My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

FormerMember over 16 years ago

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My husband - Chris - died on the 2nd May 2009 because he had anal cancer. He knew he was going and we spoke about lots and lots of things before he died. That is why I am just not prepared for the huge amount of guilt I feel now. I feel guilty that the world hasn't stopped turning round even though he has died. I feel like everything should stop as a mark of respect. I also feel very guilty that he had to be so ill he had to die. What a cruel cruel thing it is to make someone so ill their body just stops working. I wasn't ready for him to go. I really really hope these are normal feelings because I must hang on to my sanity for the sake of my 3 children. I have never known sadness like I feel right now. I can't believe that I will not hear his voice or feel his touch again. We were married for almost 32 years and I have known Chris for 34 years - since I was 16. What happens now? Ailsa

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Hi Coralh

So sorry you've had to join us but you've come to the right place for support . My husband died the 1st july so my pain is still intence but i am trying to get on as best as i can , although its not easy agt all . Glad you've been out Trisha , my mind wanders anyway so in a croud its even worse I'm like you Helen i so want to be "normal "what ever that is , cant ever remember being normal really but we can try .. Ailsa i always cry when i'm driving , its not easy when your driving most of the day , i try and hold it together when i've got patients on but when i'm on my own that is when it happens , puffy eyes are my trade mark now . I've been to see my friend tonight who has breast cancer she was so low poor thing , we both tried to cheer the other 1 up but ended up in tears but think it did is both good .. Hope everyone has had a good day

Lynne xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Hi Everyone,
Just been catching up in all the post, sorry Coralh to hear about your loss but keep posting as it has helped me a lot to realise i am not in this alone. Gayle hope you and the boys have a good holiday. Kev have a nice time in Cornwall and i hope Brad enjoying his holiday. Ailsa hope you enjoyed your night out. Lynne hope you found some answers when you were seeing the doctor, i never went back near the doctor as i was disappointed at the time it took them to send Derek for a xray although i suppose it was too late for them to do anything. I don't know what i would have done without my friends they still visit me every week. I also cry in the car coming back from my dad's i just hate coming in to an empty house but what can we do. I am going shopping with Kim tomorrow as her last day before school starts again she was in today getting all ready for the kids coming back. Well better go and get my coffee before bed. Speak soon.
Take Care
Fiona xxxxxxxxxxx

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Hi Fiona , sory i missed you last night , i didn't get all the answers i wanted but as i've thought about things and what he said i've begun to feel a little better , they still cant tell me why certain things happened but if they dont know , how would i know , so i've just got to accept he'd had enough . He was dreading getting really sick and lingering on well that didn't happen , when i look back he only really had a week of ill health , it seemed like a lot longer whilst i was sat at his hospital bed for 6 days and nights but i would do it all again to have him back as long as he wasn't in pain ..
I'm still getting used to the empty house , sometimes i'm ok but usually i hate it , i'm hoping this weekend is busy again , i know my 2 sons and son in law are coming sat as the girls are away on a hen party so it will be up to me to feed them all (plus the 3 grand kiddies ) .
i've not had to bad a week at work , well i've managed to stop full days anyway ,but had a bad experience at the hair dressers . I haven't been able to go since i lost my husband , the H/D is nice enough but a bit nosy and intrusive , well i'd always answered all her questions before he died as i thought she was being concerned , but i couldn't face her after , i didn't want to go to a new one and hae her asking about "have you been on holliday yet " and then having to explain why i hadn't so i didn't go and my hair was a MESS , anyway in the end my sister went into the H/D's and told the girl in question what had happened and that i was very wary about coming in as i couldn't answer any questions , she said "oh no tell her to come in i wouldn't dream of saying anything to upset her " so i made an appointment and went in , well the 3 questions that stick in my mind that she asked are " is it horrible going home , are you lonely " i managed to mumble some reply or other , she then asked "is grief what you thought it was " WHAT the hell kind of question is that ? i just looked at her through the mirrow , and then she came out with "i bet your glad to have your life back " i shouted i'd rather have him back . With that she'd finished cutting my hair but i got and left with it wet , i just told her i needed to go , i paid and left . My sister has gone mad and is going to complain to the owner , and i wont be going back , so i will have to find someone new and it will be a few weeks away so hopefully i'll be able to answer the questions that the H/D.s ask . I would gladly sit there in silence at the moment but how can you say shut up i dont want to talk ..Anyway cant i ramble on ..
Have a good day everybody

Lynne xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Oh Lynne

How insensitive is she? Can`t believe the questions and remarks!!!!!!!!! Especially after your sister had been in!! Are you glad to have your life back? How pathetic is that?? She has obviously never experienced any kind of loss so I suppose we have to put it down to absolute ignorance!!!

I phoned my hairdresser when Paul died before I went in. She had lost her mum the year before and we talk about Paul and her mum but we both know when it`s time to change the subject xxx

I wonder if I`ll have more problems with an empty house in years to come when my 2 leave home?? Obviously they are in and out and I have nights alone but they`re always coming in and still need `looking after`. I had a few tears last night watching `Kitchen nightmares` Paul and I always watched it together, he really enjoyed it and it just set me off last night. Apart from that I`ve had a pretty good week. Cried when I got back from hols to an empty bed, crazy when I`d been ok on holiday!! But I`ve been much more settled and found it easier to be off work. Just as well, still got just under 3 weeks off lol!!

Have a good day everybody, I`m taking my doggie for his check up at the vets. He`s got cancer too so he`s on medication and we`re just monitoring him. He got diagnosed just after Paul was told he was terminal, Paul always said the dog would out live him!! (sorry folks, Paul had a strange sense of humour!!)

Helen xxx

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Hi everyone. Well here's another weekend. I can't believe your hairdresser Lynne. You should complain to the boss and then never go back. There are better places to go and you won't have to put up with that. I was apprehensive about going to the hairdresser after Chris died. They knew he was ill and what was wrong and they knew it was serious. I also knew from an ex-neighbour that we were the topic of conversation in the salon because that is where she first heard that Chris was ill. I decided I didn't mind them discussing us as at least it should help cut down on unfortunate questions. Very tactfully no one has said anything about what has happened when I have been. I have been 3 times since Chris's funeral (high maintenance or what lol!) and Chris has not been mentioned once. I was always asked how he was doing before. I don't mind that nothing has been said as they are all young girls and I know that they have no idea what to say and have decided to say nothing. If the alternative is the comments you have had to endure Lynne I would rather nothing at all was said. The girl doing my hair has just chatted about mundain things so no embarrassing moments. Nice 'do' as well.
I am not sure whether yuo will feel differently when your house eventually empties Helen. That should be a long time off yet anyway. I found it difficult to adjust to the children moving out when Chris was alive. I often felt at a loose end and under-utilised! I learned to do more of my own thing and enjoy my own company. I could only ever stand it for a while though. I used to find Friday difficult because Chris would be going to work as I was coming home so I was on my own for longer that day. As it got close to when he should be home I often sent him texts to see how long he would be coz I was lonely. It feels different now. I think it is because I know he isn't going to walk through the door so I keep busy for as long as I can. I plan through the day what I am going to do at home each evening to make sure I don't get time to sit and dwell for long.
I hope your little dog is okay Helen. I appreciate Paul's sense of humour regarding the dog lasting longer than him. Chris was just as flippant!
How are you doing Fiona - and anyone else? Has anyone got anything nice planned for the weekend? Stu & Suzanne are coming round tonight and we are going to have a takeaway. I am going to have another crack at guitar hero! Ailsa xx

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Hi Helen and Ailsa ,(and everybody else )
yes i do think she was a very imature person who obviously never suffered loss of any kind , what goes round comes a round . My sister is going back in to see the boss and i know she wont hold back , she really is very protective of me at the moment , and no i never will go back , and i also had nails done and things but no more now , like you so there is plenty more out there ..
I like Pauls sense of humour too Helen , a few weeks before he died my son borrowed Gordons drill but broke it , he phoned him up and said 2 sorry Gordon i've broke your drill , i'll get you another one " Gordon said "dont worry i'd left it to you in my will " .. Men dont we love them ..
I hate the empty house but the kids are here a lot , there coming down later for a take a way .. And then i think the lads will be here all weekend cos the girls on hen party , so i'll be feeding everybody ..
On a down note i've heard from the pension people today to see Gordons ex wife is claiming one of his pensions which she was a named benificary , aghhhhh , thats because he didn;t do a will , but we thought divorce would do away with all that . I've had to write a letter saying why i should get it and not her . My daughter has done a brilliant one but its up to the legal dept now , has she no shame ? she had everything when they splil , even his daughters are going mad and want me to have it , its not a lot but thats not the point . He would be mortified that we overlooked this , i just hope legal dept on my side . I should know in the next 2 weeks AGHHHHHH again..

Thanks for listening to my rant .. Lynne xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ps hope the little doggie ok Helen i love the pics on face book xx

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Evening everyone

Enjoy your takeaways Ailsa and Lynne. Daaughter us cooking for us, son has gone to work. She`s making tomato and mozarella salad and mushroom rissotto!!

Gordon sounds just like Paul hee hee!! Good job we can still talk about them and remember their jokes xxx

Surely Gordon`s ex won`t get his pension, like you say can`t believe she would even want it!!!

Jack is ok (my dog lol), his blood tests are all ok. His cancer is in his bladder and his back legs seem wobbly at times but the vet said that could be pressure on a nerve but he said he is obviously having a great quality of life apart from that so to carry on doing what we`re doing xxxx
No plans for the weekend up to now,haven`t felt wonderful today, bit light headed and sicky feeling so had a lazy day on the couch. Daughter wants to go to ikea at some point and I said I might meet up with friends in our local tomorrow if they`re going in.I was going to go to the gym today but didn`t think dizzy and treadmills would be a good mix!!!

Have a nice night everyone

Helen xxx

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Hello everyone, sorry just a short message tonight, sorry to hear about all the hair dressers and the pension Lynne (bloody cheek) and welcome Coralh sorry you find yourself here. I'm of about 7am ish tomorrow and I'll catch up with you all on Thursday and try and have a niceish weekend.

Kev xx

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Hi everyone,
Insensitive hairdresser eh Lynne, I would love to know what she was thinking. How dare the ex-wife put in a claim on the pension what a cheek.
Have a lovely trip Kevin.
I hope everyone has as good a weekend as they can. Love Patricia x x

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Morning all , Kev have a good trip , see you thus ,

Hi Helen Trisha , Ailsa , apparantly because the b***h(sorry) was a named bennificary she can claim and probably will get it , its not his main pension which will comws traight to me as his spouse (i hate that word) it was a little one , not worth a lot (£1. 400) He started again with most things after he'd left her , but that was one of the things that we'd overlooked as it wasn't worth a great deal , but as we had started again nothing is that much . But what ever happens if she gets the money she can bloody well have it i wont fall out with his girls over it , they mean more to me than money , but i know he'd be mortified at the thought of her getting it thats why i've contested it , and if i win it will give me greater satisfaction . I've never had a problem with her before , they'd split up 9 months before i met him , but now she must know that this is causing me stress , so now i hate her , but i have to be carefull what i say in front of the girls even though they know what she is like . They went to a BBQ just after there dad had died at there mothers (with all her side of the family ) , and they went outside and text me and said "we dont like this family we want to come back to our other one ) how nice was that .
Busy day today again , we're supposed to be coming later but i've got a feeling it will be sooner rather than later ,which is fine by me ..
Is Kaz abd Sue back today ?

Speak later , have a good day everybody ..

Lynne xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?