Feeling Very Lost....and angry!

Hello everyone.

On Monday, I was told I have breast cancer. I've had 7 days now knowing I have cancer. Its a mental and surreal feeling. I did a lot of crying on Monday. But from Tuesday to now I've been weirdly ok.  I went back to work on Wednesday. Been doing the Tesco food shop. Just acting like Monday never happened. I think I did a lot of my getting upset during the 10 days between biopsy and results. Anyway, today I'm feeling angry. Really f**king angry. I think thats because I feel lost. I have no idea what's going on. On Monday I was just told breast cancer, and I'd need a CT and PET scan to see if its spread then when they have the scan results they can give me a treatment plan. Also, they said my HER2 results should be back by then too. Tuesday my breast care nurse called to check in with me. I asked her what type of breast cancer it was. She didn't know but said she would look at my path report and call me on Thursday. She called Thursday, said she hadn't managed to access my records so didn't know what type of breast cancer. She also didn't know when my scans would be, all she could say was they've been requested. 

I know things don't happen instantly but I just feel like I've been given this bombshell diagnosis and sent home to carry on as normal. No idea when I'm seeing a doctor again, when my scans are, what type of cancer I have, what treatment will be, when it will start etc etc. I know I probably sound like an impatient moaning minnie, but I'm just really annoyed and pissed off today. I've been fine, calm and collected up until now. 

Sorry to moan but I need a sounding post, and it seems that today this is it.

Laura xx

  • Hi Laura.. the waiting is the worst. Hopefully you will have another apt soon and a plan in place for you. Wishing you lots of luck x

  • Hi Laura X I know exactly how you feel ! I'm playing the waiting game too and it's torment knowing you need scans and results appointments then waiting for oncology appointments !! The agony seems to go on and on ! I'm trying to put it out of my mind but you can't !!! Just have days where I'm a mess and my mind goes into overdrive ! Trying to act normal is impossible once you are told you have cancer . I feel like I'm trending through treacle at times . I'm new to the community and I'm sure we will both get good advice and support along our journey ! 

  • Hi Laura reading this is my story too. It’s been so long now I’m scared I feel too normal then will go through the shock all over again. I do though finally have a date for my MRI I hope you do too x

  • Hi Sewit. Treading through treacle is the perfect analogy. I've tried to carry on as normal, until treatment starts. But like you said, once you're given that diagnosis nothing is normal. 

    It's been 10 days since you posted this, have you any more news on your diagnosis or treatments?  Have you seen your doctors and oncologist? I hope you have more information about whats happening and when.

    I had my PET scan last week and my CT scan is on Saturday. So my case should be discussed again at their big joint meeting which happens on a Thursday. I'm hoping I'll be called I to see my consultant Monday 23rd as by then he'll have all the extra tests ans results he wanted in order to make an exact treatment plan. Fingers crossed.

    Keep in touch and hope that treacle starts loosening up xxxxx

  • Hi Fru xx

    I totally understand that. I went back to work 2 days after diagnosis and have been acting like normal ever since. My PET scan luckily fell on a day off, as does my CT scan this Saturday. So I've been feeling weirdly calm for the last 2 weeks. I've had my moments but they've been few and far between. Which makes me worry that I'll be a mess again when I next see my consultant.

    When is your MRI? Is that the final test your waiting on before treatment can start? I hope you're keeping well. Keep in touch, I've found talking to ladies on here in a similar situation has been so comforting xxxx

  • Hi I agree it is really comforting speaking to others who are in this group. I’m due my MRI tomorrow then clinic on Wednesday where they will tell me if they want to do more tests ( which in my gut I’m kind of expecting). I have also been relatively calm most of the time but I am terrified that it’s going to be worse than initially thought which I think will make me spiral. I find running (not too fast) through woods etc is helping because I have to concentrate so much to not fall over it gives me brain space. I worry about my 9 year old daughter though she asks me daily how my cancer is and has a sore eye and asked if it was cancer last night. So hard to manage my own and everyone else’s feelings. I think it’ll be better when I have a plan. Keep your head up if you feel calm at the moment try to think it’s a good day that is doing your body and head good. One day at a time x

  • I hope your MRI goes well today and the wait until Wednesday doesn't drag for you. I know all these tests take time and essential for them to get as much information, but they do takes us toll on the nerves doesn't it.

    After saying how calm I'd been feeling, I nearly lost it at work yesterday. I work in hospitality so spend 8hrs a day being all smiley and helpful and making peoples every request happen. Even ridiculously needy requests. Yesterday I had someone making a huge fuss over the most insignificant issue (apparently 2 mugs in a holiday cottage for 2 people is ridiculous as it means they have to wash them up if they want another coffee, and demanded I have them more mugs). I nearly threw them at her whilst screaming "I wish that's all i had to bloody worry about". But I didn't, I did my job. However, I screamed so loud in the car on the drive home and had a good cry. I think I needed something to help me get some pent up emotion out. Maybe I need to get out in woods and concentrate on not falling over. That sounds perfect.

    Have you seen the book, Mummy's Lump? We've spoken to our children about my cancer but I've looked through this book and it's lovely. I agree with what you said, it's exhausting managing everyone else's feelings along with your own. We've only told close family and a few close friends so far and already I'm drained with answering all their messages. I know that sounds awful on my part, as they're concerned and want to check in and see how I'm doing. But I just want to curl up, go to bed and pretend life is as it was prediagnosis.

    Sorry, this post was like a therapy session. Didn't mean to offload all this. 

    L xxx

  • Hi L, offload all you like. It’s healthy and really hard to do with people you are close to. I think I’ll get that book and leave it about the house my daughter says she doesn’t want books but I think it’sa good idea. I am a leaning support teacher in a primary school, and I think some of the things get silly about may push me over the edge but then that’s no bad thing. I am going to tell all my colleagues through the work what’s app group because I am normally known as the positive, calm and pretty efficient Teacher (think that may go out the window a bit). But I was also advised it’sa good way to keep people updated quickly and to avoid answering the same questions again and again. I’m going to set one up for my friendship group too. Family is different I think. I have a friend babysitting today while I get my MRI and am hoping she doesn’t want to stay and chat about it all afterwards because I think I’ll need to run (try not to fall over) and switch off. It’s so hard supporting everyone else with something that is happening to you isn’t it! If you need to rant or offload feel free anytime. Take care of you. Fru xxx

  • Thanks Fru, and likewise - always here if you need a rant or to offload a bucket of feels. 

    The Whatsapp idea is great. I've only told close family a very small handful of very close friends. But already I'm feeling a little overwhelmed with the messages I get everyday. Saying the same thing or feeling like I need to say everything is ok (because saying i'm feeling shit that I have cancer and its not fair and I want to kick something will make them feel awkward and that isn't what I want). I'm dreading the day it's proper public knowledge as just the odd message now is too much at times. But I guess it means people care and we don't have to reply to every message or call we receive. 

    How was the MRI? Did you manage to get out for a run in the woods? 

    Hope you get some answers on Wednesday.

    Take care, L xxx

  • Hi L, I’m not gonna lie I found the MRI awful. I don’t cope well in small spaces and I don’t cope well with things too close to my face. So my heart rate went through the roof the minute I was in. Its very noisy. I tried to think of mundane things like shopping lists and to visualise my run to help. Anyway that’s one thing ticked off Heavy check mark. I told everyone at work (a whole school full of adults) today in our what’s app group. It’s was like ripping a plaster off quick. I’m glad I did it though otherwise all the ‘gave you had a good holiday?’ Questions would have been very difficult and I would have ended up telling everyone individually which would have been so exhausting. One or two members of staff have opened up about their own cancer experiences and one has had a double mastectomy. It’s actually opened up a whole level of support to me and I feel better with it out. Where are you in your testing, planning treatment process? Hoping you are coping Heart Fru xxx