My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Oh Patricia, sending huge hugs for you, you are always supporting all of us.  I do hope you are able to make it to the meet, it would probably be so good for you and you need to let it all out here where we all understand.  It seems like this is a hard time for many of us, the dreary days certainly don't help.   I have been weepy the last couple of weeks, usually on the way to work in the car alone but I know that I will be ok in a while.  I also find the little things in the house so difficult, all the things I took for granted before and now have to do myself. 

I did cook for Danny's cousin and his son on the weekend and was so nervous as it had been so long since I had cooked for anyone but it went very well and it was so good to see them.   So another hurdle done.  Tomorrow I am supposed to go to a friend's for dinner but we are expecting a huge amount of snow tonight and we are expecting to have a 'snow day' tomorrow so that may be postponed.  I am trying to start a craft group and have invited 4 ladies over on Thursday with whatever craft they are doing.   This is great to motivate me to keep the house in order too.  

Hugs to all and enjoy your meet those of you who are going, I will get there one day!

love

Bren

hello guys

Patricia you and many others have told me off so often if I have said sorry when I have expressed my feelings and worried that it will bring others down. So you follow your own advise and type away. There is a certain sort of 'therapy' we are providing for each other on here, getting it all out with people who understand us and supporting each other in a way only people who have walked those horrible miles in our shoes can. It's a two way street both trying to support and needing support, so sending you extra large hugs and hoping you make it to liverpool, I think it will probably do you some good to see friendly faces.

Bren good for you to have cooked for your cousin and his son, as you say another hurdle overcome.

As many of you might know if you are facebook regulars I have had a difficult few days. My return to work started well on Monday, but one of my cats has been increasingly unwell over the last 21/2 weeks and had been loosing weight over the last couple of months. He had stopped eating again on monday so I took him to the vet yesterday and they kept him in for blood tests. I got a call at around lunchtime to say he had FIV, an incurable virus like HIV. They felt there was no treatment that would make him better for more then a few days and so I had to agree to having him put to sleep. Now I know he was suffering but it is still a very hard thing to decide to do. He may only be a cat but those of you who are pet owners will understand the attachment you have, those of you who are not pet owners probably will not understand the deep sadness from loosing your pet. Tom had been such a comfort these last 6 months or so especially, he was a cuddly lap cat who was always so happy to see you an purred so easily at even a little attention. I have spent many many hours just sitting with him on my knee in the last few months and i am going to really miss him. He has gone to keep Mark company now amd sit on his knee for a while.

I always knew it would be upsetting loosing the cats but we always thought we would be dealing with it together.

My other cats is healthy (at the monent, he may have caught it through the fights they had) but he is skittish and demanding at times and not the calming influence of Tom. He is lovely in his own right but I feel I have really lost the cuddles.

In terms of Liverpool I no longer have the problem of a sick cat to look after, but my mood is currently very low again. I had been looking forward to meeting some of you, and the hotel is booked but I am not sure now that I can face it. I will probably only decide at last minuet and send a message on friday. I need a few days to settle.

To rosemary and Manda I know you are having far more difficult times than me and I am sending you big hugs and my kindest thoughts.

to all the other penguins who are struggling i send you hugs too, and for all those who are doing alright, go for it and dont feel guilty just keep doing it.

becky

Morning all  

 Just stopping by to send special hugs to Amanda ((hug) Patricia (hug) and Rebecca (hug) and a group hug for any other penguin who is having a tough time at the moment ((((((hugs))))))) . Not long to Liverpool now and i'm so looking forward to it . I'll be there Fri afternoon and will hang about the hotel untill others arrive .

 A while ago someone asked if this journey got easier if you get into another relationship , well in some ways it helps but other ways , the guilt is tremendous . Everything i do now i think i should be doing  with Gordon . All my early memories of when i met Gordon have come flooding back and as much as i'm really enjoying being with K the hurt is still there .

Anyway take care all and hopefully i will be giving out some penguin hugs this weekend

 Lynne xxxxx

Well I am really looking forward to Liverpool.  A bit apprehensive with it, but I suppose that is understandable.  Not too worried about the driving (I am coming up from Norfolk) but it is going to be a bit weird meeting some of you face to face for the first time.  This will be my first meet.

Becky and Patricia, I really hope you can make it.  I am sure it will help seeing all us penguins (I hope xx).  Don't feel you will be a damper, for that will be impossible.  We have all been there, are going there right now, and we all know how you are feeling.  We are some of the few people who really do.

What hotel will you be staying at Lynne.  I am at the Novotel.  So might see you there on Friday xx.

Rosemary and Amanda, I hope you are getting through your days and are feeling a bit stronger.  It is always more potent for these things to happen after what you have been through already.  So I can only send you lots of (((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))).  Take care xx

Love

Pammie

Becky I am sorry about your cat, I do understand they are part of your family.  I lost my Scooter who was 16 less than two months after my husband died.  He had been ill off and on for several years but it was so hard to be alone then.  I knew it was coming and hoped I wouldn't have to make the decision and I didn't, he died in my arms but so hard without Danny to comfort me.  And we had gone to pick him out together as a kitten, Danny was the one who noticed him at the shelter.  So I am sending load of hugs to you today.  I do know how hard that is.

hi

Becky

so sorry you lost your cat my animals come part of my family

i know what you mean i lost twin girls and the day before the funeral  we got  a kitten called Tish  with cuddling her it helped  me so much sadly tish has gone now we had her 10 years

i hope you do make  it Liverpool they are a lovely group of ladies i have met some of them i cant make it this time 

Watch the cocktails ladies  lol i hope you all have a good time

love to you all

love janice xx

Hi everyone,

So sorry to hear about your cat Becky.  It is always hard to lose a pet but especially hard to do these things on our own now.  I really hope you manage to come to Liverpool as I think it will do you the world of good meeting us all.  Patricia, so sorry you are low too.  Sending you big hugs and I too also hope you make the meet at the weekend.  Big hugs to Amanda and Rosemary who are also going through difficult times.

I have had a bit of a rubbish week too.  And while I mostly don't feel the pain the way you do at the beginning I am now mostly awash with total sadness most days.  The pain does rise up some days and on Monday it happened for no real reason to be honest.  I think I am just feeling a bit lonely.  I seem to be the strong one who looks after everyone else and no-one seems to look after me.  Would just be nice to have someone caring for me.  I had a bad day at work and left at 3.30 (had to pay someone off), drove home, went to bed to hide from the world.  When I finally decided to face the world about 8pm not one person had been looking for me.  Made me feel sad that no-one was wondering where I was or what I was doing.  I love my kids but they are hard work and I often think is this it?  Getting up, working, dealing with the kids.  Hard to imagine that is all I have to look forward to for the next 10-20 years.  Just wish life would stop being a struggle and be fun again.  Sorry, just feeling sorry for myself and needing a kick up the bum.  So looking forward to seeing some of you at the weekend and catching up with you all properly.

Take care penguins

Gayle xxx

I know what you mean Gayle.  There is no-one there to miss you when you get home late.  And it would be lovely to just have a big cuddle.  I know it is nice to be able to go out where and when we like, but I would much rather have him home to come home to, to worry about me, to give me a cuddle when I need it.

Life is such a bitch at times

Big (((((((((((hugs)))))))))) to you

See you at the weekend.

Love

Pammie xx

Hi everyone.  I just want to send (((hugs))) to Patricia, Manda, Rosemary & Becky before I go to bed.  Patricia & Becky I am still hoping you both manage to get to Liverpool at the weekend.  Gayle I know just what you mean about no-one seeming to miss you.  Even now I am so disappointed when I go a couple of days with no phone calls or texts.  That never happened before - Chris & I were in contact with each other several times a day.  I left work early today and came home to get my head down for an hour so I could go to visit an old friend this evening without yawning.  When I woke up I was a bit disorientated but also bizaarly aware that no-one seemed to even notice I hadn't been around for a bit.

I am really looking forward to the weekend and catching up with old friends and meeting new ones.

Sorry - I posted in error just then.  Heather it is lovely to hear from you.  I hope you are okay and yes - Peggysue is very wise.  Bren well done cooking for family.  You did very well.  I hope you are doing okay as well.  Well I was just supposed to be reading posts tonight so I had better go as I have work in the morning.  Take care everyone and Patricia just remember what we tell everyone who joins us here - if we can't be woefull here where can we be?  We are always here to hug each other when we need it. Ailsa xxx