecting tourists on Princes Street offering me as a souvenir of their trip to Scotland! They could tell them it was some of the volvanic ash from Arthur's Seat. For those of you that don't know, it's a long extinct volcano in the middle of the Queen's Park, which overlooks the Palace. I'm sure the tourists would snap me up! Still need to find a volunteer to decant my ashes into all the litle boxes though.
Just thought of a song for Little My, after her comments about the coke. If you've seen the film The BFG, you'll know it. Here we go "Whizz Pop, Whizz Bang, feel the bubbles go down..."
Had a panic attack today. Nothing to do with the cancer. I had a near miss with a Jehovah's Witness. If you're a Jehovah's Witness, please don't take offence, it's just that I believe in human beings, rather than some great intangible. Besides, I get enough of God through some of my lovely friends and relatives. Anyway, the letterbox went and because I was sitting in my underwear, with wet fingernails, and a ring of chocolate round my mouth, I didn't answer the door. Just as well, because when the nails had dried and I went to look, there was a leaflet on the floor.
As I live in a top-floor flat of an old tenement, and you need oxygen to get to my door (well I do anyway) and there's a door entry system, I thought I was safe. Now I know one of my neighbours is socially irresponsible and is letting these people into the stair. I suspect it's the same one that stuck a notice on the back of the stair door asking us to ensure we closed it behind us because undesirables (street people - junkies and alcoholics) were getting into the stair. I always found the guys very polite and they at least never tried to convert me. Not one of them has ever offered me a swig from their bottle or the use of their spoon and syringe!
Hope you're all having a great weekend.
Ann x
Hi or hola as we say in Spain.
As I've mentioned we live on a mountain & our drive is the equivlent of a 1 in 5, really good for the thighs.No one visits just on the off chance (we are quite remote) one day a couple years ago 2 men appeared on our terrace, it was at least 38 degrees and they were dressed in suits & ties, they were sweating like crazy, after I got over the shock of them actually negotiating our drive i asked what they were doing there, believe it or not they were jehova witnesses, well i offered them a drink of water (I am a nice person). They then started with the usual crap (sorry any witnesses out there0 usually i say sorry i'm a catholic, I'm not but I say it with conviction usually gets rid of them, but I had my silly hat on so i asked them if they'd like to sit on the terrace and explain their beliefs (I do get bored up here in the clouds) Now i could swear that they nearly wet their pants thinking we've got one!!! It was a great hour, I think in the end i convinced them there wasn't any 'God,' that life was just a game of chance and we are all an experiment from outer space somewhere and that Jesus was an astronaut. But I do believe in Angels (just in case!!!!!!)
My song in the arms of the Angels, Hasta luego mi amigos
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Anyway, hope those have come through ok...
Better do my duty to upholding the cancer leaflet stereotype and do some gardening...(though in my case the roses can stay with their deadheads... they are the least of my worries...I just need to hack the brambles back off the path so the removal men can get up the path.... more like sleeping beauty here... don't see that in the leaflets do you?? My energy levels are still pretty rubbish so no doubt I will be back here very son and hoping to see you here with me...
Lots of love Little Myxx
