My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hello everyone,

Oh Pam I wish I could come and give you a big cuddle and make it alright (and bring some milk with me :).  The terrible lonliness at this time of year is the worst ever.  I really struggled last Christmas and I was at the 6 month mark and to be honest starting to go that way again this year.  I really hate Christmas and can't even bare watching the TV at the moment as I am sick of all the happy pretend families.  Becky, I do agree with you about anti depressants.  I know they have helped some people but personally I too feel that you are grieving not depressed and they just mask it.  You would then have to come off then and deal with all the grief that you hadn't dealt with at the time.  Good for you for thinking of joining a gym.  A purpose is definitely a help - I know Helen turned into a gym bunny last year and it helped her as I am sure she will agree.  Ailsa, I hope you get your window soon but glad you are not too upset about it.  Rosemary, I am so sorry to hear about FIL brother.  I really hope you are trying to look after yourself.  Patricia, Ailsa is right - the wedding anniversary is such a personal one.  Look after yourself.

Well I am sinking too lol.  This weather is driving me mad.  We haven't had it bad here but I can't travel to work as its 1.5hrs away and through the worst of the weather so I have been in the house 2 weeks now.  My date was cancelled and I couldn't go to the hospice this week either so there have been a lot of tears.  I'm just feeling incredibly lonely again and its probably just because I am stuck in the house so can't go at my usual million miles an hour.  Insomnia has also kicked in which isn't helping.  My friend is great and we have been having lunch together most days as she is snowed in too but its not the same is it.  My on off boyfriend is away offshore today so I won't see him either.  He was over yesterday and I told him about my date (he is always nagging me to meet someone nice who can offer me more than he can) and he was fine about it but I ended up getting very upset.  It was good he was here though as we then started talking about the boys and Wully too and he suggested that I go to the beach this week where I scattered the ashes since I never got to the hospice so I think I will try and do that tomorrow as the roads about here are just about clear.  I will need to do something!  I am going out tomorrow night so that should help.

Anyway, better get on with some work.

Take care and big hugs to all my lovely penguins.

Gayle xxxxx

Fiona, big ((((((hugs))))))) for you for the anniversary date. I hope you manage to get through it ok.

Pam, I used to get through the days second by second as I could not think any further forwaqrd than that. i spent way too much time alone ( and still do). Eventually, the time span increased and I can now get tyhrough my days without faling apart totally. Keep hope and faith Pam and eventually you will realise that you have not actually cried for most of the day. You will still miss him terribly of course but that is to be expected. ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

Gayle, for someone to tell you to 'look' for a new relationship is in my opinion madness. I personally think that relationships and love find us when we least expect it (so long as we are open for that opportunity). This 'second year' is very difficult in a different way to the first. Keep smiling (you have a beautiful smile). Love and  ((((((hugs)))))) to you and the boys.

Becky, your GP seems very sympathetic to yourt plight but a little too eager to prescribe antidepressants. As Ailsa said, the fact that you are thinking ahead and making a few tentative plans, to me indicates that you are not clinically depressed.  Of course you will be 'flat'. You have had a life changing experience. I hope your meeting with occ health goes well.  This is just a suggestion but have you thought of just going into work to shadow someone else for a short spell to see how you feel? Before I went back to work, I made several visits so that I had seen most of my colleagues before I actiually returned. Good luck whatever you decide. ((((((((hugs))))))))

Ailsa, I am glad you are feeling a little better this past few days. How lovely it will be when the window is finally in place. We really must make a date to meet.

Rosemary, I hope that you are managing to deal with the new family traumas you are being faced with. How much more can you be expected to deal with I wonder.

Dottee, I know things arte difficult for you right now and am sendinbg you much love and support.

To everyone who posts here whether I have mentioned you or not, I send lots of love and angel hugs x x x Patrica x x x

Hi all you lovely penguins, I just wanted to thank you for your words of comfort today.  I was falling apart this morning with no end in sight and you have sent me your warmth in your messages even though you are probably feeling this time of year as well.  I would not say that I am happy this evening, but I do feel stronger to go on now.  It is so good that at times when I am in that dark place your kind words seem to give me the lifeline to pull myself up.  I am not swimming at the moment, but I am treading water, ready for the strength to come and then I will swim again. 

I have just poured myself out a large drinkies and have wrapped myself up in the duvet and will watch tele until bed time.  It tends to numb the mind I find. 

So I wish you all as good as an evening as you can have and send you all lots and lots of ((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))).  This is not a good time of year and I know you are all feeling it too.  Join me in the Bailies and if you are teetotal then break out the hot chocolate.

Pammie xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Pam sending you big hugs xxxx This time last year all us penguins were dreading `the big day` We helped each other through the holiday period so much and sure we all will again. It is such a rollercoaster but parts of the ride do get to be more fun again!! Still the odd dip but more manageable xxx

Becky..yes I hit the gym big style last year!! I hated coming in from work so would go straight to the gym, if I felt low at the weekends a good workout made me feel so much better! My instructor actually said the natural endorphins are the best anti depressant and they certainly worked!! Ashamed to see not been for weeks and put half a stone back on!! Need to get back x

Gayle hope the weather improves for you. G feels very on/off at the moment as he works nights with not much time off and he was supposed to be coming round tonight and has been sick! How inconsiderate lol!! So bit fed up but hey s**t happens, supposed I m used to it xx

Fiona will be thinking of you on Monday xxxx Cant believe the baby is 1 already!!!

Oh well,. the highlight of my night now is `Live Coronation St` Wooh!!!  Might even have a bath too!!!

So just keep swimming penguins!! Not easy at this time of year so Pam I `ll allow treading water!!! lol xxx

Keep warm, big hugs

Helen xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

well penguins, i made a new step today, i turned the radio on in the car! I haven't done that since.......... always frightened of what i might hear. I put radio 1 on so largely it was music i had never herd before and didn't like but i did it. It was mainly to get the trafic reports as I sat in stationary trafic on the M1, but still i wouldn't have done that a little while ago. I was comming back from Hull where I had driven up the night before for a family gathering, as my cousin is visiting for the week from the states and I hadn't seen her in 5 years. I am glad I went, OK so I wasn't full of festive cheer and was quite quiet in the corner but I went. The hous of my other cousin where we met is a typical family home at christmas, big tree, lots of lights and decorations, I would rather they wern't there but because they ment something more to them then me it was ok. Different if they are your own decorations with all the memories they bring I think. I will admit I have not gone there at all yet at home, haven't decided if I will get out a few small orniments, but definately no tree, not least because the artificial one broke last year so we chucked it out and said we would buy a new onw this year... little did we know. so many things we take for granted.

Whilst up in Hull I took the opertunity to visit the cemetry, still covered in a foot of snow, untouched in most places by people. I had intended in going to tidy up the flowers that we had left the last time I went, i thought snow or no snow they would need removing and binning. as I walked across the field towards his tree there were rabbits disappearing down their burrows behind the tree. and as i got closer it became that there were no flowers left to remove! we had carefully put a wire fence around the base of the tree to prevent the rabbits eating the flowers, but with so much snow they could now jump over it! and had eaten all the flowers, made me smile. I just wish it looked a little less like a rabbit toilet on the snow. Oh well as I have said befor mark loved animals and the flowers had served their purpose for us and now fed the rabbits when there would be little else for them to eat, so ok works out ok all round. I tried to remove the stems they had left burried in the snow but they were all frozen into the vases. It will have to wait for the thaw. so much snow there and none left here when I got back this evening. Anyway thought it might make a few of you smile with me, 'pesky little wrabbits' (elma fudd style).

 Pam big hugs, comming back from company for so many days must be making you feel soo low. I am similar when I have had company for a while and then they are gone, whorse if you are away and come home to a cold quiet house. the duvet treatment is good for a day or two and then its time to get swimming again.

Helen its good to hear the whole exercise being good for you mood is true. However I am so unfit and a bit overweight that it is likely to be hard work for a while, but if the GP won't let me go back to work for over a month I need something.

thinking of you Fiona

Gayle, if you normally go at a million miles an hour having your wings clipped must be so frustrated. I am much more of  a plodder and even I am feeling stir crazy now with nothing to do, different reasons for having nothing to do but i understand why it is bringing you down.

Well I am at occupational health in the morning so I had better find the letter with the appointment on it because I can't remember the time, oops.

Keep swimming and big HUGS

becky

Just a quick one to let you all know Dot lost her dad this morning - read this on another thread - so we may not hear from her for a while but please send all your love, thoughts, prayers and strength to our dear friend.  Love to all of you too, take care and stay safe xxxxxx

Dear dear Dot I am so sorry for your loss.

Sending you much strength and love. Just letting you know your in my thoughts and prayers.

Kay

xxx

Dear Dot, just sending you a BIG HUG and to let you know I am thinking about you and your family. X x

Thank you girls for your kind thoughts - and especially you Rosemary for letting everyone here know........

'Not waving but drowning'..........the title of a poem by Stevie Smith......It exactly describes how I feel right now.  You will realise when you read this that I have been awake for a while this morning.  I fell into bed about 8.30 last night having had no proper rest in over 24 hours....I woke at about 2.30 this morning and could not sleep for thoughts of my Dad.........I have cried yet more buckets of tears and feel so overwhelmed by grief in these 'wee small hours'...............The first step on a long road to acceptance and a different direction in my life.........

Love and ((((hugs)))) to you all - you all need them just as much as I do.........

Dot xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Just a quick one to send hugs to Dottee ((((hugs)))) and to all the other penguins who are having a tough time (((hugs))) i was going to post some other things now but it doesn;t seem appropriate as so many are struggleing at the moment ..

Take care my lovely penguins

 Lynne xxxxxx