My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Ailsa, what a shock xxx Glad you are both ok and you get your mirror sorted soon.

Patricia big hugs to you and hope the results arent as bad as you think. Lovely news of the baby being due so soon!!!

Fiona will be thinking of you tomorrow also xxx

Ailsa I too thought I would float through this Christmas but have been quite tearful on and off this week thinking about it. Think part of it is due to the fact last year I had my brother and family staying so this is the first year on my own so to speak. Keep panicking about Christmas eve for some reason!! I m working in the morning but no set plans after then for the rest of the day, need to make some!

I ve just been making a photo book on line for my in laws, mix of old and new photos of us all and Paul. I have also made 2 mini ones for Liam and Nat to go in their stocking, a selection of photos with Paul over the years. Hope they dont cause too many tears xx

Hope everyone s weekend is going ok, big hugs to everyone

Helen xxxx

Ailsa, that was not good.  And I know how you feel, it is bad enough when these things happen but when you have not got your partner there to help with the distress and upheval it all seems so rotten.  I hope that you can get your van fixed quickly and then perhaps you wont feel so bad.  Great big ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) to you.

 Patricia I think everyone is feeling down this year.  Me because it is all so new and everyone else down the line seems to be feeling it too.  I do not know if it is because of the extreme weather we are having or if it is just because Christmas is nearly here.  It should be a time for happiness and laughter which makes it worse. I keep looking across the road at a dear friend who lost her husband 3 years ago and she has gone to town with lots of lights and decorations and all I can do is to shut the blinds when her lights go on and act really bah humbug.  She knows I don't really mean it but it is so new for me and I just want January to come.  Don't want to do Christmas this year.  I know that will probably change when my daughter and family come round this afternoon.  I think they are hell bent on putting up the deccies and getting me more 'in the festive mood'.  So I will go with the flow and pretend I am going along with it for their sake.  I cannot put this darkness on them can I.  When you are widowed you go into a grand world of 'putting on a face' for all.

Anyway I thought I would cheer myself up and see about the journey to Liverpool in Feb.  Looks like I will be travelling from Norfolk by car - weather permitting.  The train will cost £137 with three changes along the way, I am not too fussed about the price but THREE changes!!!! the plane fare is £484 and the National Express coach will take 10 hours.  So I will do what I was thinking at the start and drive down.  Really want to get there to meet all you lovely penguins who are able to go.

I was also talked into booking next years holiday with some good friends who we always went with.  I am hoping that in a years time I might be in a better frame of mind and look forward to it.  But it is going to cost me half as much again as the holiday cost as I am having to travel as a single passenger.  Gosh the widow thing really sucks.  They get you any way they can dont they.

Anyway, enough of the moaning.  At least I have all you lovely penguins and that makes everything OK.  You have been there for me in my dark times and my 'moaning' times.  So I wish you as good a Sunday as you can have and lots of big penguin (((((((hugs)))))))))))) to you all.  I know it is a bit cold for swimming but Rosemary said we can all get in her boat.  See you all there with a large glass of Balies.

Love

Pam x

Fiona, sorry hun, forgot to say, big (((((((hugs))))))))))) for tomorrow.  will be thinking of you.  God bless

Love

Pam xx

Hi everyone

Sending lots of hugs for you all, Fiona for tomorrow, Patricia because you need one and Ailsa  too especially.  Isn't it a pain when we have to sort out cars and household things all alone.  I don't think I will ever get used to it.  I am also feeling the depression now.  Last year I think I was numb but now it is not a happy time for me and it is hard to be at school with all the little ones so excited about Santa.  One more week and I am off.  I do want the two weeks off work but next week will be so crazy and hard to get through.

We finally got a bit of snow, not too bad at the moment but we are expecting a huge amount and a bad storm so I have to get my snow removal sorted now for sure.  My handy man has moved and is not so handy now but there is a young couple who have just moved across the road and I just heard he is out of work so he may want to pick up a little money by helping me out.  I can do it when it is on a weekend but I am not up to clearing myself out after the plow goes down the road after a day at work.   I also have some wonderful neighbours but don't want to keep depending on them.

Dog walker is sorted and my young girl has also come back so now Max gets two walks a day and is costing me a fortune!  For now I will keep them both and see how it goes.  I have been to the chiro several times last week and he wants me to go 3 times a week for a while.  I do have no pain right now so hope he can get the knees better.  For now I will take the two days to drive to MIL's the week before Christmas and return about a week later.  It is nice to have the time to go when the weather is good.

I lost a friend last week, just found out yesterday.  She was BIL's on and off girlfriend, had cancer before Dan and she was a good friend to Dan when he found out he had cancer.  They were phone buddies and he found a lot of comfort talking to her.  I knew during the summer when I spoke to her that it was getting bad but she pushed everyone away toward the end and wanted to be alone with her mom and her children.  We have all lost a good friend. 

Patricia, I am very much into that apathy that you talk about.  I don't really care much about anything, another friend from my group had said that everything seems so unimportant.  I really need to push myself out of it and get this house cleaned a bit but I do find I spend a lot of time just sitting. I will be glad to see January come also and expect this to lift a little by then.

I am going to see John Edward again in May!  My friend has bought tickets for when he comes to Toronto and it is on a Saturday so no problems with work.  Two of her sisters will go with us so if I can find someone to take the dog for the night, we can go the night before and stay at a hotel, make a real event.

hope you all are coping as well as you can

love

Bren

I too am going to see John Edward next year, in our capital Cardiff.

((((Big big hugs too all))))

K

Fiona, this is for you to let you know I am thinking about you today x x x x (((((hugs)))))

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Hi Fiona Just to say that I am thinking of you and the family, Sending lot of love and hugs

Teri xx

thinking of you fiona. love and hugs.

be kind to yourself especially today

becky

Fiona, hope it's been a good day, lots of love and a great big hug xxxxxxx

I would like to thank all you lovely penguins for your messages today, well I have survived the day with the help of my lovely daughter Kim and my grandson Charlie we tried to remember all the good times we had together. We went out for lunch and I had tea at Kim's with Darren as he was working today. I am off to bed now. Thanks again. Fiona x x x