My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Love, hugs and support to all who need it.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

hi penguins

I hope the snow is melting for everyone and everyone can see their cars again. Feel like a bit of a fraud as there was not much snow here and could heve got out if i wanted but didn't have anywhere to go! My dad got stuck here because of the weather in yorkshire but went home on saturday morning and i have been suffering since. I have found that i find it very hard to cope when i am on my own, especially if i have had company for alot of the time. I can't seem to pull myself together the last couple of days. I am a bit worried as because of this bad weather I may not have company again until after I have been home for christmas. Oh well, had o happen some time. I think I have got to a point where I need something to do, so as I am going to talk to work about planning my restart at work is probably about right. I think that not going back now until after the festive season is right, no point in putting pressure on before, when there are so many extra emotions anyway, but to go back in january. just in time for 6 months.

It is such a difficult time of year, big hugs go out to you all. It is just one day in the year. I just wish the media would stop forcing it down my throat. those with children it must be so bitter sweet.

take care and be kind to yourselves

becky

Dear Becky ((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))). I feel for you and wish I could help in some way (mother instinct I guess). As for your planned return to work, I think that is a wise decision (not that it is any of my business). I must just say to you be aware of the New Year. I found that harder than Christmas last year because I realised that it was the start of the very first year in which I had lived without Ray (literally as we were born in the same year).  It was a new year, a new decade, a new... life? mmm......

Anyway, just be aware and prepare yourself for the onslaught of emotions. Good luck with your return to work plan too.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Hello everyone,

Ive had a fairly quiet weekend.  I have done lots with the boys though which is good.  I got my artificial tree up on Friday and it was much less stressful and still looks lovely.  Plus I have decorated it differently (trying to be all proper lol without tinsel) which I think has helped in a strange way?  I am starting to like the house now too as it is in the middle of town.  Its great just going a walk to the shops with the boys although the local cafe is far too handy!  So today we walked to Asda and bought our own toastie machine :)  I even got my front garden done yesterday so was pleased although shattered after moving 10 bags of bark.  The boys went on a trip last night to a panto with the after school club.  I was worried about Ewan going as they weren't supposed to be back until 10.30 but in the end up it was 11.30 but they had a fantastic time and were good as gold.  The girl who runs the club sent me a message on FB earlier to say they were brilliant and were a credit to me which was very touching.  Felt a bit tearful when they were leaving as they looked so small and were going somewhere without family.  Just being silly but made me realise that they are my vulnerability.  I am a pretty strong person (well on the outside) and feel that I on my own can survive anything but they are my weakness I suppose.  Today we have lounged about, done housework etc and my sister came to visit.  She hadn't seen the new house as she was having IVF again when we moved and unfortunately it failed for the 2nd time so she has been quite down obviously.  Diet is going well although not sure I will lose 1/2 a stone before tomorrow night but I am trying my best!  I have also got the start of a cold but I am fighting it like mad as I am much too busy for it.

Ailsa, I am sorry you are struggling this week.  I know what you mean about nights out as Wully was like that too and always picked me up.  Even just coming home to an empty house is horrible.  Go easy on yourself though as sometimes I think we just have to give in to the downward spiral as long as it doesn't go too far.  I have been "ok" at the moment but no doubt will come back to earth on Tuesday after visiting the hospice.  Becky, I too think you are making the right decision about going back to work.  The only thing that keeps me going still is to keep very very busy.  If I slow down which isn't often then dark thoughts and lonliness creep in.  This time of year is horrible and its hard because my boys are so excited so I am trying my very best to put on a face for them.  Jamie has been in a funny mood for a couple of days so I am having to keep an eye on him.  He is getting a bit jealous when I cuddle Ewan and has had a few strops about it which is just silly as I pay them both the same amount of attention.  I'm sure its just his age rather than anything else.  Patricia, hope you are okay after your rememberance service.  Helen, hope you had a lovely weekend away.  Rosemary, your account of the medium was very touching.  I have had readings before and it did give me some comfort but I do understand that feeling of but you still aren't here.  Big hugs to you.

Well penguins I am going to call it a night as busy day tomorrow with work.  Take care everyone.

Gayle xxxx

Oh I dont know this road we are on is just plain miserable.

I have had the most horrendous weekend. The yearning too see, hold, and be held by my soul-mate as been immeasurable. I miss him more and more everyday. I just dont, or cant see how this gets any easier penguins. Because too me its getting harder and harder..... 

In a former life!!! I am a trained lifeguard, but swimming seems to becoming so hard, its like swimming in the sea, dont seem to be getting anywhere and completely draining

Kxx

Gayle, your children will forever be your 'vulnerability'. They will be your babies no matter how old they get. I feel very protective of my children (now all grown up) and of people of similar ages as you will possibly have realised. To my cost, I have a very strong maternal instinct and sometimes wish I could switch it off.

K, to me it does not get easier it just gets to a point where you manage to deal with it slightly better but then the waves of emotion overwhelm you from time to time when you least expect it. Unfortunately for me that is what is happening to me right now. I am drowning in an emotional tidal wave. I will, however, surface and I will survive because I have to and I owe it to Ray to do so. I do hope that you manage to keep afloat dear friend. We are all here for you. Keep posting and we will try to support you ion the best way we can.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Thank you Patricia, for taking the time when you feel very much as I do.

(((Big Hug)))

K

K, no thanks are needed, it is what this thread is all about. We support and cry with each other through the bad times and laugh with each other in the good. There will be good times for you it is just not right now. You will one day wake up and realise that you did not cry for the whole day yesterday and that you are looking forward to tomorrow. I am not saying it is an easy fix or that it means that the crying has stopped. Not at all. It just means that you are learning to accept your new and unwanted situation. I am in year two and it has been very hard this year. I really expected this one to be easier but on here we call in 'second year syndrome'. You have all the pain without the cushioning (albeit very slight) of numbness. Sorry, I seem to have started to waffle.

K, please accept this great big ((((((((hug))))))))) and I hope you manage somehow to have a better day.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Just to say this is my wedding anniversary and I am missing my man so, so much. I cannot believe that this is the second one I have had to spend on my own. I went into town shopping just to keep me occupied and I have done a great chunk of my Christmas shopping in Boots. Now I am home and I feel lonely and miserable and just a little bit selfish for feeling so sorry for myself.

Ah well, must pull myself together and get on with things.

I hope that all you dear people are managing to have a little joy in your lives even though you are missing your loved ones.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

I am not sure if I should wish you Happy Anniversary Patricia when I know  you are miserable.  I don;t often post even though I still read every day but you post has tugged at my heartstrings today, You are not selfish and you are allowed to feel sorry for yourself. No joy in this household either I feele like scrooge not putting up a christmas tree but I really cannot face it this year perhaps I will feel differently nrxt year.

Love and Hugs to all who need them

Love Teri