My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hi all, I just want to let you know that my dad has been given the 'all clear' from his gastroscopy and CT scan. Such a relief. I was dreading yet another Christmas of 'bad news'. Thanks you all fro being there for me to rant to.

It is very quiet on here lately. I hope you are all doing relatively ok.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

hi guys

i am glad your dad has the all clear Patricia, it must be a huge weight off your mind.

Fiona I am glad that you found the strenght to get through yesterday with some positive thoughts and memories.

I have had a busy few days, I had my sister down for the weekend, we didn't do anything i particular but it is always nice to have company. Then yesterday I joined a gym! I thought if my GP won't let me go back to work I need something to do and i want to prove to the GP i am making progress and I AM NOT DEPRESSED! i am grieving its different. today I went swimming there. OK I didn't actually work hard at it but thats not really the point. I went to my friends new house for tea this evening, and guess what she also agrees with me, i am not depressed and going back to work would be good for me if done slowly and carefully. And she is a palliative care consultant!

I hope you are all coping with this difficult time of year, keep swimming and drinking the baileys.

Becky

Hi everyone

Firstly Patricia I am so glad to hear the news of your dad, such a relief for you - now hopefully you can concentrate on the baby arriving which i know will bring some well deserved joy to you. 

Dottee - I  am so sorry, I haven't been online for quite a few days for more than a minute or two so didn't know about your father.  (((( ))))

Well where have I been?  I am not sure really!!  Nowhere but don't seem to have any time .....well that probably isn't true but it is what it feels like!  I am not sure if it is down the frantic few months re getting the house done or if it is working full time that is kicking in, but whatever it is, I am finding my days completely full from the second I wake up until I am in bed.  Which in itself is such a turnaround for me.  I am not complaining because it is much better than the hard empty hours I used to have in abundance ...... but it is quite weird!  I have not even thought about Christmas shopping yet and someone told me today that it is, in fact, quite soon ..... who knew!

And with regards to that, Pammie, whilst I understand what you are saying about 'putting on a brave face' re decorations ...... but why should you?  I know the first christmas I did put out a few christmasy ornaments, but that was it - and like you I did it for others.  But I really didn't feel comfortable having them around, so if you don't want to .... then don't!  Unless of course the 'explaining' is actually harder than the doing it. 

Munchkin - you ok?  Hope so hun.

Fiona, I was thinking of you yesterday, you are such a sweetheart texting - I have a new phone and HATE it - I am told I should keep with it .... but my 80s brick worked fine - and I knew what I was doing ... well almost!  Helen your photo pressies sound lovely, and tears are perfectly acceptable, in fact a requirement. 

Rosemary, I see that you got your tree up and decorated in just three days lol!  Well done hun.  How is Sam, her comments on FB are hilarious!  And Daniel?

Ailsa, don't get your grill fixed then everyone will have to feed you!   Sorry to hear about the stupid van man ... the world needs more women drivers if you ask me.

Well that is me off to walk the dos, night night all, I will try and be a more regular correspondent, once I have done my Christmas shopping and writeen my cards!!

Love Judes xx

Becky, good for you.( I have not motivated myself enough to get back in the pool yet. I really should as I enoy swimming and it is a good form of exercise). Well done. Anyway, good luck in your quest to keep occupied. Your friend sounds like a very lovely, supportive, sensitive and sensible person. Someone it is good to have around. Take care of yourself.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Ooh Judi, our posts must have crossed in cyber space. Take care of yourself. Glad to hear you are keeping busy but hope you are not overdoing things.

Love to you and the dogs.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Patricia so happy for you on the news of your Dad.

Keep swimming, hugs.

K

Hi all you lovely penguins, I thought you had all gone to the North Pole lately, it has been very quiet here.  But, no, you are always here just waiting to help xx.

Patricia I am so glad your dad had the all clear.  You need a bit of good news, and so do we xx  And you rant as much as you want, if I can then so can you xx.

Becky I think that was a good idea you joining the gym.  It is something I am thinking about.  They say exercise is good for the soul and boy do I need things that are good for the soul!  And I laughed when you said you went swimming.  We say keep swimming and you ACTUALLY did xx

Dottee, I hope things are going as well as they can be for you.xx

Judes, glad you are keeping busy.  I am wondering about perhaps going back to work again.  Have not worked for a couple of years so don't know what I would do.  Perhaps some voluntary work if I can't find anything I want to do.  But will think about that after Christmas.  I have not put many deccies up.  The Christmas tree, which is new, Martin always said we would get a new tree this year so that is for him and I have decorated the Christmas Tree in the garden because that was his tree that was given as a present  a few years ago and he loved to decorate it.  So there it is blinking away in the evening, hope he can see it.  Apart from that only a couple of ornaments, can''t do any more this year.

Well, I have been busy too.  Went Christmas shopping on Monday, got it all done in one day.  Went with my daughter and told her if I did not get it done that day it would not get done.  Wrote out my Christmas cards yesterday, that was hard, had to put notes in cards to people who did not know about Martin.  However many people you let know there are always some you have forgotten.  And getting the Mr & Mrs cards in is Oh so hard.  Will post them off today and then that will be all the Christmas things done for this week.  I am having bad days and not so bad days, the good days have long gone when I lost Martin.  But the not so bad days have taken them over.  Yesterday was a not so bad day, so that was why I did the cards.  Could not have done them on a bad day.  You all tell me it will get easier, but it is so hard waiting for that time to come.  I suppose it will creep up on me slowly.  Not waking up one day and all is better, but in slow baby steps.  I just find it so hard with all the feelings that are coming and going and of course I am missing Martin so much, but then hey thats nothing new and why should I be any different, I know you all miss your partners.

Well, I will now start my day. Don't know what it will bring, don't suppose I really care much.  But will be going round my daughers for tea, so that should be OK.

Hope you all have as good a day as you can

Love and ((((((((((((hygs)))))))))))))))))

Pam xx

Pam my dear you are right, baby steps is the only way and yes it doesn't just happen that it's better it is just a little bit here and there and when you look back to a month ago or a few weeks ago you realise that actually you are coping better than then with the day to day living.  Well done for all the bits you have done Martin would be pleased that you have managed to sort most of it by now and yes he will be enjoying the tree with you.  In fact Steve is probably rolling round laughing about the antics I've had with mine - he always grumbled about Christmas, although he loved it as a family thing and used to do amazing Christmas lights when the kids were younger - people used to specially drive down our road to see his display.  This year I asked Daniel to get me a real tree and a big one as I was going to put it in the kitchen (to avoid certain dogs charging into it in the lounge) and thought it would make it a bit more festive whilst doing the lunch etc, so he got me this HUGE thing, beautiful shape and probably about 8 - 81/2 feet tall...... ummm too tall for my kitchen.  Soooo he left it there on the Saturday and said he would be back next day to help me sort it.  Yeah right, he works at the club Saturday night so I didn't see him again, text him at midday he eventually called at 2p.m and said he couldn't get there til later, so I was already sawing the bottom off the tree (had pruned the top as well) with.... a hack saw.  It was all I could find.  Now this tree is only about 4 inches in diameter but my goodness... it took 2 1/2 hours, one broken blade, a lot of swearing and tears and I got the thing done.  Managed to get it into the stand, filled it with water and then..... an hour later Daniel turned up!  So tree looked nice, very large but there was room in the corner and then the following Sunday my little sis came to help decorate it (she loves doing them and I thought she would enjoy organising me), we had the lights on and they worked, then we tinseled it and then I was up the ladder starting to put up the baubles when I noticed it was leaning, oh no! it was moving!!!!!  Abandon the decorations, grab the tree, get down the ladder, don't panic!  (Would you like the short version here?)  The tree was too tall for the stand and we could NOT get it to stay firm, soooooo we dragged it out through the french doors, carried around the house, stuck it in the old tree stand and have left it in front of the patio doors and might put some lights on it too.

Part Two.  So this week we set off to buy an artificial tree.  Short version of this section is, we bought one, brought it home and opened the box only to find.... no stand.  Phoned Homebase, lovely man, very apologetic, returned to Homebase and retrieved stand from display model, returned home set up tree....... too tall for the kitchen!   Aaaaaaggggghhhhhhhh!  (No I hadn't measured the height of the room)  So back to the drawing board and we decide it's going in the lounge but not where the dogs can run into it, but the treadmill is there (don't ask) and it's too wide to get throught the door into the study.  Do we give up?  Ohhhh no, fold it up, get it on it's side and with some manouvering (you'd have been proud of us) we got it into the study leaving a space for the tree, which just fits to the ceiling.   (BTW Ailsa would you like the treadmill still, no offense if you don't and no problem if you do, it's all folded and waiting in the study for whenever you can get it.  If not I will find it another home in the New Year)  So whilst I then made lasagne (it was 6 o'clock by this time) Maxine started putting on the lights and by just after 8 o'clock we had eaten AND decorated the tree in gold and purple (I told you she likes to organise, it is perfectly decorated and VERY tasteful of course).  Steve has a beautiful Christmas light beside his photo instead of his usual flowers and there are jingle bells in the window.  Not only was I worn out but now I have probably exhausted you all  - but hopefully given you a laugh too.  If it wasn't for Samantha and the fact that they are coming here for Christmas dinner I probably wouldn't have bothered too much, but it's the family that keep us going so they will be happy that I appear to be getting back into the spirit of Christmas, meantime I intend to hold tight and remember the lovely, family Christmases that we have enjoyed, I will try not to think about Christmas 2008 and 2009 was a different one anyway, but special as it was just Sam, Dan and I with the dogs and I was just getting closer to all you penguins.

I've just realised how much I have written and not replied to anyone properly.  I shall send this now, go and get a cup of tea and get back to you all later.  Sorry for the incredible ramble xxxxxxxxx

Wow Rosemary, I am worn out just reading about your exploits. It has taken me all my time just to display a Christmas angel at the moment.  I am not looking forward to putting up the tree but I will do it out of duty.  Anyway, so glad you got sorted. Oh yeah, think of all the energy you used in the process.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x