Pain

I found that too I recently watched wedding  disc we had compiled and sobbed like I never have before. It really did affect me and I didn’t finish it. I just couldn’t. Seeing him look so alive well and handsome and me happy something we won’t ever have again together.  I totally understand that you have bad feelings as I’ve had feelings if I don’t really care if anything happens to me, it would be easier to have gone together all very negative thoughts but I think it’s only natural thoughts. We loved them we want to be with them.  
However you have children that you need too and as they all say it will get better or easier to deal or cope with. It’s just difficult to believe at the moment. Your loved one will want you to keep going and be strong that’s what I get told and that he wouldn’t want to see you like this.  Have you had grief counselling or support or anything like that ?

I woke up at 1am this morning Sunday and got a cuppa green tea and a biscuit strangely enough which my husband would do in the silly hours of the morning when he was ill and not sleeping and restless. It’s now 3 am and I’m still awake so came on here …..
Just troubled by everything, have been awake talking aloud thinking about the fact everything changed when he died and how everything you do on a daily basis is affected.Daily routine gone, daily decisions, shopping ,food planning cooking and healthy eating (even though I can cook I just can’t be bothered sometimes to make that effort.). Just getting up every morning every little thing is so hard and different. I have work tomorrow again I should have been exhausted from today but here I am wide awake. It has been a difficult week with added stresses.

Now even a silly thing I’ve been also thinking about the car I have an older one with decent mileage for the last two years we had discussed upgrading these were mostly my husbands decisions it had an advisory on it but my husband said it’s ok nothing wrong with it but he hadn’t driven since last October now im thinking it’s worsening and need it checked and it’s now down to me to sort this if my husband was here he would reassure me its ok don’t worry about it!! My gut instinct says get it checked so I will have to. 

Anyway going to try to settle down again ! 

I am so sorry you are going through this horror. I cannot watch anything potentially where there is a clip of my husband. It would finish me off, and I am not sure I would be able to come back from it. I can just about manage photos. The pain and grief are too much. I also want to be with my husband, but I can’t leave our adult children to fend for themselves. It is a cruel world, and they still need me. I am 60, and I also feel that my life is over. I am in ‘Limbo”. I am still trying to find a way through. It is just based on sheer survival. Sending hugs, Kate. Xxx

• I'm sure people get fed up with me saying I can't explain how bad the pain is. Your heart literally breaks, my chest feels tight. Someone said to me yesterday you have come so far, I said not my heart it's stuck on day 1. A chap I know who lost his wife about year and half ago said he's now feeling like he wants to have someone again who gives him same feelings his wife did. I've never felt so much love for anyone apart from him so thought of anyone else makes me feel sick. Hugs to you x

He spent 3 weeks in hospital before he came home for his last week and I said to him take me with you, he said don't be silly you've got the kids. I feel they have their lives ahead of them but mines over. All day my heart hurts and I just see him in my head . When people say I can't imagine I say I can't explain how bad it is..then they just carry on with their lives as normal.  Hugs to you x

I feel exactly the same my life stopped on the 10th of July 2023 and has not started again, and nor will it. As you say everyone carries on with their lives including our children, which of course they should, but there is nothing left for me here, I just wish with all my heart my husband would come for me so i can be put out of this purgatory. Take carex

Can relate to your post so much Toosoon. Yes all the everyday routine you both had will be gone and still 2 years in getting up in the morning for me is still a thought. I too have to think about running the car now. Ours is 7 years old now and though not that `old` but old probably in auto terms I have to think of the cost of it. I have managed to get it through two MOT's since Jay passed on my own and like your hubby this was always `his department`. It's due it's service and MOT at the beginning of September so here's hoping everything goes OK and it won't need a lot done and the cost will be reasonable. I's hate to let it go it's one of the last bits of `Jay` I have plus I'm starting to get into the way of driving after being away from it for so long. I hope you finally managed to get some rest. Take Care. 

Vicky x

Very True Dispsy. 

I was at my son's house today and it felt just like visiting strangers. They have their own lives to lead now and though he and my daughter in law and little granddaughter are immediate family they just felt like strangers. They just have so much going on and I just don't feel included but would never dream of trying to impose. My little granddaughter starts school this Thursday (14th August) schools in Scotland go back earlier than England and Wales and as much I am looking forward to seeing her go in on her first day it will be bittersweet because Jay is not here and this is something he wanted to see but no doubt there will be many tears on the day from the mums and dads watching their wee ones start. I have my new granchild's arrival in November also so that will be something to look forward to as well. Yes some days I wonder what my purpose is to be here now too but then there is a saying `we are all here for a reason` just wonder what mine actually is now. Take Care. 

Vicky x

The heart pain is really intense. At one stage, I was having palpitations and my heart rate shot up. This happened several times, and I was worried it might be a heart attack. I was under a lot of stress, legal, sorting our mortgage out, lack of sleep. Now, I feel on the verge of tears a lot of the time. I sob where ever, in the garden, in the car, in bed, on the settee. How long will it be like this ? Forever ? Kate. Xxx

It's a terrible pain you can't explain to anyone.  I have a lot of dreams of my partner they wake me up and my heart is racing and chest is tight. I worry if the pain stops then I've forgotten him or moved on and I don't want to do that either. My friend said to me if in 10 years time u met someone else I don't think you will love him like you do stu. I cried my eyes out cos the thought of anyone else makes me feel sick and the amount of love I have for him  ,he is still my soul mate. X

That is how I feel. I function through each day, I may laugh with someone   but my heart is truly broken and I feel I'm just existing.  I tell people I don't want to get old and not scared of dying. They say a part of you dies when someone you love does and that is so true x