I lost my husband on Friday 22nd Aug, 2 weeks ago. We were married 36 years. I’m beyond devastated. There are no words to describe how painful it is, crippling, paralysing, all that and more. It wasn’t unexpected, but no matter how much in my head I had prepared for it, when it happened I wasn’t prepared at all. He had battled this treacherous illness for the last 5 years. The last 2 weeks of his life were difficult beyond belief, he stopped eating, the brain metastasis took over his cognitive function and he completely lost his speech and movement. He couldn’t function independently. At this point he was admitted to hospital for end of life care. It was horrific. He passed away peacefully drugged up with morphine. The pain wraps itself around me and grips me.
My family have left now (I live abroad), and I came home for the first time to an empty flat. It was awful. I’m trying to fill my days but the pain is always there and everything reminds me of my husband. I’m surrounded by good friends at the moment but they’ll tire of me soon when I can’t keep smiling and force the laughter. I just want to curl up into a ball and howl. I’m still in disbelief that this has happened. I just can’t imagine the rest of my life without him.
