My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hi to all you penguins old + new. This old month of January has really sent me reeling, would be struggling to catch a life belt. Have not been feeling too great achey joints + knee probs + to cap it all the blood tests came back ok except that I have low calcium so now have calcichew to take. also have now got a sore throat + a cough again. Feel like they ought to put me out to graze, the only thing that makes me smile at the moment is my young grandson + even he hasnt been his sunny self as he's been teething ( teeth bother us when they come + when we lose them ) Sorry girls for the moan will have to find my get up + go -- at least I dragged myself out for a walk today. I was hoping to finally get to see you all at Liverpool as there's an offer with the trains again but dont think I'll make it. Anyway I shall be thinking of you all +will raise my glass of baileys to you. again apologies for the moans <<<< BIG HUGS >>>> to all the new penguins who are starting this journey + to all the other penguins who are so supportive -- love to all Lynda x

Hi Lynda - I think we will have to form a search party to hunt for all these bits of 'get up and go' that have got up and gone goodness knows where...........

Sorry you're having a rough time right now......come and join me in the middle of the huddle - I'll just shuffle up a bit to make a bit extra room for you.........It's cosy and safe in here!!!

I'll have to get in a fresh supply of Baileys for me too......Don't know where it all goes...........{hic}

Love and a special (((hug))) for you........

Dot xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thanks dot for the welcome into the huddle -- wonder if its this dreary old month, just went to put some clothes on the line + it was bitterly cold, oh for a lottery win + a warm holiday destination ( well I can still dream ) Aches are a little better today might be the warm huddle of u penguins or the antibiotics kicking in, maybe both.  Well will spend the rest of the day indoors + I think I'd better tackle the ironing!! Love + hugs to all u penguins + hope you're having the best possible day xx lynda

Yes it is a dreary month and now I find that my 'wonderful' gas fire is causing problems. Now I need to call the 'chimney sweep' back to see whether it is a simple remedy or whether I am going to have to invest  in a new fire. mmm.... now where did I put that child who normally climbs the chimney... lol (only joking). Well at least I can get in the house now since dad changed the lock so that is one good thing. Or maybe I should just lock the door and walk away from all the minor irritations arising in the house?? what do you think??? answers on a pinhead please.

Lynda, would you like some more ironing..... not a job I like at all.

Dear penguins I hope you are having the best day you possibly can.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Evening everyone,

Patricia, what a beautiful name for your new granddaughter.  They are so lovely as babies.  Linda, I hope you feel better soon and I am so sorry you can't make Liverpool.  Becky, I'm sorry to hear of the troubles you are having with work.  I hope you can sort out a happy medium with your boss.  I know that I was terrified at the prospect of returning to work as I have quite a demanding job and deal with a lot of clients.  I remember someone put a client appointment in for me my first week and I cancelled it.  However it didn't take long till professional mode kicks in and you can put a "mask" on (and I still do).  Very little of my clients even knew why I was off and I think most thought I was sick and that is the way it is staying.  My motto is definitely keep busy and I wouldn't say it has stopped the grieving process or slowed it down because you have less time to think.  I still think about it but it also gives me a purpose to get out of bed.  For some reason today I am feeling a bit more positive.  Wully went kicking and screaming because he so wanted this life and I owe it to him to make sure I make the best of the one I have.  Very hard I know but I am going to try my best.

Things are a bit quieter here this week.  Only 3 tax returns to go (yippee!!!) so I am been taking it easy the past couple of days.  Tuesday my stress levels were through the roof and I can't wait until its the 1st of February so I can completely switch off to it.  I've got a busy week next week too with work and various appointments before heading down to Liverpool.  So looking forward to seeing you all and catching up properly.  I'm also looking forward to a wee holiday as it feels like ages since I've had a break. 

Anyway, I think I will have an early night tonight.  I have been sleeping well this week (don't want to jinx it!) and I think its because I have to listen to a hypnosis tape every night for my diet plus I have started exercising again.  I've not got much planned this weekend.  I have an old friend coming over tomorrow night for a drink because I don't have a babysitter.  We did date briefly when I was about 18 but we were too much like best friends so just stuck to friends but we were very close when we were young and lost touch as you do.  He got in touch last weekend through FB and we have been chatting on the phone this week so I am really looking forward to seeing him as he is a lovely person and we had a lot of good times when we were young (and got into a lot of trouble lol!).  And its my dad's 70th tomorrow so we are going for a family meal on Saturday night. 

Right I will say goodnight and send lots of big penguin hugs (especially to Amanda, Rosemary and Dot who are needing them).

Gayle xxx

HI Becky I have just been through my emails an saw yours which was sent in Dec.  Sorry for not getting back to you for so long.  Last week horrendous but this week not so bad as lots of visitors but I do get fed up and lonely going up to bed on my own each night.  I see on the site about meeting up in Liverpool.  Are you part of the Way Up on the Merry Widows site?  Hope you can sort out your job if its this Friday.  Sometimes it seems it all happened years ago.  Take care of yourself

Lots of love Theresa xx

hi penguins

thankyou for you words gayle, it did bring a tear but is so much the way I feel about why i should carry on and why i try to tell myself not to feel guilty when things are becoming more manageable.

Well the stress seems not to be able to wait this week. I have an ill cat, i thought he was better and we just needed to wait till next week for him to have some blood tests, but i was awoke this am by the sounds of a vomiting cat! not at all pretty, i have no idea how all that came out of one animal, especially as he didnt eat yesterday. He has done nothing all day today and not eaten, more worrying he did drink either and he is dehydrated. So i had to take him to the vet for the 3rd time in 2 weeks this evening. I think the vet might think i have munchhowsans by proxi (sorry don't knoe how to spell it) and i am taking it out on my cat! he said he was baffled by his array of symptom, first weight loss, then went laim, now profuse vommiting, either that or he thinks there is something very wrong but does not want to say. He gave him an anti sickness jab and said sit tight for the weekend but if he worsens to take him in in the morning and they'll put him on a drip. he actually got out his box and ate a little food when we got home, but he is still really not right. Fingers crossed but i see more trips to the vet in the comming week, he is already booked for one on wednesday.

I went to see my boss today, and as I thought he was very reasonable about everything and oppologised for the distress he has caused and is trying to change things arround. I will not be expected to work in the hospital Mark died in and i will not be posted to one of the other hospitals till august. I also have a clearer idea of how things will be assessed during my phased return. all it all i feel much better about it all again now and ready to start on monday. Just wish i didn't have the worries about the cat at the same time.

I hope all you penguins have plans to do something nice over the weekend. Big HUGs to those who really need them at this time, January is almost over, another month almost gone.

take care of yourselves

becky

Hello

Having read through your posts, there seems to be a pattern. It seems no matter how long ago you lose your partner, life still throws you ups and downs, the difference being that now you have to cope with them on your own, which makes it all so much harder - even the good times are bitter sweet because we want our men to experience them with us.

My daughter showed me a mole on her shoulder that had gone black. I freaked. (quietly because I didnt want her to see my fear). I took her to the GP and he said he would remove it for her and send it off to the lab. When I went to make the appointment, the receptionist said it would be up to 2 months before they could fit her in, and they would 'be in touch'. Well I couldnt cope with the waiting, not after last year with Jack, waiting for appointments/tests/results, so i took her to a private clinic where the dermatologist examined her and told me it was definately benign.She will still have it removed and sent off but I can breathe again. 

If Jack had been here, and before his illness, I could have shared this with him, I'm not saying I wouldnt have been worried, but a problem shared and all that.

Becky - good luck with returning to work next week. I have arranged to go back on a phased return next month. fingers crossed that your cat gets better soon.

My sister and brother in law are coming to stay for the weekend. They are going to help me with a couple of jobs, = a lovely neighbour gave me an apple tree, and we are going to plant it. also I have some boxes to go up in the loft. Then we are all going to pizza express for tea.

I hope you have a good weekend

Clare x

Hello Clare, I am so sorry Ive only just seen your post.  Big hugs to you and hope you are getting the support you need at this dreadful time.

christie xxx

Hi everyone.  I hope the penguins are al suitably huddles today.  Patricia I hope you find someone to help with the 'minor' repair jobs you need to get done.  It is awful doing these things for yourself.  As I have done a few now I am getting better at them so if you need help give me a shout - I can do a bit of DIY in exchange for a nice cup of coffee.  While I am strugling with Chris's tools I find I chat to him now instead of crying.  I have decided that maintaining this house is my new hobby of choice now so that makes it a little easier and more positive.  I even hung a shelf - straight.

Becky I am glad you have had the meeting with your boss and that things are a bit better than it first looked.  This is such an awful thing that has happened to each of us I am only now realising that people who have not been through it really have no idea at all how appalling it is.  Only my closest friends know how badly I am still affected by losing Chris.  Most of the others seem to think I am 'over' it now and getting on with life.  It is easier to let them think that.  Your bosses insensitivity will most likely have been caused by him just having no idea.  Well done to you for going to see him and being really honest.  I am sure he is grateful that you have put him in the picture and allowed him to handle this better.  I read on FB that your poor little cat is not very well so I hope you get to the bottom of it soon.

Clare I am glad the dermatologist was able to put your mind at rest about your daughters mole.  It was well worth going private to hear that.  Have a lovely time with your family this weekend.

Nice to hear from you Lynda.  I hope your aches & pains are not giving you too much grief today.  I had a dreaful problem with my back after chris died but I have spent all of the past year working on it and it is getting better at last.  I doubt very much it will ever be perfect because I am old enough to go still sometimes now so there isn't a fat lot I can do about that.  My back wasn't great after having 3 children but when Chris got ill and all our walking stopped my back got really bad.  Then I hurt it quite badly lifting him a lot i the last week of his life.  I couldn't sleep through the night a year ago because it was so bad.  I saw a physio at the end of 2009 and then joined a class doing modified pilates for people who had suffered injuries.  My posture is much better and my muscles are getting strong enough to support my back now.  It feels lovely after years of problems.  I hope yours can be sorted out as well.

Gayle - glad those tax returns are almost done.  Enjoy your friends company this weekend.

Well I really should get off as I have a lot of jobs planned for today.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx