Awake and up all night

Thank you Jane for your nice post.

I've never had friends around me since moving to the coast. I didn't have many back in Croydon but at least there were a few, although they drifted away over time too.

It is a good point that I could meet younger people through the older ones at St Barnabas, but it's hard to imagine it happening as I'd have to be in a position to meet them, and then they'd judge like most people do. I know what people think when they look at me, they see a fat middle aged weirdo with white hair (thanks to those blasted meds) and not much of it. I know everyone tells me not to put myself down, but I'm only speaking what we all know to be the truth.

I don't want to say that my girlfriend doesn't support me at all. It does feel like she barely does, but if I was to say that to her, she'd get very defensive. She's in a tough position and I try to be understanding of that, even though I know she could do so much better. She has medical issues herself plus there are things she isn't telling me. I don't know what, but she's illuded to that. She's often cold with me and admits she's pulled back since I was ill. I asked her about that recently and she got angry that I thought of her so badly. How else could I think of her though, if she admits she's pulled back and admits the reason? I tried to talk to her about it but she just said that I'm determined to think the worst of her so she wouldn't bother explaining. So in other words, turning it all around back onto me. I haven't done anything at all other than wanting the love back, wanting the physical side of it back, and wanting to spend time with her. I STILL put her before myself. She barely even speaks to me on the phone since I was sick. I must be painting a terrible picture of her, and I don't mean to put her down. I'm only stating facts though. I try to stick up for her and understand all her reasons, but it's hard work, especially when deep down I know it's over and know it's because I have cancer. If there's more to it, she isn't telling me what. I just can't bare to think of never seeing her again and not having all the fun times we used to have again.

Please don't anyone reading this tell me I should leave her and that I'd be better off without her. I know that's the thing people usually say, but it's not that simple. I live in hope that things might improve while I'm still healthy enough to appreciate her. I can't face completely losing her, I'd completely give up on life as I'd have no hope at all of being happy again. I have a true connection with her when things are going well, we share the same quirky humour and have loads of fun times. All past tense now of course.

I was looking forward to seeing a particular nurse I used to see about another medical issue, as she's very nice to me and we get on well, and she's told me that when she sees me it puts her in a good mood the rest of that day. So at least she's someone nearer my age who's nice to talk to and who seems to like seeing me. That appointment should have been this week, but was cancelled a couple of months ago and I don't know why. I don't want to email her to ask because she ignored my last long email, so I feel like it would be pushy to chase after her. I do that enough in my life, chasing after people who clearly don't want to know me, making an idiot of out myself.

Sorry for all this, I'll probably regret writing it.

What about Adult Education Geoff? Is there something local you could do? 

H 

Classes are a good way to make friends.I want to start some when I move.X

Thanks for the suggestion Helen. I don't really feel like there's a point. Do you mean as a way to meet people? I don't know how long I have left and how I could use anything I learn. Nobody would talk to me anyway if I did something like that.

Hi!

That's how mine is now also. Had my partner take mine all the way down just yesterday. 

Thank you so so much

Honestly I don't know what to think or do I just feel sad and actually angry today

Hi again Mr Grumpy.  Any improvement on your blue period yet?

I know you've got insight on your life expectancy, but not one of us knows how long we've got left. Unless we've noticed the guy in a hooded cloak and clutching a scythe lurking about, or got wind the mortuary slab's being prepared, how could we know?  And if we did, would dwelling on it improve our lot?  I doubt it and I'm not being smug, not having a grim prognosis...yet.  But it'll come one day and I know it.  In the meantime I'll get on with things; not great right now but I refuse to let cancer take any more than it already has. A big V sign to it I say.

That's my pulpit session done.  So Geoff, have you ever proposed to your girlfriend?  Just wondering and tell me to button it if you'd rather not say.

Still sending hugs but no vibes this time xxx

Hi again.

Of course that's how you'll feel, especially the angry emotions.  Is the rest of your family coping?  Do you have a team to speak with as I'm sure they'll help you get through the next several hours until you know more.  I hope so, and there's the Macmillan helpline too, should you need extra support.  I'm wishing you the best possible outcome for tomorrow and praying for your little granddaughter.  Hugs and courage my lovely xxx