My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hi Esme, it sounds as though you have a few worries right now (((hugs))) I hope things soon improve.

So sorry to hear that Fiona's dad is so ill. It is so difficult and worrying when people we love are ill. ((((hugs)))) for Fiona and her dad.

As for sleep Esme, once again it has become quite an elusive commodity. I feel so tired yet cannot stay asleep. Grrrr..... Still, I suppose I shouldn't complain when people have so many other worries to contend with.

Love, hugs and support also for those coming up to anniversary dates. My thoughts are with you all.

It is anpother lovely sunny day here so I hope you all manage to have the best possibly day. As for me, I am about to start filling in the cracks which have appeared in the ceiling. Mmmmm....... such fun (not).

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Hi everyone.  Rosemary thanks for letting us know about Fiona and her worries about her Dad.  Sending you lots of love and very best wishes Fiona xxx.

Rosemary it sounds like you have a few more things to think about as well.  I hope you are okay?  My bbq went very well yesterday.  I didn't do many bbqs last year with helping Becky to move house 3 times.  The break seems to have done me some good.  Instead of trying to do it the way Chris would have done I resorted to a very gilrie solution and used 4 instant bbqs instead.  I put them all in our big bbq to get the right height to work on but it was so much less messy than all that horrible black charcoal & firelighters.  I did the cooking (which I handed over to my dad or son last year) and all the preparation.  It wasn't the best cooked food - strangely all a very similar shade of black! but everyone seemed to enjoy it and I enjoyed myself doing it which is a huge improvement.

Today I am making a start on decorating my staircase.  I am off work until the 3rd May so it is a good time to tackly it.  Good luck with the cracks Patricia - and the guttering for that matter.  I haven't tried to clean guttering yet.  Pam you have been keeping yourself very busy.  I hope you had a nice time with your family yesterday.  I hope you manage to get a bike.  Lynne seems to be enjoying hers.  My neighbours are home from their holiday now so I might be out on mine again very soon.  I need to test my new softer saddle!!  I hope Lynne is enjoying her walk as well - so much exercise!

Well I had better get on with the stairs.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

Afternoon girls

Hope you all had as good a hoilday as you can.........

Love and ((hugs))

Dot xxxxx

Hi my lovely penguins.

Big (((((hugs)))))))) to all who are struggling at the moment.  Its those dratted waves isn't it. Always breaking over our heads no matter how we try to miss them.

Fiona, sorry to hear about your dad.  Hope he is not too bad and improves soon. 

Well, the family have just gone home.  It went quite well really.  The second dinner I have cooked since I lost Martin went well, I had not forgotten how to do a roast.  I suppose once learned never forgotten.  My youngest grandaughter, Clara, sat in her granddads seat, it seems she will make this hers in any future celebrations, which I think he would like.  He looked after her a lot when she was younger and always had a soft spot for her.We even had a joke or two with him over dinner.  it is good when we are able to talk about them and my family are always glad to do this with me.

There were some wobbly moments, but that is to be expected isn't it.  There will always be wobbly moments and I am learning to deal with this fact. 

Well I did it... went out today and bought a bike.  I am picking it up tomorrow so will have to get used to riding one again.  It has been many years since I was on a saddle.  They are putting a gel seat on, so that should make it a bit more comfortable. Trying to widen my horizons and trying to expand my life. As is said in 'Ball in a Jar', we cannot make the void any smaller but we can expand our lives so it seems as if it is.  Hope I am making sense here.

Glad your bbq went well Ailsa.  and hope your decorating goes well too.

Oh Rosemary, you seem to be having a few problems, hope they are not too large.

And Helen, I can only send you lots of ((((hugs))))) and hope you can rally round again.  It just does not seem fair does it, we have been through so much and yet we still get kickbacks.  Take care xx

Well that is the holiday over (I am glad to say).  We always have to make an extra effort to get through these times don't we.  I wonder if the time will come when it all gets easier.  I suppose it might, one day, but that seems such a very long way off.

Well I am now going to settle down and watch the tele.  It keeps my mind busy.

((((((hugs)))))) to you all and try to keep swimming

Take care

Pammie xx

Hi Pammie and everyone,

Well thats the 1st Easter over and Ive just got back from the caravan, its been hard watching all the families enjoying themselves and having bar-be-ques, Del loved it there and we was going to spend alot of time there, but thats not to be. I dont even know if I can keep it after October as it will be so hard finding site fees etc. Its a shame as Del worked so hard to keep it and weve had it since 1993. We have alot of friends there but they are mainly couples so am finding that hard they just dont understand what its like and say Im looking much better and am coping well. Im not but have to put on the public face. Its hard work aswell with the garden there and stupid things like not knowing how to do the things Del always did, like the boiler etc. But the weather has been great and Ive caught the sun so look abit better now. My mum has been with me, shes 86yrs, doesnt say alot but is company.

Now we have next weekend to get through, so hope we all can have a reasonably good time. My son and his fiancee will be with me then at the van so will be better.

Was hoping to get home to find a letter from complaints but still nothing has arrived, hopefully I hear something soon, its driving me mad. When Im away I cant wait to get back and when Im home cant wait to get away.  This house seems so big with just me in it. But Del loved this house and so do I. He was worried I might have to move but the housing ass say I am a tenent so its ok.

Sorry moaning again must stop. Think about you all and hope you all ok. Its good we have each other.  Sending love and hugs to everyone Carol xxxx

Hi Carol, yes it is hard mixing with all the couples again isn’t it.  We can pretend a bit when we are at home, but not when we are among them. But it is something we have to get used to I suppose.  Perhaps the more we venture out the more relaxed about it we may be.

All these 1st we have to get through.  I was so concerned about it being a year round since Martin was diagnosed I had forgotten that this was my first Easter without him.  All I can say is….it passed.  As will all the other holidays that we have to contend with. 

I hope you will be able to keep your caravan on, even though it is so emotive at the moment.  But if it is hard to upkeep on your own perhaps it would be better to let it go.  We have to try and keep extra stress at bay, we have enough to contend with.  Next weekend sounds as if it will be better with your son and his fiancée with you.  More conversation I would think.

I hope you hear from the hospital soon, but please be prepared for the aftermath of feelings when you do hear back.  I know, I have been there.

Do not apologise for letting out your worries, if you cannot do it here where can you do it.  We are all here for you as I know you are here for us.

Take care my friend and don’t forget……try to keep swimming

Pammie xx

Hi Pammie,  Thanks  everyone for always being here for me and yes i am always here for everyone as we all share these awful  feelings.

I have just realised its a year tomorrow that Del went to the GP for results on a routine blood test. He was feeling fine and had no idea anything was wrong, she told him that the liver count was out of range and could either mean he had been drinking heavy (which he wasnt) or it could be liver cancer. She said he would have to go for tests but as we were due to go to Zante the following Sunday he said he would have them when we got back. We went every year at the same time,so 2nd May will be the 1st time we not there. It was while we were there that he went yellow, he was still convinced nothing was wrong as he had never been ill before. It was when we got back he went to hospital and 2nd June will be a year since he was 1st diagnosed. Looks like it happened to both of us about the same time Pammie.

I am prepared to feel bad when I do hear from the hospital as they arent going to admit anything and i know its going to be a long horrible battle. But as I have said before I feel so guilty for breaking my promise to Del for not getting out of the hospital and for not being with him when he died that I cant break the promise I made to him when I found the head injury that I would fight until i get answers.

I am looking forward to us all meeting, I think it will do us all good.

Im hoping to keep the caravan for another season, but after that Im not sure. it will be better with my son being there, my mum bless her has been great, but as I said doesnt talk much. Might even get him to get the bar-be-que out. His future brother-in-law lives in Selsey with his wife and little one, so would be nice if we were all together.

Well my friend hope this finds you feeling as well as can be expected..As you say we must try to keep swimming. Hugs Carol xx

Carol, I hope next weekend is a little better for you. Good luck with the investigation. Fortunaltely I did not have anything like that to deal with. ((((hugs))))

Pam, glad you got through Easter. Take care x xx x

Ailsa, good luck with the stairway. I cannot do mine because it is too high. I will need to get someone in to do it for me.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Putting up the forum

Hi everyone just thought I would drop by to offer some extra special hugs. Have the best day you can.

Ailsa I hope you are doing ok this weekend x x

 I am going to try to keep my eyes open long enough to see the Royal Wedding. mmmm.... it will be just my luck to fall asleep just because I want to stay awake. Oh well only time will tell.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x