My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

FormerMember over 15 years ago

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My husband - Chris - died on the 2nd May 2009 because he had anal cancer. He knew he was going and we spoke about lots and lots of things before he died. That is why I am just not prepared for the huge amount of guilt I feel now. I feel guilty that the world hasn't stopped turning round even though he has died. I feel like everything should stop as a mark of respect. I also feel very guilty that he had to be so ill he had to die. What a cruel cruel thing it is to make someone so ill their body just stops working. I wasn't ready for him to go. I really really hope these are normal feelings because I must hang on to my sanity for the sake of my 3 children. I have never known sadness like I feel right now. I can't believe that I will not hear his voice or feel his touch again. We were married for almost 32 years and I have known Chris for 34 years - since I was 16. What happens now? Ailsa

FormerMember over 13 years ago in reply to FormerMember

'Latest post' seems to be a new addition. I am sure it was not there earlier. Perhaps the site is improving slowly.

Penguin 'huddles' to all who are having any issues and also all who just need comfort..

Hope your dad is a little better Fiona. Lynne, how are things with your dad (not heard anything for a while).

Sorry I can't comment on anyone else's posts as I have mush for brains and can't remember what I just read (duh).

I hope you are all reasonably well today. Enjoy the sunshine whilst we have it x x

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

FormerMember over 13 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Evening everyone. It feels like ages since I posted on here. I had a busy weekend as it was Stu's birthday on Saturday. I picked him up from a night out on Friday because Suzanne had work in the morning & needed to get her sleep. He stayed over at mine so I went to bed quite late then all 3 kids & partners & Declan were at mine for a takeway & birthday cake on Saturday evening. Becky & Declan stayed over so I had another late one. It was a lovely, busy weekend but I think I need an early night to catch up tonight. I had dinner with my mum & dad last night & dad is looking so much better now. They are going away for a week on Wednesday so I hope he stays well for that. I have moved on with the next thing I have to do with Chris very obviously not there to help. I test drove a replacement car on Sunday. Another first. I am going back to the dealer on Thursday & if all goes well I may have the new to me car by Monday or Tuesday next week. I have remembered Gayle's advice and gone to a big main dealer so all should be well but I will be very glad when it is done. I am feeling a bit fragile this week and really need to pull myself together. There is a reason I can't share just yet in case I am wrong but watch this space come Friday. Can feel myself welling up again now so I will get off and get ready for pilates. I hate not having Chris to confide in. Take care everyone. Ailsa xxx

FormerMember over 13 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Sorry - I am not concentrating tonight. Was going say thanks Rosemary for the tips although I think I get to the latest post a different way each time I come on. It is getting easier. Have you noticed you are on the home page as your other persona Esme!? xxx

FormerMember over 13 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Just thought I would pop back on and practice a bit on here. Going to try for paragraphs again. I notice Patricia is getting something that looks like paragraphs. Maybe I need to hit the return key twice. Rosemary I love the sense of humour - music to commit suicide to - we have another name for it in our house but means the same thing. I suppose it is a little hard for me if I can hear Chris singing when certain songs come on the radio. He was a snger for near enough 30 years though so I have heard him sing a lot of songs, making it a bit difficult to avoid. Mostly I am used to it unless one I specially liked to hear him sing comes on. He sang a lot of Queen songs so I mostly like to listen to Queen on my own. It is definately easier to listen & smile now than it was at first. One last paragraph attempt before I 'publish'. I can edit my posts very easily on this new site, which I couldn't do before so maybe the changes will be good when I get used to them. Good night all. Take care. Ailsa xxx PS still no paragraphs lol!

FormerMember over 13 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Ailsa, get yourself into the centre of the penguin huddle. You are obviously have a difficult time right now so allow us to cossett you x x

I get my paragraph spacing by hitting the return key. If that is not happening for you I don;t know what to suggest.

Bren, I hope you are feeling a little better now. If not, then stay in the middle with Ailsa. (Bossy me).

I hope everyone else is managing to get through their days without too many tears or traumas.

As for me, things are a little fraught right now. I was at dad's today and whilst I was busy he fell asleep. He looked awful and I had an overwhelming feeling of dread that I might be watching him breathe his last breath. This was unfounded though (thank goodness) and he did indeed wake after a short time. It is so difficult to watch him struggling to do everyday tasks and is a bit like dejavu as this was what happened when Ray was ill. I feel so selfish but I just don't think I can cope if and when anything happens to dad. Sorry to offload on you but I just had to tell someone.

Anyway, have the best day you can tomorrow.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

FormerMember over 13 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Sorry your Dad is so unwell Patricia. It must be very upsetting for you. You need to take a leaf out of your own book & climb into the middle of the huddle with us Patricia. Sending you lots of (((hugs))) xxx

FormerMember over 13 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Thanks for the hugs Ailsa x x

FormerMember over 13 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Finally figured out how to get onto the site and find our thread... Got a lot to catch up on but just wanted to send a big hug to you Patricia - and I couldn't agree more with what Ailsa has said. And to my lovely Rosemary, we really missed you :( but glad to hear that Geordie is OK.

Sending massive penguin hugs and much love to everyone. xxxx

FormerMember over 13 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Patricia super huge penguin hugs and listen to Aunty Ailsa, get thee int' middle of huddle lass! (Should that be "hoodle" for proper northern speak?) It's horrible to see our dads so frail and fading, again we are so lucky to have had lovely dads and kept them for so long too (mine's 95) Hope things are looking up today - and for Fiona and Lynnes dads, oh and Ailsa's too! Lots of love to you all, I'm off to body balance again tonight, just as the mucles are feeling better, I will think of you all xxxxxxxx (And no, no matter how many times I hit the return key my cursor just bounces along at the end of every sentence, ho hum!) xxxxx

FormerMember over 13 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Morning all. Can't believe I've been awake so long this morning. Shattered & im not even out of bed yet. Funny old week this week. Times like this I really need Chris by my side. Im still on with buying the car. I think I have been lying awake thinking about that this morning. But mostly I have been thinking about Becky & Hamish. Hamish asked my permission to propose to Becky yesterday. They have gone to London for the weekend & I think his plan was to ask her there but he was so nervous about asking me yesterday that I think he was so relieved after I said I was happy for him to go ahead that he asked her before they set off! Bless - I have not seen anyone that nervous in a long time. Becky said yes & the ring is beautiful. I am so very happy for them but missing Chris so much. I tried to post on here before I went to bed last night but ended up in tears & couldnt see what I was typing so I left it for now. I think it is the wedding I am concerned about as there will be such an enormous gap that we are all trying to fill. I am also fairly certain they will move to Scotland after the wedding. I only just got them back. I know I can visit & I dont mind driving. I cant hold my children back & would never attempt to but just feel very selfish for feeling very sad today even though I am so pleased for them. Can't mention it on fb yet ad Hamish's family havent been told yet. Well if no more sleep is going to come today I may as well start my day. Hope everyone is okay today. patricia I hope your Dad is improving. Lyne, Im thinking about you and your fsmily today & hope your brother is also improving today. Take care everyone. Ailsa xxx

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My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?