Pain beyond words

You have come to a place where we hear you and understand. I too have the fear that friends will tire, but I am starting to think maybe they won't. And speaking of it to them they reassured me. Would you abandon your friend if they were in your situation? I think it's fear of being left alone  after the huge loss we have suffered and I felt like I was trying to protect myself from friends leaving because I couldn't stand any more loss. I do see lots of people and with them I think it's possible to have laughter and tears right next to eachother. I am pretty honest with them.  But my goodness it's such early days, it was July for me. And I have to curl up and howl too. I guess it's like a pressure cooker valve. Sorry I can't help. But  here we know. We know from experience. And when you post, people care and respond. 

I lost my husband of 35 years, aged 53, on Monday 1st September. He too had cancer for going on 7 years, numerous surgeries, constant treatment for 6 of those years but was always doing ok until 3 months ago when he was diagnosed with brain mets. And boy do they rob a person of life in a very short space of time. I can relate completely to the rapid decline first with mobility and then every life affirming trait, on a daily basis. I was almost afraid to wake up each day to the next signs of decline. His last week was torture. The palliaive team did their thing and he was given all the drugs they tell me would have prevented him from suffering but some part of me doesn't believe that he had no suffering which is tearing me apart. I would've given anything to have more time, to take away the last couple of months. I fear I may never get over the last few days but I suppose, as it's just a week since he died, I will need to be patient. I just am completely devastated and numb in equal measure. Everything seems wrong somehow. Everything is quiet and empty. I feel for you so much and I wish you peace in time, as I hope for myself. Mind yourself xxxx

Oh Nell, sending love. X

I think all of us here would agree with what you write and empathise with how you are feeling. You've communicated so well how the death of our beloveds affects us. Thank you.

Hello Shanna,

Welcome to the forum and as Clazz says we are all here for you. It will be very very raw for you at this moment. I remember it well and I am just over 2 years in from losing my husband to bowel cancer. He fought it hard for 2 years at one point being in remission but decided after 5 months of being so that it was coming back for him and not leaving a 2nd time without him. He took everything they could throw at him but in the end there was nothing else that could be done and he became terminal. Four bouts of sepsis were thrown into the mix and he also had type 2 diabetes. He wanted to pass at home but the 4th bout of sepsis just finished him and he was re-admitted to hospital where he passed a week a later. Everything you are feeling now is normal the emptiness, feeling lost etc etc. Think I can say we have all been there. Two years and I still sometimes find it so hard to comprehend that he's gone so much has happened I wanted to share with him but can't and some things coming up he'll miss too. The arrival or our 2nd grandchild in November and our other little granddaughter just started school a couple of weeks ago he wanted to be here to see that but cancer has other ideas. Just keep coming here as we all `get it` and we're a nice friendly bunch so you can come on here and just let off steam if you need to and shout scream or whatever. Take Care of yourself. Sending you best wishes

Vicky