Feeling Very Lost....and angry!

Hi Fru. I'm so glad your MRI is over and done with now and you got through it - even though it sounds like it was tough going. And well done for telling all your colleagues, thats a big step to take. I love the fact you have other support avenues now after some opened up about their own experiences. Only 3 people know so far at my place of work, one of them went through breast cancer 20 years ago and so gets it - all the worry and emotions and fears. Like you said, its whole new level of support. How do you feel now more people know? Has it made it more real or able to be open about it?

I'm yet to make it common knowledge, mainly because even I don't know what's going on yet so wont know how to answer peoples questions. I went to my GP on 1st July as felt a lump in my armpit. She referred me to the breast clinic and I was there 2 weeks later having a mammogram. I also had a grope from the consultant and an ultrasound. There they also found a lump in my breast and took a collection of biopsies from both areas. On 26th July they called me in to confirm it was breast cancer. The oncologist wanted me to have a PET and CT scan to see if the cancer has spread anywhere else (apparently thats just precautionary due to the fact its already spread from breast to lymph nodes) before they make a final decision on my treatment. My breast care nurse said its the most common form of breast cancer - in the ducts. Normally I'd find being called common a slight insult, but when it comes to cancer I'm happy with that, haha. I'm HER2 Negative too. All this is still all very confusing to me. It's like a whole new language. Anyway, my PET scan was last week and my CT scan was this morning. My results are being looked at on Thursday when all the doctors get together and I should be called in to see my consultant on Monday 23rd. 

Until I know what and when my treatment is, I'm happy to just keep it between the few that know. Going to work is helping me feel like life is still the same. I'm worried that if they knew, they'd act differently around me or want to ask lots of questions, then going to work wouldn't give me that normality it currently does. Does that make sense? I do  find myself thinking how to make it public knowledge. It's like planning a pregnancy or engagement announcement, just without the congratulations.

I hope you have some calming days between now and Wednesday my lovely. Keep dodging those tree roots and branches  L xx  

Hi L, I don’t know everything yet just mine is also quote ‘bog standard breast cancer’. I think mine is hormone responsive which means meds for the rest of my life but that’s ok. It was the same for my mum. I think they are going to do genetic testing too though because of the similarity. In my job people expect me to be Wonder Woman and Mrs Positive, this was a factor in my decision. Also I’ve lead so much training about mental health and being open and honest and not feeling ashamed to tell all, I kind of felt I had to. But I absolutely get what you’re saying about wanting people to be normal with you. School is so frantically busy they’ll soon forget and we’ll be asking for help with a pupil who is struggling in no time. I just wanted to get it done and it’s a weight off my mind now I’ve done it. My mum on the other hand told no one other than family. You’ve got to do what feels best for you. I climbed up a very big hill today and it blew away some very bad feelings. Had to dodge done large cows on the way up this time. Let me know how your results go we can negotiate this foreign language together my new breast friend Fru x

Breast friend - I love that! 

Part of me can't wait for everyone to know so I can stop acting like everything is good. Like yourself, I'm known for being the constantly happy person who everyone can rely on. 

High five for dodging the cows - beautiful animals but not sure if I'd fancy being in a field of them, haha. I live near the coast so going for a dip in the sea is my was to wash away the angst and make me happy. 

Yes, we'll compare results and try and translate and navigate this together!

L xx

Keep swimming in the sea, so good for your health and your mental health.  Do anything that makes you feel good x

Welcome. Click my name to read my story. The waiting game is not a game we want to play. Covid amongst other things has a lot to answer for as its placing delay on things but its better decisions are not rushed as we want to get the  best treatment. I usually read the main bc site but I have to say that the online community has been very supportive and I'm stunned at just how many people are posting with a fresh diagnosis. I too was stunned at my diagnosis and my main reaction was crying a lot. I still have wobble days but am just eager to get on with things and have found myself quite impatient at waiting.

One nurse told me that information is power and it helps us to be in control so I'm trying to absorb information to help me. I've found great comfort and read some lovely hints and tips in some threads. Feel free to moan we are all experiencing this journey and will help when and where we can.

Keep going ...one day at a time x

Hi Fru, thinking of you today as you go for your MRI results. xxx

Hi Tired Minion. That is so true - information does make you feel a bit more powerful and in the know. I just now only look for information here as good old google searches were revealing some crazy stuff. I clicked on your name and read your story. How are you feeling about your upcoming radiotherapy? Hope you are feeling strong and ready for it xxx 

Having a bit of an off day - 4 hours sleep and feeling very nauseous (its the tamoxifen). I get the odd day of just feeling rough. Bit weepy and fed up too but an afternoon nap hopefully and some plain eating will help. Feel OK about radiotherapy. just gonna nuke my boob! just have to wait and see side effects but am armed with E45 and aloe vera gel. just want to start but have to have another covid test on Fri and don't start until next Fri so waiting game again! just plodding on. x

Sorry to hear you're not feeling 100%. Look after yourself my lovely, a nice snooze will hopefully help a bit. Maybe choose a upbeat movie to watch and disappear into? The waiting is the worst isn't it xxxxx

So difficult when feeling unwell. Sorry to hear you’re rough. I started tamoxifen over 2 weeks ago and have awful nausea every day. Now trying 8mg sublingual ondansatron after trying other meds. It’s awful.