My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hi, My husband died on the 9th Jan. I am feeling disorientated and cannot step outside yet to face the world. My 4 children have been fantastic and i have had countless people call and tell me they will support me including my work. Why do i feel like i do?

Kiri, so sorry that you have lost your lovely man and "welcome" to the community all of us wish we had never had to find, but are so thankful that we did.  We all understand what you are going through and how you are feeling, although a lot of things will be completely personal to you.  Everything is very raw and painful for you right now, you will also be in shock and probably physically and mentally exhausted, so just take everything one step at a time, let yourself go with whatever you feel, cry when you need to and talk when you are able.  On here you can say anything - and we mean anything - all the things you might feel unable to say to others, don't apologise for feeling down or sad or anything, we are here to share and support you and hopefully you will find away down the line a time when you will be able to share some smiles again.  It feels impossible at the moment but remember just one day at a time, or one hour or one minute, whatever it takes to get you through.  Lots of love and a very big hug to you xxxxxx

Evening everyone.  Kiri I am so sorry that you have lost your lovely husband.  Rosemary is very right - a huge amount of what you are feeling is because you are in shock.  It won't even necessarily feel like that to you.  I only recently understood just how badly shocked I have been by my husbands illness and then losing him after a hard fight.  It is shocking & exhausting.  Be kind to yourself and accept all offers of help.  It sounds like you have some lovely people round you.  Take very small steps for now.  Don't have a high expectation of yourself and don't be surprised by any of your feelings.  The friends I have made on here in the past 20 months have saved me from going mad.  We are here whenever you need us.  Say whatever you want and ask whatever you want to ask.  The most important thing for me has been knowing there are others who know exactly what I am going through.  I hope we hear from you again very soon.

Becky you most definately don't make anyone uncomfortable with your questions.  This is a place I always feel safe saying what I am thinking.  I am not sure whether keeping busy is a way of pushing some feelings aside.  I have been incredibly busy since Chris died.  I am very proud of all that I have done but I do worry sometimes that it is a bit out of hand.  I write lists of things I want to get done and tick them off as I do them.  I have made structural changes to my house, done some decorating and probably most obviously been on a mission to look after the house not just with housework but doing some of the kind of DIY that Chris would have done.  I always was a busy person and it was Chris who slowed me down.  If I am honest though I don't think being busy has done me any harm.  It used to make me tired and stressed but I am used to it now and I make sure I get my sleep.  Lots of the other are very busy as well in all sorts of ways.  It also seems to be very normal to completely lack motivation as well.  I don;t think any of us should worry about being busy or not.  It sounds like you are cramming a lot in with the gym and all.  I hope your little cat is okay.  Good luck with going back to work and just be ready for it making you tired.  I must confess to not having paid any attention to the finer details of Saturday in Liverpool either.  I am not sure what time we are meeting.  Some of us have swopped mobile numbers during previous get togethers so I will ask Gayle about the time.

Bren I am so glad the chiropractor has helped your knees.  You did really well making the phone calls.  I often think I wait for people to ring me instead of me calling them.  I think that was one of the reasons for me contacting my old friend last Friday.  I had a good time at the engagement party on Saturday evening.  It was nice to see a few people I haven't seen since Chris's funeral.  It will make the next do easier to go to as I know better what to expect now.  Pam I hope you all had a lovely meal when you went out with your family at the weekend.  It will be nice to meet you in Liverpool. 

Helen I hope your sad teenager is perhaps feeling a little better by now.  Take care and see you soon.  Gayle good luck with the last few tax returns.  It sounds like you had a nice visit to the beach with the boys for Wully's birthday.  It sounds like the hypnosis works well for you with your diet.  Can't believe you are doing the laser eye surgery thing as well - good luck with it all.

Hi Fiona.  I hope you are okay as well.  Is Darren back now?  Some weekends we just have to get through with routine tasks don't we?  Is it April you go away?Dot you sounded so down when you posted.  You have been through such a lot.  Sending you huge ((((hugs)))).  Whatever is not getting done will keep until you feel like doing it.  Until then you must need the rest so huddle inside and we will all be there.  Patricia I love the thought I have of coloured lifebelts now!  Clare it sounds like you keep very busy as well.  I hope your meeting with your boss went well today.

Rosemary - a bit late I know but I think I will join you for that cuppa now.  Well done sorting all Sam's stuff out for the Tesco charity.  I hope you soon find a new kennel for the boys because I will miss you not being in Liverpool.  Chris has family quite close to you and there was talk at the weekend of them getting together down there next time so that may be a chance for me to catch up with you as well - that would be nice.

Right that is more than enough from me.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

Hope everyone has the best day they can.

Rosemary and Manda and Dorothy, thinking of you all as you get through difficult times.

Ailsa, good to see you trying to make a new life for yourself.

Lynne, hope you are doing ok and enjoying yourself as much as you can.

How are your dad's Lynne, Ailsa, Fiona? Not heard much lately.

Well just thought you might like to know the baby's name. It is Kanon (pronounced Kaynon) Jasmine.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Morning all

Patricia - what have I done to warrant being called by my Sunday name??  I only ever got that from my Mum when I was in the 'bad books'!!!!!!  And talking of names - what lovely names chosen for your grand-daughter!!!!  I love jasmine flowers and have a thriving winter bush in my garden.....a bright splash of colour in the middle of all the snow and gloom!!!!  I hope your grand-daughter brings a continuous bright splash of colour into your life...............

How is everyone else just now - hope you're all managing at least a 'doggy-paddle' or - like me - treading water.........???  Lynne, Fiona and Ailsa - sorry to hear about your respective Dads - and hope that they are doing a bit better now???

As for me - well I'm feeling a bit more 'up' than of late - hope I stay that way for a while.......though something tells me that I won't!!!  Still I will make the most of it for now and try my very best to ride out the next emotional storm.............

Love and ((((hugs))))) to all you penguins - I feel so safe wrapped in your flippers..............

Dot xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi everyone

Kiri welcome but so sorry you have to be here.

Becky being busy is the one thing that has got me through, and of course all the lovely penguins on here. I went to the gym at least twice a week in the early months, went back to work and kept busy with my 2 teenagers. Still busy now but in a different way and not as scared of having empty days as I was. Look forward to seeing you in Liverpool xxx

Ailsa glad to say my sad teenager is bit happier and my worries/doubts are bit more sorted. This dating game is tricky lol!! Cant wait to see you all again xx

Laughing at Dot`s Sunday name lol!! Have you been naughty? Thats another reason for getting full title!!! xx

Anyway my afternoon off so done my shopping and about to tidy up.

Love to everyone

Helen xxxx

Hi everyone.  I have been able to finish work a bit earlier today.  I am meeting two friends for tea later so I thought I would just check on here first over a coffee.

Patricia your grand-daughters name is beautiful - Kanon Jasmine.  I have a niece called Jasmine.

Helen I am glad to hear your sad teenager is feeling better and other stresses have settled.  Not be long now until Liverpool.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

Oops I got the pronunciation of name wrong. Typical of me. Kanon is apparently said 'Kahnon' bad grandma can't even get the name right lol.

Dot, never even realised I had typed your full name. (Well I had just done a night shift which was full of excitements and potential traumas but which turned out well in the end).

Too tired to remember all I have read, so please all just accept that I am thinking of you and sending out good vibes to everyone. I hope that whatever kind of day you have had today, tomorrow will be better.

Lynda, I hope you are feeling a little better.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Patricia - Ka(h)non Jasmine will probably be known as 'Kah', 'Kay' or 'Jas/Jaz' by the time she reaches her teens - so don't worry.......

Sounds like you had a hectic time at work last night!!!!  Feet up and rest for a while longer......

Love and ((((hugs))))

Dot xxxxxxxxxx

evening all

welcome kiri, sorry you find yourself here but you may find it as supportive as I do, even just reading if you don't feel up to sharing.

Patricia what lovely names for your granddaughter

I hope everyone else is having an ok day

I have been doing not to bad of late, i thought. Then just after my last post I had an e-mail from work that sent me into a tailspin. I have not even started back at work yet and my boss sent me a message about rotating my job to the general medical department as of may and to make it worse it would be in another hospital, the one Mark was treated and died in....  I ahd got my head around the idea that I was going back to work, I had discussed it with occupational health that it should be slow and graded, and there I was being confronted by the idea that there was now a deadline of 3 months to not only be back on full duties including on calls, but to then be sent away from the familiar support mechanisms and the people who know me and hopefully care about me, to work with new people who neither know me nor care, and with less support from the consultant so having to make far bigger decisions unsupported. AND to send me to work in that hospital so soon, I have not yet actually dared to walk onto any ward anywhere. As I am sure you can tell it sent me running for the hills, I have gone from feeling I am very ready for work to thinking 'who am I kidding', I cried harder then I have done in a couple of months now. I think I worried my dad, he was about ready to get in his car and come down to stay.

The instant gut reaction can be worse then if you try to get some perspective. I have contacted my boss back and am going to see him on friday to discuss how i might get round this. I am sure there must be something we can do.

I have been much more collected today, I went to the gym again today and had a review from the trainer. I just seem to keep hurting myself, my knees, my lower back and now my wrist (strange) so i have more exercises to do on the scary weight machines and with a big orange sponge roll that looks like a cheesey wotsit! some of the stretches with the wotsit are quite embarasing in public places, not so sure i'll have the nerve to do them in the gym! lol.

I am really looking forward to liverpool, not long now.

Take care all, big Hugs for everyone who needs them. i am taking a short break from swimming tonight as i am going to have a little drink and don't want to drown..

Becky