Awake and up all night

Sorry Gill, I'm no different. I emailed my OH a long email to say all that was on my mind. She sent me a good reply, she answered most of it and was honest and open. That was helpful. I shouldn't say details here for her sake - Shame the PM's are still not working!

The overall conclusion though is that for various reasons, it's unlikely I'll see her anytime soon and if/when I do, things won't be the same. I've suggested things she could do to make things better but I've gone through it all before, so I don't have much hope.

As for my prognosis - Well I've read enough to know that I may not have that long. My brain surgeon once gave me a year (about 7 months ago) but he did backtrack after I expressed shock, so I don't know why he said a year other than from experience of other patients. I've also seen many people with the same cancer on these forums who no longer have accounts here, and the reason is obvious. I agree with what you wrote about that subject but I'm finding it very hard not to dwell on the negative. There's lots of things I keep thinking I want to do, or things I want to buy, but I immediately think to myself, "What's the point?" because I won't be here long. I still bought that new camera and other bits of my Youtube videos, but I was feeling a little better then. Maybe I shall feel better again soon. The feelings do tend to yo-yo.

No I never proposed to her. We haven't really been in the best place to take it to that level, as it's a long distance thing. Plus....well I won't say here, but marriage wouldn't be possible. Even to consider it, things would have to be enormously different to how they are now.

Thanks for the hugs. Vibes? Grrrr.   x

Thank you I honestly have no words atm xxxx thank you so so much I appreciate your reply x

Hi big fella.  No more vibes as I know your feelings on those!  I also know about your tumours as you spoke to camera about them.  You were very upfront so what's changed things since then?  The Bank Holiday maybe, thinking everyone's gadding about and having the time of their lives?  I'm not as I detest BHs; always have. The sodding bakery was closed this morning and I couldn't get my favourite teacakes for a start.  Small fry compared to the worries some have, but these little things pile up until everything becomes a big deal. Enough of my whining!

I'm glad you bought the extra gear for your videos, cos if you hadn't you'd probably wish you had.  That's how contrary life is, but we deal with it, mostly.  I was thinking, have you thought about joining the LWIC forum?  Eddie's on there and he said they're the most amazing bunch of people to know as they've got real insight into all of it.

I'll say no more on the marriage aspect and don't dream of giving details of the email either.  That's for you two only.

Anyway, the Bank Holiday's coming to a close, thank god, so I'll get access to the flipping teacakes from tomorrow again!

Chin up Beefy and sending vi...hugs xxx

We are all numb and find it so shocking.. particularly as we all went through this with me ... just can't cope with this it feels too hard  

Oh my poor love.  It's cruel what's happened to your family, and I can only wish that tomorrow you'll get news that your granddaughter will be getting a plan to cure the cancer.  How is she bearing up and does she know what to expect tomorrow?  I'm sure the staff will be very experienced with children in her position and will put her at ease.  How are you doing yourself, aside from the awful worry about your little cherub?  It's a harrowing time but hopefully with a much better outlook for your family.

Hugs and strength to you all xxx

Yes my granddaughter is  aware but  and very scared also but after being through 4 painful ortopsys myself I am very frightened for her  please keep in touch thank you for your support 

Hi there. Well I can make an educated guess that worry is keeping you awake, but that's hardly surprising under the circumstances. Aw your poor little angel - anyone would be scared but especially one so young.  This is the time for you to be strong for her and try not to let her see your very understandable worries and concerns.  What time of day is the appointment?  I really hope it's an early one as that will give you less time to think about it.  Hey, no worries and of course I'll keep in touch.  I'm absolutely certain that all of us here only want the best outcome for you all, and will be rooting for you.  Try to keep yourself as calm as possible, and maybe try for some sleep. I know that will be difficult but a clear head for tomorrow, actually today now, would be advantageous to take on board what you're told by the doctors.  If you need any more support, I'll try my best to help.  Sending you lots of strength and hugs xxx

Morning my lovely.

Debs and me just checking in to see how you're doing, and hopefully it's all good in Portugal for you guys xx

The latest from Nige is his feeding tube is doing its stuff and he's now getting nutrients in.  He's also managing to eat a little too; that tube should have been in place for ages but hey ho - it's in now.

A big thank you - I found the cola Jaffas and they're a taste sensation!  I took a pack to my eldest on Saturday and she loves them,; then I introduced them to H and they got the thumbs up, and I was surprised how the cola flavour gave an instant hit.  Delicious.  What's your rating?

Another late flipping appointment at the physio for us - 3.30 this aft.  That means all day not being able to relax, but we'll be ready for the football tonight.

Right hon, time for another cuppa here, but sending you both, and the menagerie of course, our love  xxx

Morning Gill. Thanks for being so kind to me. I didn't reply yesterday as I went to bed and wasn't feeling much like writing for a bit. I'm awake early today, can't sleep well, so may as well get up.

You mentioned my tumours that I spoke about in one of my videos. I don't remember if I mentioned them all or not. 1 in my head that was removed, 1 in my kidney (the whole kidney removed), 1 in my neck/upper back that's shrunk due to radiotherapy, and 7 more in my brain (tiny ones), 5 I know are gone due to radiotherapy and the other 2 will probably go, I'll have to wait for my next scan in October to know.

The only thing that's changed is that more time has passed without me seeing my girlfriend or meeting anyone new. Even last Thursday's meeting wasn't what I hoped. I'm still better than I was though, physically and emotionally. So that says something about the state I was in for a few months. I was usually in bed, crying lots, couldn't face anything, and just couldn't cope. It was pretty bad. So compared to that I'm on top of the world now.

You and your abbreviations! Hehe. What's the LWIC forum? I've written on lots of these forums here, mostly only getting the odd reply and nobody sticks around when I give updates.

Take care. x

Morning Geoff.

Errrm I haven't noticed members here leaving in droves since you joined, but you have gleaned lots of replies so let's put that one to bed.

Don't fret about replying to me and you did the right thing going to kip.  Let's face it, you weren't exactly dancing the Lambada and living la Vida loco yesterday (do you like my homage to seasonal pop ditties?).  I think you're doing far better with all those health issues than you realise, and a huge well done to you as you've really been through it.  Applause!

Anyway, I decided to look at some of your earlier work last night (love all those sea views) and now we have broadband I could watch it on the big screen.  Don't panic... it's still intact and I'm preempting your usual self-deprecation.  Hey, I realised you only live about twenty miles away from Nige, mentioned in my post to Sian.  It's a small world my friend, and that's how you can connect with others, even when you're not really looking to do that.

Now I'm hoping you'll have a better day; put yesterday behind you and embrace what today has in store - look for the good stuff and you'll find it, even if it's just fussing over a dog.  Now that always works a treat for me!

Hugs chum, no v...s xxx