My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

hello penguins

Janet so sorry to meet under these circumstances there are no words, but there is support here and we all understand.

I realise it is a really hard for many of us at the moment, especially dot and rosemary, but I think we are all finding it hard at this time of year. I will admit I have been finding it hard particularly the last few days. Yesterday was the 5 month point. I can't beleive its been that long, I still find it so very hard to beleive that he is never comming home. I am just finding it so very unreal right now. I am back on the sleeping pills for the last couple of nights, they are doing their job, i have slept  more the last couple of nights then i have in many many months. But you still have to wake up don't you. On the stronger side I joined the gym at the beginning of the week, I have been swimming once and to the gym twice. I nearly fainted on the trainer when she was doing my gym induction though!! not sure what happened there, think its just because I haven't exercised in so long. I got through it ok but when i left the gym i just sat in the car and cried. I just can't seem to do anything 'normal' without feeling bad afterwards, not guilty, just sad, i can't share it.

sorry again for the moan, I am just finding it so hard again right now

HUGS to all you other penguins, be kind to yourselves

Becky

Hello Janet, welcome always seems to be a wrong thing to say somehow.

I so agree with you all. I too have been feeling very low.

I also went to the Gym on Wednesday and had a turn, I felt terrible. The trainer was great though, and got me through. Haven't been since though, due to the horrible snow.

Keep swimming all.

K 

Well the decorations are up, the cards are written and sent and the presents are wrapped.  But where is that wonderfull feeling we have at Christmas.  Where is the warmth and happiness.  They died with my darling man. Just putting on a show now for the family,. I know they are feeling it too, but they have someone to turn to, to cuddle and to kiss it better.  I have no-one now.  My love has gone.

Am just sitting here, on my own, thinking of his illnes and the unfairness of it all.  Whatever am I going to do with the rest of my life.  How will I get through the long lonely years ahead.  I know I should not look too far into the future, I know I should be taking one day at a time.  But it does not help me staring into the darkness and just seeing hopelessness.

xx

Hello penguins,

Sorry I haven't been on much.  It has been a busy week although not sure what I have actually been doing.  Big hugs Rosemary.  What a worry you are having and I hope the funeral isn't as bad as you are imagining.  I know what you mean about it being someone you weren't close with but as we know when we attend funerals we often think of our lovely husbands rather than the person we are there for.  Sorry to hear Daniel is struggling emotionally but with an amazing mum like you he will be ok.  Becky, glad to hear you joined the gym.  It is a struggle doing something new but you are trying and that is the hard part.  Patricia, glad your dad got the all clear and can't wait to hear the exciting news of the pitter patter of tiny feet.  Big hugs Lynne for all your worries.  Helen, your photo books sound such a lovely gift.  Dottee, glad to hear you are surviving and sending you big hugs. 

I've just been working loads.  This is a really busy stressful time at work but it keeps me occupied.  I went to see Santa with the boys last weekend and it was pretty awful and I ended up in tears on the way home.  Santa was very insensitive and when Jamie asked for a particular game Santa said yes thats for the wii which your dad plays all the time and doesn't let you use!  What a stupid thing to say considering we were there on our own, I don't wear wedding rings and how many single parents are there in the world let alone widows.  I wasn't in the mood which didn't help.  The boys are very excited about Xmas and to be honest I am definitely not as bad as last year but of course still just wishing it was over.  I just need to keep very busy the next couple of weeks.  I was out last night but ended up leaving early.  Couldn't face all the happy drunk people in the pub and I have a few nights out coming up so its going to be a struggle.  Apart from that I think I just feel a bit numb about everything to be honest. 

Take care penguins

Gayle xxx

i understand 'numb', Gayle.

Rubbish, isn't it.

xx

Evening everyone.  Sorry - it has been a while since I got on here as well.  I have taken my time to catch up on everyone's posts this evening and I have to say it is such a comfort to come on and find you still all here.  I have been struggling a bit just like so many of you.  I honestly expected this year to be easier and have been quite shocked that it is not really much easier at all.  I am not scared this year like I was last year but that is about the only difference.  I have thrown myself into getting ready, especially since we had all the snow.  I feel like I have been in a race against time to beat anymore snow that might fall.  The result is I am so ready for Christmas that I now have little or nothing to do for a week.  That just gives me time to think, which I really didn't want.  Chris was a huge fan of Christmas and we were always one of those houses with the outside lights etc.  I have felt an obligation to continue the tradition for fear of drawing attention if I don't.  I think you will all know what I mean - it would be more obvious if our house was not trimmed up and people would assume I was not coping.  Even if I am not coping with some aspects of this season and really don't want to speak to the neighbours about it.  So my brave smile - in the form of a lot of flashing lights - is firmly in place.  To be fair Declan loves it so I know putting them all up last weekend was the right thing to do.  I did it myself this year as well because Stu was at work!

Patricia I am so pleased to hear that your Dad got the all clear.  Now you can concentrate on your first grandchild in a fortnight.  The mirror has been replaced on my van but it has made me a bit cautious which is probably no bad thing.  Have you managed to get your tree up yet?  I know what you mean about putting it up out of a sense of duty.  Mine are all up because I would feel like I was letting Chris down if they weren't all up and I also can't face the questions if I don't do it.  I am making full use of your extended flipper of friendship by the way xxx

Rosemary I had such a giggle at your Christmas tree escapades.  There is loads of room in your house compared to mine so both trees must have been huge not to fit in.  I would still like to take the treadmill after forgetting it in October providing it is not too much trouble for you to hang onto to it for a little longer.  If it is in your way then let it go but otherwise I will come and get it when the weather is a little more reliable.  I am sorry to hear Daniel was feeling very emotional but it was probably very good for him to have a few tears with his Mum.  I hope you were okay with the funeral on Friday.  This is such a tough time for you so take care.

Judi it is lovely to hear from you as well.  I know what you mean about being busy but you are not sure what with.  I am becoming an expert at that.  Have you managed to get anything sorted for Christmas?  Are Boy & his girlfriend coming to you for Christmas?  We are all going to Becky's this year.  It is unusual for me to agree to be anywhere other than my house but Becky is so keen to have us round to her new house that it seemed like the best thing to do.

I think I should do my usual thing with long posts here - and post before I risk losing it.  Be back in a mo xxx

I'm back!  Janet I would just like to welcome you to this site.  I am so sorry you need to join us here but you are very welcome.  I hope you and your daughters are doing okay.  It must be very difficult getting on with Christmas when the children are so excited but you are still so shocked.  You know where we are if you need us.  There are others posting on here with children of various ages although Gayles are the youngest.

Gayle how are you with your busy time of year?  When Chris was self employed I remember the rush to get his tax return done after Christmas before the deadline.  Good luck with it all.  I hope you get to enjoy some of your nights out.  I have been on 2 Christmas dos now and I still seem to struggle to get enthusiastic about them.  Last night I was out in a pub with some live entertainment.  The guy knew Chris and I so didn't want him to try to speak to me as I think I would just have to have headed home if he had.  I really don't want to be that miserable but I think it would really bring a night down if I have to speak with another singer about Chris.  We left between his spots so I got out of it nicely.  Did the boys noticed what your tactless Santa said?  Hopefully not.

Becky very well done joining the gym.  I don't think I would make the time to go to a gym as I was a member of one before and really din't make the time to go often enough.  I have promised myself much more time on my wii fit in the new year though.  Your friend sounds lovely and encouraging and I feel sure she is right - your not depressed.

Bren - 2 dog walkers.  At least that will save your knees.  I'm sorry to hear you lost your friend to this awful disease.  I think you will be very ready for the Christmas break.  Good luck with the drive.

Pammie you have done very well getting all your presents bought and all your cards written.  Tree up as well.  I too often wander at the fact that I have met some wanderful people since Chris died, as a result of him dying.  It is an odd thing to take in.  I am so pleased to know everyone I know from here but it seems really strange that Chris doesn't know any of you and if it wasn't for him I wouldn't even know any of you.  I often wander what he would make of it.  I hope you are okay as you seem to be having some very different days - bad and not so bad.  I'm glad you have decided how you are getting Liverpool in February and I am looking forward to meeting you.

Dot I hope you are okay.  You have reminded me that Chris used to call crumpets pikelets when I first knew him.  I don't remember hearing him call them that for a while even though his accent was really very broad.

Helen the albums sound really lovely.  I hope you and Nat and Liam are all okay.  It has been lovely receiving Christmas cards from some of you this week so thanks for those.

Well I think I have banged on for long enough tonight.  I am on taxi duty tonight as Becky is on a night out in Pontefract.  I have to go back for her at about 12:30 so not too long now.  I will try to come on here a little more often now.  I hope everyone else I haven't mentioned is okay this evening.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

Morning penguins!!!!!

We have snow, 12 inches of the stuff!!! Think I ll be walking to work tomorrow. Luckily I have done most of my shopping and we are going out for Christmas dinner. Just need the alcohol!!! Havent got any Baileys or Tia Maria!!!

Liam is supposed to be landing in Heathrow Thursday and I am supposed to be driving down on Wednesday and staying over to pick him up. Please keep everything crossed!!! xxx

Like Ailsa said it has been lovely to receive your christmas cards. Just think this time next week it will be all over, hate myself for thinking like that but really want it to be passed. Hopefully next year will be better??? Nat and I got our tree on Wednesday, sounds as big as Rosemary s lol and we carried it home. Only a short walk but we must have looked a sight as it got heavier and heavier and we got a fit of the giggles and couldnt go any further. Luckily Nat s friend and boyfriend came past and we all carried it. Think I ll get it delivered next year!

Anyway had works night out last night and had a great time!! Was bit worried with it being first one and they are all so young but we had a great time. Spent most of the night dancing with the `young` ones. The older ones wouldnt get up!!! As Kylie sings `whats the point of living if you dont  wanna dance!!!!` lol

Welcome to our new penguins and hugs for all the `old` penguins he he xx Hope this week isnt as tough as we expect. Keep busy and just keep swimming or in my case ski ing!!!

Helen xxxxx

Hi

I am adding my welcome to the new penguins and lots of hugs for all, it seems to be a tough time for many of us right now.  I have finished work on Friday at last so now two weeks off.  I went to a friends for dinner last night, we exchanged gifts and I have bought a gift for another friend and that is all I am doing.  My SIl doesn't understand why I can't go to the family dinner and why I can't buy gifts for her grandchildren but it all doesn't matter.  I will go and visit with whoever wants to come and see me at MIL's and also go see my elderly aunt and hopefully cousins from New York State.   I am thinking of leaving on Tuesday as my house is not going to get any cleaner if I just sit here for an extra day and I could help MIL a bit more with groceries and errands. 

I did have a meltdown at work on Friday.  They did a staff pot luck breakfast in the library, I chose not to participate but was dragged from my desk by well meaning coworkers.  It was all so over the top decorated, I could not stay in that room and had to get out immediately.  I didn't expect that, I did know it would bother me but not so much.  Anyway, I sat in the staff room with my breakfast and the teacher who had brought me in came and sat and talked with me as I ate, he is very considerate and I think felt bad that I was upset.    Never know when it will hit us do we?

Today is a relax, pick up and putter around day, maybe take the dog for a nice walk later.  We do have snow but not like you guys do.  It is very cold here, I know Montreal has a large pile of snow and parking is difficult so not looking forward to that part of the trip.  Tomorrow I am going out to do some errands, have the dog walker coming in to give me a break for one day this week.    I will be glad when these two weeks are over.

Sending huge hugs to all of you.

Bren

Bren - Are we meeting in Kingston on Wednesday for Brunch??? Looking forward to seeing you - whenever is best for you!!! Big Hugs, Maureen xoxoxo