My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

I do feel for you ,I understand the pain of loss. It feels so desprate as if sometimes the pain will never ease. How wonderful for both of you that you were holding him in your arms,that is such a loving way for him to pass on.  He was a very lucky man having such a loving person by his side. Fell free to chat any time big hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

hello penguins

I hope your weekends are going as well as you would want them.

I am on the edge of the first big 'first', tomorrow is Marks 40th birthday.

I don't know how I feel, I am full of memories, this time last year we had absolutely no idea we would be here this year. We were enjoying a nice meal in a nice italian with friends and thinking how this year would be a big cellebration. The feelings of what should have been, we should have been cellebrating, throwing a huge party and maybe a weekend break for two.

I will admit i am a bit annoyed too, with his parents. They are planning to come to the cemetery thats all fine but they have just informed me that Marks previous partner will be taking them!! Excuse the rudeness but I tollerated her at the funeral because I thought his daughter needed her mother there, but that is not why she is going tomorrow. It had always been clear that his parents had a strange friendship with her and think nothing of it. The reason that this is a strange relationship is that it is this woman who denied Mark access to his daughter from the age of about 4 for no other reason then the selfish feeling that she had a new partner and a new family and Mark complicated that!! She moved his daughter to another city without leaving a forwarding address, only to be found out when he arrived with his daughters 4th birthday presents to be found they'ed gone! But his parents knew where but because she refused to let them have access if they let Mark know they went along with that!! and I am expected to play nice with her tomorrow!! I have already arranged to met his daughter and go for a meal tomorrow, I want to stay in touch with her, I just don't think I can tolerate her mother. I have not said anything of my feelings towards her mother to his daughter as I don't see how tht can help her now, Mark is gone, she loves her mother and grandparents but I just don't think I can cope with that tomorrow. I realise that I do not measure up as a daughter in law because I never provided his parents with a grandchild but talk about making that obvious. Sorry I am ranting but this particular subject was raw before Mark passed away but tomorrow is not a day that I think I can cope with it. I need to remember to behave like a proper human being and not someone off Jerry Springer.

Sending hugs to all those who are strugging this weekend, I'm going to drink a large Baileys tonight, and the little remains of Marks jamesons reserve whiskey tomorrow. There is plenty of Balieys to go arround.

Be kind to yourselves

Becky 

Oh Becky I'm speechless!  I can't believe how cruel, heartless and downright people can be and then try and con everyone into believing they have a valid reason for doing things.  Just know that Mark will still be at your side - your side not hers or even theirs - loving you and his daughter always and forever.  I've grabbed my Baileys and am joining you at this moment, hope you can get through tomorrow, maybe the anger will carry you along simmering under the surface.  Remember we are all here thinking of you and sending silent hugs both then and afterwards too in those wee small hours xxxxxxxx

Oh Becky thats terrible.  I was just popping on to check up on you all as I am running about like an idiot but I couldn't leave without comment.  To have to go through that with his parents on tomorrow of all days is truly awful and I can't possibly begin to understand why they would do that to you.  I know a few of us have had family issues and people can be very strange but what is wrong with some people I just don't know.  Like Rosemary says I hope your anger tides you over the difficult day.  I know when I am fuming over something I manage to keep the other emotions in check until I am safely on my own.  I can totally understand you wanting to keep links with his daughter who is obviously the innocent in all this.  I will be thinking of you tomorrow and just imagine all us penguins there with you holding your hand xxxx

Pam I am glad you managed okay at the race night.  I know what you are saying about your daughter and I get that too with some family members.  The only "positive" light that I can put on it is that a-I have you lot who do understand and that keeps me sane and b-I am "glad" that others don't understand as they then haven't been through the pain that I/we have been through and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.  I always say that Wully and I were the closest that two people could be to each other but the only reason that was because of what we went through and the discussions we had to have about live & death and to be honest I hope to never be so close to anyone ever again like that as it will mean I will have to go through what I have been through again - if that makes sense!!!  Well it does to me lol.  Patricia, lots and lots of hugs for you and you know well enough now that you can rant and moan and stamp your feet here as much as you like.  No brave faces on here - just honest feelings.  And without it sounding like a cliche we do all cope, live our lives after this in different ways.

Well I have had a bit of a disaster day but hopefully the end is in sight.  I had a great night last night at my quiz night and then came home and to cut a long story short my dad was down at the new house building a shed when the owner of the property arrived.  He phoned me and I went down and met her.  Well she is fuming with the agency and is sacking them tomorrow and told me to get my money back off them directly (a months rent and deposit so no small change).  I thought she was going to say I couldn't move in but we had a long talk and I am going to rent directly from her without the agency.  This is good as you all know the agency have been horrendous but it is all a bit stressful again.  She seems very nice and we have chatted lots and she is going to meet me on Tuesday with the keys.  She just sent me a nice email with all her details and saying she hopes we have a long and happy relationship but I am just so stressed with it all.  I am going to have to pay her a deposit and months rent tomorrow and pursue getting the money I have paid already directly with the agency.  I don't think they will pay easily as they are total cowboys so I am going to phone my solicitor tomorrow.  Boyfriend was a huge help today though and gave me a good pep talk and calmed me down and made me realise that this is a good thing (she has cut my rent too) and he says if the agency muck me about he will deal with it for me and get the money back (he is good at shouting lol).  Its just all such a mess.  I did see round the house today and it is lovely and I could see us being happy there.  Oh I wish it was this time next week.  Please let there be a happy ending to this train wreck story lol.  On a happy note (you will love this Rosemary), there is a chocolate labrador living right next door who is a boy called Billy!!!  My choc lab is a girl called Billie.  I can see romance in the air :)

Right I am off to pack my kitchen now as the magic fairies haven't arrived.

Take care penguins and I will hopefully soon post on FB "I've got my keys" (how long have I been saying that lol).

Gayle xxxxx

Morning girls - and jolly cold it is too this morning............

Becky - I am so sorry to hear of what is happening to you but some folks are just sooo insensitive and selfish........Take comfort in knowing that you are the one that was by your hubby;s side when he needed someone to hold him.........Today may be difficult for you - and I will be thinking of you and sending positive thoughts over the airwaves to help to hold you up!!!

Gayle - the penguin posse will soon be on its way to sort out those awful agents for you........All you need to do is shout for us .....It's good to hear though that you have met your new landlady and it sounds like you may have found a friend and safe haven all in one go.  I hope you soon get settled in and that there are no more problems for you.........I hope that the doggy romance will become a platonic friendship and not result in lots of little Billys/Billies     

Good luck to you and your boys............I hope you will soon be able to find some peace and rest.................

To everyone else I send love and comforting ((((((hugs))))))

Dot xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Becky, sending you big hugs to help you through today xxx Like the other lovely ladies have said that simmering anger may for some odd reason help you through today and when you get home have a drink or 4 for your lovely man and have a rant on here!! xxx Mark will be so proud of you xxx

Gayle, hope this is finally it and you now get settled and happy in your new home. Your boyfriend sounds lovely and sure he will sort it out xx And I know exactly what you mean about the closeness and how much we discussed with our lovely men due to this horrible illness. Something special but not to be repeated xxx

I sat on my landing yesterday sorting out my bookcase that I emptied for the decorating. I sat and looked through all the old photos, from before I met Paul, all the photos of Paul and I and the children from when they were born up to now. A few tears, but no uncontrollable sobs. Felt sad but also very thoughtful!! A lot has happened in my 43 years but I am still here and the one to move forward with my lovely son and daughter. G has made me happier in the last few months than I have been for such a long time, yes I still miss Paul like crazy but I cant change that or have my lovely man back so now I m in my next era, whatever that may bring. So to all you penguins on this cold Monday morning there is light at the end of the tunnel! Maybe not what we d choose but we didnt get a choice did we? Sorry if that doesnt make sense, think I know what I mean lol!!

Anyway have as good a Monday  you all can

Bug higs

Helen xxxx

Hi all u dear penguins -- Not been posting for a while as been busy, what with starting hospital volunteering -- toddler grandson + then my step granddaughter came to board at a school in bath + went to meet her + my d/in law in bath at the weekend -- wow havent been there for years really enjoyed the weekend there lovely shopping area + went on a city bus tour -- sending big hugs to all  u penguins who have recently had to join us here  -- it's the place to have a rant, a moan + share the ups + downs of this journey -- I have found such a welcome here -- mind read through the posts + have forgetten what I was going to say in 10 mins -- ( senior moment come to mind ) but <<<< big hugs >>>> + love to everyone xx lynda                     Love to my older friends on here too hope life is going fairly smoothly for u at the moment xx

Hi evereyone.  How is everyone on such a cold, cold day?  Helen it is lovely to hear you sounding so happy.  Makes me wonder what is in store for each of us & I think I know exactly what you mean.  Gayle I will be watching for the 'I've got the keys' post tomorrow.  Good luck getting your money back from the agents.  I would take it as a lovely sign that your Billie has a friend Billy right next door!  You are so right about some of the conversations we have each had.  I will be more than happy to never have to have those conversations again.

Patricia you did so well taking the money from your walk to the hospice.  I am sorry you ended up feeling so down and as though you are not coping.  To be honest the only place I am really honest about how I am coping (or not as the case may be) is on here.  I know everyone thinks I am coping because I put on 'the face' but that is exactly what it is - a face.  I have some wonderful happy moments like Toni's birthday this weekend but when everyone has gone I just cry & cry because Chris wasn't there to see it and be part of it.  Sending you loads of ((((((hugs)))))) Patricia.

Becky I hope you have managed to come through today.  It is so horrible that you have to deal with Mark's ex and that his parents seem completely oblivious to what they are doing.  It is lovely that you and his daughter get on well and that is worth hanging on to.  You need some ((((((hugs)))))) as well.

Lynne I hope you and your finger are getting a little better.  I think Gordon was watching out for you if it was his ring that saved your finger from even more serious damage.  Take care xxx

Pam I am glad you enjoyed the race night.  I sleep with the TV on as well.  I don't think I could drop off in a quiet bedroom a all.  I still struggle with coming home to an empty house and often make arrangements to stay over with someone after an evening out so as not to spoil it.

Bren I hope your friend is feeling better and enjoyed your chicken soup.  Try not to work too hard - you sound very, very busy at work.  Dot, Ellie-dog sounds like the best counsellor anyone could have.  I hope you & Alan are keeping okay.  Good evening Muriel-Anne - I hope you are okay this cold evening as well.

Well it still feels great not to have to commute to Bradford - the one good thing to come out of it is I really appreciate my 15 minute journey home again now.  I have pilates later tonight and I am still clearing up from the gather of the family here yesterday.  We had a great time - 8 of us all round the table.  It is a while since I last cooked for that many.  We listened to some great music afterwards and had some funny conversations.  It has been a long time since we got together like that.  I have put a few pictures on facebook - including one of Hamish.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx 

My choc lab is called Beeley! xx

Our choc lab is called Jake..

Kay