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My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

FormerMember
FormerMember
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My husband - Chris - died on the 2nd May 2009 because he had anal cancer. He knew he was going and we spoke about lots and lots of things before he died. That is why I am just not prepared for the huge amount of guilt I feel now. I feel guilty that the world hasn't stopped turning round even though he has died. I feel like everything should stop as a mark of respect. I also feel very guilty that he had to be so ill he had to die. What a cruel cruel thing it is to make someone so ill their body just stops working. I wasn't ready for him to go. I really really hope these are normal feelings because I must hang on to my sanity for the sake of my 3 children. I have never known sadness like I feel right now. I can't believe that I will not hear his voice or feel his touch again. We were married for almost 32 years and I have known Chris for 34 years - since I was 16. What happens now? Ailsa

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Hi everyone. Gayle - have a really good holiday with the kids. You will be glad you went and so will they. Have you made any progress with the house?

    Helen - that little verse is lovely. I wrote it down because I have a rotten memory right now.

    Enjoy yourself out for the meal with your friends tonight if you can Patricia. It is very hard to get motivated to do anything like that but it is worth pushing yourself. I still find it very hard coming home to an empty house afterwards but I am getting better at it. I still feel as bad when I get home but I am ready for it now. You are absolutely right not to let yourself lose good friends. You will surprise yourself how much you enjoy yourself. I miss Chris dreadfully whenever I go out but he would want me to go and I want to make him proud. Have a good evening.

    The same goes to everyone else - I am going to watch England and make some food for my son, his girlfriend and a good friend of my son's. Ryan knew Chris and he is a stone mason so he is organising the engraving of Chris's details on the headstone ready for when it can go back on the grave. I have my England shirt, dedicated to Chris, on already so looking forward to a nice evening in with good company. Take care everyone. Ailsa xx

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember
    Have a lovely night Ailsa. I`m doing my usual Wednesday night with my 2 best friends, just a night in with a few drinks. Better when there`s no work tomorrow!!

    Not sure if it will last but I have felt quite calm this week since hols, have enjoyed being off at home and pottering.We`ll see???. I have also tried to ring vicar to give another try at getting Paul`s ashes buried at the church where we married. He wasn`t there so left a message. Fingers crossed again everyone xxxxx

    Hope Enlgand win!!!!!

    Helen xxx
  • FormerMember
    FormerMember
    Hi everyone ,Gayle have a good holliday , Tricia go and enjoy yourself honey , it passes the time , Thanks for all your good wishes with the doc , he was really really nice and didn't rush me at all . He said how much he thought about Gordon and how everybody was shocked that he went so fast in the end . I asked how and why is kidneys had failed and he said he wished he could give me an answer , he said scans showed that they hadn't failed because of the cancer , said it could have been some of the drugs he was on , plus a combination of a lot of other things , said they had called in a kidney specialist but by that time it was obvious he wasn't going to recover so he never came to see him (bit annoyed at that ) he also said all through his treatment his scans and tests had been those of a very very ill man but he always saw Gordon and thought how well he looked . He said he didn't follow any path that they expected him too . Said a lot of other things , i'll remember more later probably . I asked him if i , he or anybody else could have done anything he obviously said no and he did go into a lot of datail . He asked me how i was doing and my family .I didn't feel rushed at all with him and he said i could go back at any time if i can think of any thing else , but if he cant tell me why he died then there is nothing else to ask . Cant say i feel any different at the moment , i might when its all sunk in but i'll always think i could have done more .

    Have a good evening everybody .. Kev your turn now , what did Di's doctor say . You can private message me if you want but i think you've probably wrote it down before .. Hope everybody is ok . Helen not to much to drink !! oh go on then ...

    Lynne xxxxxxxxxxx
  • FormerMember
    FormerMember
    Hi all, sorry straight to you lynne, yes I did write it before. Your Doc sounds so more forthcoming with info than Di's Onc. I asked Di"s onc what went wrong after so many positives, Di's cancer count was 3000+ at worse and 350+ in Jan 08, so it had come right down, anyway he said to me that you are rather lucky or unlucky with cancer and Di was unlucky, he didn't even look at me when he said that and that was about it, no more no less info!!!!!!!!!!! we just sat and looked at each other and then he said alright then and I left, angry or what.


    Hope everyone else is ok!!!


    Kev xx
  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Hi Kev , ues i was suprised too about how forthcoming he was , still didn't really get the answer i wanted but nothing will bring him back but just needed to know . Sorry you didn't get the answes either .

    Lynne xxx

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember
    this is my first time tonight.
    I feel so sorry for your loss and my heart goes out to you and everyone else who has been affected by this most horrible illness. My husband died on 4th July. We would have been married for 35 yrs this month. I too have known my husband all of my adult life....since i was 15. dont know what i am doing most of the time, going through the motions and putting on a brave face to most people- can't face the upset of other peoples upset. Things just cant get any worse. There is just this huge hole in my life. How lame does this sound? I am always so practical and capable but now I have just become so useless.
  • FormerMember
    FormerMember
    Good evening Coralh. I am so sorry you find yourself on this site but you are very welcome. The feelings you describe sound very familiar and even though my husband died in May I still feel just as you describe most of the time. It is not lame at all. I am normally very practical and organised and now that is almost working against me as I can't seem to slow down. Others on here are finding the opposite and can't get motivated to do anything. One thing we all have in common is the huge hole left by our loved ones. Please post again and let us know how you are doing. Do you have some support from family or friends? Ailsa xx
  • FormerMember
    FormerMember
    Hi Coralh

    It is so difficult, I am so used to picking myself up and carrying on, all through Paul`s treatment I stayed positive and kept everyone going. When he died it knocked me for 6 and the emotions are so frustrating. I want to feel `better` if that`s the right word but it is so hard. This site has been great so please keep posting, it really does help. My 2 children have also kept me going as have Paul`s mum and dad (he was an only child) although he was 42 when he died, still their baby!!!

    Helen xxx
  • FormerMember
    FormerMember
    So sorry for your sad loss Coralh. My husband passed in March and what you described was exactly how I was. I am still finding it difficult to focus on anything specific and feel really guilty and silly about that. I hope that you will keep posting because these good people will help you through the difficult times but from what I have seen will make you laugh too.

    Well everyone, I did go out with my friends and I did enjoy myself, but still find my mind wandering in the middle of a conversation and then look really stupid when I have no idea what is being discussed. Oh well, maybe I have truly lost my mind, am completely stupid or just plain ignorant.
    Hope you all have a good day tomorrow.
    Love and angel hugs to you all x x Tricia x x
  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Hi everyone. Hi Tricia. You did good going out and enjoying yourself. Don't worry about drifting off and not concentrating on what was being said. My concentration, along with my memory are shocking at the moment. I write everything down to combat the memory problem but I am just the same when sitting with friends and colleagues - I drift off and don't keep up. I often feel like I am sitting a little bit away from the rest of the group and not really in it properly. I feel 'different'. Something really awful happened to us and with the best will in the world they don't know how we are feeling. It is nice to have friends who care though. I am sure they know you have lost your mind a bit! but they won't have you down as stupid or ignorant. I think we just have to keep trying to join in as best we can for now.

    I have had a good day today but oddly everytime I get in my van I cry. I always found it easy to cry in my van even when Chris was alive but I seem to be doing more often this week. I presume it is not a bad thing so long as I concentrate on my driving at the same time. I must look a bit strange when I get to work though as I have been crying all the way there.
    Hey-ho - they are probably used to me by now. By the time I have had a coffee the puffy eyes have calmed down
    Hope you have had a good day. Ailsa xx

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