My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Patricia I wanted to send you lots of ((((((hugs)))))).  Wedding anniversaries are the most personal of all the anniversaries we each have to deal with.  Please don't feel selfish.  You have said just recently that this is what this site is here for.  It is the only place I feel I can still say exactly how I am feeling.  As you feel so bad this evening I am glad there is this place you can tell us.  At least then I get to send you lots of love and hope it helps a little bit.  My anniversary is in the summer so I have had 2 since Chris died.  That means I already know that friends and family remember the first one but far fewer of them remember the next one.  That is what your friends on here are here for - to know how you might be feeling and tell you we are here and thinking about you.

K you mustn't feel selfish about saying how you feel here either.  I know that yearning only too well.  I have been feeling it especially badly this past week or so.  Like Patricia I would say that times like this do eventually spread out a bit so that we notice we have a few better days in between.  We are always here if you need us so take care.

Gayle I'm glad you are enjoying your new home now.  It sounds like a lovely setting, being so close to shops and other places to go.  I can't believe you have been able to do your garden.  I can't even see mine!  It sounds like the boys had a lovely time at the panto.  They will always be your vulnerability even when they are grown up but you have such a challenge bringing them up on your own.  I don't want to upset you by saying that out loud but I want you to know I understand the difference between you and your very little ones and me & my much bigger ones.  You do a wonderful job and I love reading about your great times with them.  I am not a bit surprised that you get messages saying what a credit they are to you.  I know you are at the hospice tonight so I hope you are okay.

Becky I have to echo what has already been said about you making plans for going back to work.  Watch out for being more tired than you expected and be ready for coming home at first because that was hard for me.  You will do it though and the routine, distraction & purpose will help.

Well I need to get on with a mountain of ironing.  There is still far too much snow outside.  I hope more of it clears this weekend.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

Big hug to all, its going to be a very long road I suspect.

Special one for Patricia I to share this date as being another difficult hurdle also, as its my daughters birthday her first without her very much loved Dad.

Feel so so sad........

Kxx

Evening all, sending lots of hugs to everyone and specially you Patricia, you are not selfish you daft penguin you are always thinking of others even when we know you are very low yourself and won't let on, let us wrap you in a big pengiun huddle and keep you warm and safe with your memories. 

Ailsa I hope that snow gets shifting so Linda can get "oop north" with your window - and take her mum Christmas shopping apparently.  Thanks for your text earlier, it was much appreciated and just right timing too as I was flying around doing the dogs, getting into town and then over to father in law sit whilst Heather (sis in law) took mil for results of yesterdays scan - good news the bone scan is clear!  Now they are going to do a needle biopsy on the liver (tomorrow) to try and ascertain where the lesion there originates from if it's not primary and then they can start treating that and the bladder with chemo.  Apparently they can tailor it for her age etc in order to cause her the least ill effect whilst hopefully holding it all at bay and giving her a bit of time yet, she is being amazing and so strong bless her, trying to keep it all from himself so he doesn't worry too much.  His brother died yesterday morning so we will have to sort out arrangements for family representation at the funeral probably next week, on top of all the hospital visits etc, I just hope they don't try and take father in law, it has been mentioned but would be very silly as he is in no state to manage an enjoyable outing never mind one so sad and emotional in the freezing cold. 

Off to bed now, or in a minute anyway, so will think of you all and send lots of love, take care and stay warm and safe with all this weather about (anyone heard how Judi is?)  Hot chocolate should be ready in about 15 minutes! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Morning all

Sorry I've not been around recently but have lots going on with my Dad in hospital - and as I have not read the last few pages I will just leave lots of ((((((hugs)))))) for you all.....

Love and more (((hugs)))

Dot xxxxx

Hi all

how are you all doing?

HUGS to you patricia it must be so hard. I have never had a wedding anniversary, with or without my hubby, so that will be interesting, but some months to go.

Rosemary what a difficult time you are having with your in-laws, you sound so close to them and I hope you are taking care of yourself. Right now I guess it is the automatic caring practical side getting you through but be careful its got to be so hard.

Ailsa, will this window ever get to you.

Kay as people keep telling me 'early days', some things get worse some get easier with time for me so far.For me at least the constant chest ache has lessened and at times I will admit i don't notice it, the inability to face food without nausea went some months ago, the crying is shorter but by no means gone. but the loss and emptiness seems to get worse. I am coping better and I am carrying on because thats what my hubby and I am sure would want. Give it more time and i am told it will overall keep going that way.

Gayle good on you for doing the garden.

well I have been to the GP this am for my monthly check and discussion about my sick note. It was an early appointment which I think was a mistake. I went in and told him that although I was up and down that I felt I was going in the right direction and that I was going to see occupational health on friday to talk about going back to work in january. I explained that I felt that I now need some structure in my life and that although I appreciate it would be hard and i hoped to return on a graduated basis. He turned to me and said that I still appeared very flat, and that he didn't feel that I was ready to return to work. He wanted me to strongly consider taking an antidepressant. I will say that I am actually quite disappointed and a little annoyed with that. I had explained i did not think that I am depressed, I am grieving, different and pills I do not feel will help. I had made that clear to him the last time i saw him. I also feel that I am makeing progress in finding some sort of purpose and new life. I don't want drugs that will give me an artificial feeling of well being. He has given me depression scoring sheets to fill in and has given me a sick note that will last till the end of january. Puts a bit of a spaner in the works. I got a bit the feeling that he is scared of being criticised if he said I could go back to work and anything went wrong. bit frustrated really. I will see what occupational health have to say.

I still feel i need to concentrate on something, so i have enquired about a gym, i am hoping to run a 10km in may for macmillan, so if I need to have something to do well i figured i could start training, and it is far too cold out. It would also give me something to get out for.

anyway,  i have waffled long enough. Hope you are all swimming strongly in these frosty waters, if not then hop out on the side and have a hot chocolate and a baileys to keep going.

becky

Evening everyone.  Rosemary I am so sorry to hear that your FILs brother has died.  It will be so difficult for you while the funeral is sorted out and everyone concerned tries to figure out what you do about your FIL and attending the funeral.  I am sure you are right about it being far too difficult for him to go but no doubt everyone concerned will have to satisfy themselves that there is no way it can be done before they give in.  Sending you lots of ((((((hugs)))))) to help you get through.  I spoke to Linda on the phone the other day and the next attempt to bring the window here is around the 20th or the 21st December.  I am really not concerned about it as I know it is coming sooner or later and it will be so special when it arrives so I really don't want Linda to worry about it.  It is a shame the snow is delaying her mum's shopping trip though.

Dot I think you must need some ((((((hugs)))))) right now as well with your Dad not being at all well.  Take care.

Becky what a disappointment from your GP.  I don't know what to say as I know lots of people have benefitted from taking anti-depressants but I avoided them vigorously.  I would have thought that the very fact that you are making plans for the future like the 10k run for Macmillan are the best sign that you are not depressed but are definiately grieving and trying to find your way through the grief.  Of course you sound flat - I still do frequently, 19 month on.  I am sure you will know for yourself what is best so just look after yourself and do what you think is right.

Patricia, K and everyone else I hope you are all okay this evening.  It is still so cold that it is hard to get motivated once I get in the house in the evening.  I don't seem to be feeling quite so down myself today - I seemed to have a bit more purpose at work today, so hopefully that is a good sign.  On that note I will get off and get something done.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

Evening All, sending big hugs to Rosemary and Patricia and anyone else who is feeling down. Weather terrible here as well but we are lucky compared to some places still need my welly's though. Feeling very up and down as 2nd anni for me on Mon so back to saying this time two years ago and don't think it is any easier to be honest as it was this time last year. I have taken the day off work and so has Kim so we will just spend it together and hopefully remember some of the good memories. I have named a star in Derek's memory this year for second anni. Gayle glad you and boys are getting settled in your new house. The boys will be getting excited about Xmas, and I am sure they will get you through Xmas. I am getting my shopping done but hard to get excited about it all without Derek. Well I better get off to bed as got Charlie tomorrow and he keeps me on my toes now he is into everything and I mean everything but love ever minute of it. Thinking of all the new penguins who are just starting off in this nightmare, and sending you big hugs. Fiona xxxxx

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Well got back from Wales yesterday afternoon.  Had a nice few days away although it all felt so strange.  Did not mind the journey though, thought I would be upset and lonely as I had never done it since......................you know.  But as long as I listened to the talking stations and not the music ones I was OK.;  Do not find I can listen to music at the moment, brings back too many memories.

Anyway, got in to a cold empty house.  No one had thought of dropping me off some milk or anything, even though I had texted a friend when I went away to tell here to take anything she wanted out of the fridge (including milk) because I forgot to empty it.  Am I being silly but should she not have realised there would be no milk.  But then I should have stopped on the way home I suppose.  I had never felt so lonely since I lost Martin.... when I got home lots of Christmas Lights were up in neighbours houses, I had Christmas cards on the doormat, one from someone who does not yet know.  That Mr & Mrs broke my heart.

Went to see my daughter and family in the evening, they were talking about all the normal things and my grandaughter was pointing out all their decorations.  I had to sit there and smile when I really wanted to should 'Look at me I am still grieving and l feel so much in pain'.  But I could not do that to them.  After all I know they still feel it but they are getting on with their lives.  I don't want to get on with this life.  I want my old life back.............

I am sorry to be so negative and I know this is a roller coaster ride, and I know that another day I will probably feel a bit better.  But today, now, this minute I cannot see a way forward.  Must remember ......one day at a time..... if you can't do this, one hour at a time............ But it is so hard.  I am even shouting at Martin and that is unforgivable.  He did not want to leave me.

Please keep tellling me it does get better as that is what I am holding on to.  I am sorry to put this all on you as I know you are all going through your own gremlins, what with Christmas and aniversaries all lining up.

So I am going round to see a good friend this afternoon who had walked in my shoes and is further down the line than me and has a habbit of cheering me up. But then, I cannot put all this grief on her, I don't want to bring her down.

Oh is there no end to this darkness, is there no way out of this terrible place.......

I don't think I have the energy to swim at the moment, I just feel like drowning and feeling some sort of peace.

Oh I am so sorry for this......................................................

Oh, Pam.

It will get better , i promise you. Christmas, with all it entails, is a constant reminder that they are not with us, and the empty chair looms even larger than usual. 

But it will get better. They will always, always be sorely missed, but we become more accustomed to the empty space, to the empty house. I'm just coming up to my second Christmas without the love of my life. There have been hard times over the last few months, but the strength has come from somewhere to 'do something',  so I have. i am loving the voluntary work that I do with deaf/blind children, and the realisation that there are so many people and families who are so much worse off than i am has indeed given me a boost towards becoming less inward-looking. It's taken a while, but it has happened.

Throwing you a lifebelt until you feel able to restart the doggy-paddle.

Sue xx