My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hi all you lovely penguins,

I hope you are not too cold, I think we are all looking forward to the Spring coming.  I think this time of year does not help our mood.  It seems it is affecting all the penguins, no matter how far down this rocky road they are. I think a bit of warm sunshine will do us all some good. 

I have had an up and down week this week (whats new).  I did have a good talk with myself yesterday.  I am spending so much time feeling sorry for Martin and his ilnness it is not helping my mood at all.  I then realised that he is now at peace and whatever went on before is history.  I must now concentrate on me and getting me through this.  But it is the 'missing him' bit that I find so hard to live with.  I know this is normal and I will always miss him, but have been told that it does not always feel so painful and time does heal somewhat.  I only hope this is true cause I don't want to feel like this forever.

On a brighter note, I am now settling down at the gym.  I found it very surreal to begin with......you know........ new life and all that, but I am finding it easier the more I go.  I did think that it would lift my  mood and I would feel better, which I probably do feel slightly better afterwards, but I was silly to think that it would be an answer to all my problems.  I now realise that it is going to take much longer to settle into this new life, and I must go through the grieving process with all its ups and downs.  It is not a process that can be hurried and I find it does help, when I am feeling really down, to remember  that this is just the natural way of things and it takes time.   It cannot be rushed. 

I have got my grandchildren staying with me tonight, so that will be good.  I have bought some popcorn and we can watch a good film.  I have got to feed them, but a trip to the local chippy should help with that.  Got to make life as easy as I can havn't I.

Well I am now going to stop rambling  and just want to wish all you penguins as good a weekend as you can have.  It is a bit too cold for swimming, so you can all jump  into my big boat if you like, I have plenty of hot chocolate and Baileys.  I am hoping you will all come (it is a really big boat!)and I would love the company.

Look forward to seeing some of you next weekend in Liverpool x

Lots and lots of big ((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))) for you all. 

Love

Pammie xx

Evening all

Pam -thanks for the offer of a place in your boat and hot choc - I think I'll join you as this p-p-p-penguin has been p-p-p-perishing f-f-f-free-ee-zing most of the day!!!! 

After the awful time last weekend and gallons of tears wept I've bobbed along this week - just managing to stay afloat.  Have managed one or two cleaning jobs around the house and sorted my office space - yet again!!  There's only me uses this room but it gets really messy!!  I think there's an evil pixie somewhere here that messes it up when I'm not looking!!!!

Ah well - back to my cardmaking for an hour - or two............

Love and ((((hugs)))) to everyone that calls in here

Dot xxxxxxxxxxxx

hello penguins

looks like it has gone a bit quiet on here the last couple of days, I hope that reflects that you are all doing well and just too busy to post! If your not so good sending supportive hugs.

Today was my first day back at work. It felt oddly fine. It feels bad in some way that it should have gone so 'well'. Maybe a reflection that I was ready to go back or maybe just because i had so much time to prepare myself for the first day that i went in mentally protected. I always have been a different person at work.

I have a bit of bad news, I may not be able to make it to liverpool! My cat is really quite ill and not really improving so i can't leave him in the care of my neighbours to pop in a couple of times a day. he is really worrying me, I have had him to the vet 3 times in two weeks and he is back to the vet on wednesday, unless he gets worse then he'll be back there in the morning. Unfortunately it is now a bit late to get a house/cat sitter to stay here so I may have to cry off.

again i hope you are all doing ok. baileys and hot chocolate all round.

becky

Morning everyone.  Posting at this time is a bit sad I know but what can I say.  Becky I am glad your first day back at work was fine.  Try not to feel bad for that but I know exactly what you mean when you say you feel bad.  I am only now getting to a point where I don't feel bad about things going well when chris isn't here.

I hope you will still be able to get to Liverpool but I also really hope that your little cat is feeling a bit better by now.  It is such a worry.  Keep us informed and I will keep my fingers crossed.

Dot it is good to see you have found a little of your get up & go.  I hope it stays with you.  It has been very cold over the weekend but I think it is due to be milder but wetter now.  I will make sure I have my brolly for Liverpool in that case.  I remember my hair going very curly in London!!!

Pam I hope you had a good time with your grandchildren at the weekend and enjoyed your fish & chips.  Stick with the gym and it will help.

I had a busy but productive weekend.  I managed 2 nights out and I also finished painting a door to the new downstairs loo.  That is as much as I can do in that room now.  My son needs to fill a hole in the ceiling where the electrician moved the light but he will do that when he does a bit of plastering for me when the weather is a bit warmer.  When he does that I will need to paint the ceiling again but for now I think it is finally officially finished.  Well I should get ready for work.  I am expecting an old friend to visit this evening but she has let me down a few times in the past few months so we will see.  I hope everyone else is okay.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

Ailsa, how lovely that things are coming together so well with regards to your 'projects'. Hopefully it will soon be completed and you can then sit back and admire all your efforts.

Rosemary, (((((hugs))))) to you following what must have been a very difficult day yesterday.

Manda, I hope that your mum's final journey goes well and that you and the family get through it without to much distress (what a daft thing for me to say --- sorry!)

Dot, sending lots of (((((hugs)))))) to you anmd hoping that you are finding a little peace.

As for me...... well I had a major meltdown at work last night. (not in front of the patients).  We had been run off our feet and not had a minute to think. One of our lovely ladies had been told there was nothing more that could be done for her and she is now being fast tracked onto the Liverpool care pathway'. When we finally sat down, I for some inexplicable reason just lost control of my emotions and whilst talking with my colleague and friend, I completely lost the plot. I truly feel as though I am right back at the beginning of this awful, devastating, unwanted and uncalled for journey. The roller coaster ride is spiralling out of control and I cannot do a thing to stop it. Also, all through the night I kept 'feeling' and sometimes 'seeing' a presence beside me. It was not scary or unnerving but I was just acutely aware. When I mentioned it to my friend she just looked at me and said "I know, there has been something with us all night, but I didn't like to say". When came home I went straight to bed only to wake up and have to rush to the bathroom as my body decided that it wanted to empty the contents of my stomach. Oh well, such is life. Sorry for the rediculously 'woe is me' post, but right now I feel that I am completely alone and feel as though I am falling into a black hole. Talking does help a little so please forgive my ramblings but I find it somewhat cathartic to write things down. I am at the moment a little unsure how I feel about meeting up at the weekend as I don't want to put a damper on things. (Once again I am taking things minute by minute).

I hope that all who are in need manage to get the comfort and solace they deserve. That all who are happy remain so.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Oh Patricia, sorry that you have had a bad time.  Hope you are feeling a bit brighter.  It is so hard when it hits us and we can do nothing about it.

Do not worry about coming to Liverpool, we would all be glad to see you.  And if you can't be yourself with your MAC friends than who can you be with.

It might even lift your spirits some.  So please do try to come if you can.

To all you other lovely penguins, lots of big (((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))

Hope it went as well as it could for you both Rosemary and Amanda.  Lots more (((((((((((hugs)))))))) for you both.

Looking forward to seeing some of you in Liverpool

Love

Pammie xx

What a wonderfull bunch of ladies you are! Peggy-sue is right that only those who have never been us can understand us. My deepest respect to all of you. I lost my husband January 1st, 2006 - happy new year- and sod that!  what happens is that life comes crowding in wether we want it or not and you find that you are dragged screaming in to the "real world" becasue bills have to be payed and children need feeding and work now wants us pronto. How are you keeping now after your first Christmas? We had chips and egg as I was working in the morning xmas day 2007 and I nearly choked. Heather xxx

Pammie, thank you for your reply. I no longer know who I am (if indeed I ever did). Just having a tough time this month probably due to the highly charged and emotional times we are having as a family (happy and not so happy events). I know that I am really hard on myself and hate to be the 'needy' one in any situation. Mum always used to say "Oh Mrs Independant, won't let anyone help her". My sister now says that to me. Mmmmm...... if we could see ourtselves as others see us I believe I would be very, very afraid of what I saw.

Heather, I am so sorry to hear that you too are in this expanding group of people who are here through no fault or desire of their own. Myself and my family have now been through 4 very diffult Christmas days. 2007 because mum had died that year, 2008 because we had been informed that there was no further treatment to help prolong Ray's life, 2009 because Ray was 'gone' and 2010 because it is just so, so  hard without two of the most important people in my life and also because we were anxious about dad's health. I hope you are now finding life a little less fraught but just know that it probably closes in you when you least expect it. Take care dear lady. Oh and yes Peggysue is a very wise lady ans speaks a lot of sense.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Dear Patricia - you are not alone - we are all with you and holding you in our flippers.  Stay in the middle of the huddle with me for a while till you feel a bit more settled.......The black hole is too deep and scary to be falling in!!!!  You keep telling me that 'woe is me' posts are allowed - if that is so then you can do it too!!!  This up and down road we tread in pursuit of a calmer life is full of potholes designed to trip us up at the worst possible times!!  I'm right there with you - it helps me too because I prefer to think of others rather than myself.................

Love and comforting ((hugs))

Dot xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx