My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Sue, congratulations on your achievement. They are so lucky to have you.

Gayle, it is good to hear that your eyes are improving. Poor Billie. Are the buttons there so he can;t attack the stitches and to help the tissue of the ear to bond together again??? I hope he makes a quick recovery.  Don't be so hard on yourself re the new relationship. You are only a young lady and I am sure no-one would expect you to live the rest of your life without a 'special' person in your life. Only you can know whether it is the right time or not.

Becky,  Ckare, yes life goes on (on the outside) but inside we are at a standstill and noone sees that do they). Everyone reaches a time where they feel that they can make some changes whether they want to or not. This does not mean that we feel less for our looved ones or are forgetting them. It just means that we are mayber accepting that we have to make a life for ourselves without them (perhaps in a way as a tribute to them and the love we had together making us the people we are today). I may not be making any sense to you and if not then I am sorry. Be kind to yourselves in these very early days and give yourselves time to grieve. It does not matter what anyone else thinks, it is how you feel that matters. Just be careful that you do not fall into the deep black hole of sorrow.

I hope that everyone who posts here has the best weekend they possibly can.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Hi everyone

Pam, hope you re bouncing back. They really dont understand!! Had a few things my brother said that proved he doesnt understand. Had to let it go over my head xxx

Becky hope you have good night with your sis and hubbie. 

I am off for a long weekend and have no plans!! Many of us know we have all kept so busy and dreaded weekends with nothing planned but I am quite looking forward to it. Still bit doubtful but have had so many busy weekends lately and got another one next weekend with brother and family coming to stay Thursday until Sunday then off to the lakes on the Sunday with G so am convincing myself I need a quiet one!! Saw G last 2 nights which has been lovely so chilling tonight.

Ailsa well done on choosing your fridge freezer, I have also ordered and a cooker and that is being delivered on Monday. Daft isnt it but feel quite proud of myself lol!!

Gayle glad you and your patient are getting over your ops. Have a good weekend. 

Hugs to everyone and hope you  manage a good weekend

Just keep swimming!!!

Helen xxx

Hi everyone Been reading your posts for a few weeks and it gives me hope that things will eventually get better. My husband died on 22 Dec, first time I have been through this so not really not sure what to expect. Where does the "penguin" theme come from? Jackie xx

Hi Jackie, my husband also died on 22nd December. I'm not 100 percent sure, but I think the penguin theme is because penguins huddle together to keep one another warm, with the most vunerable ones in the middle - just like us on here. Perhaps some one who has been here longer than me can explain it better.

Clare x

 

hi, clare and Jackie

clare has got it just right - some months ago, one of our lovely ladies suggested that we were like a group of penguins who huddle together to keep each other safe and warm,  and indeed to protect the more vulnerable whilst the stronger ones patrolled the edges. So get into the middle of the huddle, girls, and we will look after you.

xx

Thank you for explaining the "penguin" theme.  It's lovely!

I don't post much as it's difficult to know what i am feeling from day to day.  I don't know either what to say when even the most well meaning of people ask me how I am.  I know they want to help and support me, bu how do i explain that since my life as a knew it, ( a happy and comfortable retirement after we had worked hard all our lives), was ripped away when Gary first showed symptoms of mesothelioma.

Yes, he did survive nearly two and a half years, and yes we did manage to have some good times between the rounds of chemo, side effects of chemo, scans, hospital appointments, not to mention the acute kidney failure and bouts of shingles.

Gary was always so positive and refused for the first two years to even acknowledge his time was limited: many people were not aware of how we were both affected by the dreadful illness. 

The final months i would not wish on my worst enemy.  Watching the man I had loved for forty three years waste away to skin and bone, and become so debilitated, he could barely take three steps without struggling for breath.  He was such a proud man, he refused help for so long.  I did everything I could to make his last few weeks as comfortable as possible, even when he refused to use a wheel chair, and i was denied the a last few outings together.  All I could do was let him do it "his way", but came at a terrible price.

I am trying hard to focus on all the good times we had.  I don't want my lasting memory of Gary to be of wizened figure, made old before his time by that terrible disease.

Sorry to be so gloomy, the weather here is just about matching my mood today.  Hope other penguins, not sure what the collective name is, flock doen't sound right, are having as good a day as possible.

Daffie

 

Hi Daffie
I think we have been in touch before when my husband also had mesothelioma.  Well its been 14 weeks for me and it feels like 14yrs.  Yes we were married 43yrs and knew each other 46yrs.  How do you put a plaster over that.  I just dont know. I have had a couple of alright days but not normal and last night and this morning was the pits.  My husband wouldnt have a wheelchair either and he died at home.  The first 16months try to carry on as 'normal' and he never spoke about the end but we spoke about everyone else.  Yes the phone doesnt ring so often now and well meaning 'friends' havent contacted me.  I have been surprised with some of them and at times have felt angry but I suppose thats human.  My husband also was so proud and dignified up to the end and the one thing he always said to me was dont remember me as I am now but how I was before all this began.  Never said 'why me'.  I think he worried about me and how I would cope.  He always took care of me and now I feel so alone.  I was always an optimistic person all my life and I dont know who I am at the moment.

Take care and remember someone will always be here for.

Afternoon girls

We elected to call ourselves a 'huddle' of penguins and as you both feel so fragile just now I suggest you waddle on  (sorry don't mean to be offensive - but penguins do waddle!!) into the middle of our huddle and let the stronger ones take care of you for a while.  Comforting hot choc and/or Baileys by the bottle full as required............And tissues a-plenty when needed.....

Remember just take tiny steps forward - too big and you find yourself going backwards.........a minute....an hour........a day at a time..........No forward planning for a while - just do things at the best pace for you each day........

Love and comforting (((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

Dot xxxxxxxxxxx

Hi Susan

 

Think I would like to join the huddle! And think I need to be in the middle. Partner has cancer of the oesophagus - he is  very very poorly just now - very weak from radiotherapy and chemo for the past 6 weeks.  I feel a bit alone and a bit tearful, maybe even a bit sorry for myself today, but more sorry for him.  Kenny is 49, was so full of life and interested in music and we had such a great life together.  We walked in the hills and we browsed record shops, we enjoyed nice food/nice restaurants/nice wine.  Our families are grown up and we were looking forward to enjoying the rest of our lives having fun.  Until this illness has taken it away from us.  Kenny is not throwing in the towel yet.  He is still very positive.  But the specialist has told us that the tumour is inoperable.  So every day we live with the uncertainty of not knowing how long he will live.  It breaks my heart to see him as a shadow of himself and in pain.  He worries about me, so I have to put on a face and show strength and courage, when really I am breaking up inside.  I have read a lot of posts today, some positive and some very sad, and some which are heartening.  They all make me feel "normal" and I realise that I am not alone.  I am amongst very special people who have had their lives turned upside down.  So, today, could I join the huddle and feel the warmth of very special, kind and caring people.  Just for one day, please.

Sheena xxxx

 

 

 

Dear Sheena - I was just about to pop off for a cuppa when I spotted you.  Of course you can join our huddle - if we all shuffle round a bit there's room for you too in the middle...........And there is no time limit to how long you stay.......an hour..........a day..... weeks or months if need be.

My hubby has Multiple Myeloma and is just about to start yet another round of Chemo treatment....His third.....although after the last one he did have about 18 months in remission.  It's very much an up and down trip along this road that is not of our choosing.  We too had plans for being out and about with lots of long walks - the Pennine Way for one - but now there are days when Alan can hardly shuffle around the house!!!!  I too know the brave face and appearance of coping when all you want to do is scream at the unfairness of life and this disease......

Stay as positive as you can - and when you can't come here to rant and rave....we'll always be here to give you a ((hug)) and make space in the middle of the huddle to keep you safe.....

Love and many comforting ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))

Dot xxxxxxxxxxxxxx