My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Sending hugs to you too Pam.  I can't say anything to take that pain away but know how you feel.  I can only describe it as pining for someone and I had never felt it before until I lost my lovely husband and would give anything just to see his blue eyes again.  Big hugs (((((((((()))))))))) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Oh you lovely penguins, thank you so much for your support.  It does help to know there are people out there for me.  I am now firmly in the middle of the huddle and will stay there until I feel a bit better.

Anyone who is having a bad moment please join me there.

I can never get my Martin back,which is such a hard thing to come to terms with,  but I know I have lots of penguins who have walked in my shoes and know my pain.  And this does help me so much. 

Big penguin (((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) to all of you xx

Pam xx

Gayle, I do hope that you manage to get the keys before moving day. Good luck hun and I wish I was a little nearer so that I could give you a hand. (or mind the boys for you whilst you do all the hard work lol)

Pam and all others who are struggling right now, know that we are all here to hold your hand through those darkest of days. x x x

Lynne, I hope your poor hand is not too sore x x x

Well ladies, I had the biggest of 'wobbles' today, in fact I completely broke down in tears. I had gone to the hospice to hand in the final monies from the sponsored walk I did in September. Fine.. or so I thought. Until the lady asked if it was in memory of someone. As I was telling her 'my husband and my mum' I just went to pieces. I felt such a fool. She asked me was it recent and I said no. 21 months ago. Her reply? Well I would say that is recent. How kind she was. I then went into the chapel where they keep the rememberance books and tortured myself by looking at mum's name and Ray's name. I left messages for them both then cried all the way home. I am at work now (on a short break) and am feeling so fragile you wouldn't believe it. I am so shocked by the waves of emotion I am experiencing right now. It is so unsettling. Pam mentioned sitting and vegetating. Well I have sunk into that yet again. I just want to be left alone to wallow in my own misery but know that is not a good idea and is perhaps a bit selfish. Others cope, why don't I?? Oh everyone around me thinks I am dealing with things really well but they don't see that I am a train wreck inside. Sorry for going on but just needed to get it down in words.

Have the best weekend you can and be kind to yourselves, because if you are not who else will be?

Love, peace and light and great big angel hugs to you all x x x Patricia x x x

Morning Patricia, Pam and everyone

First of all - Patricia - no more penguin patrols for you right now......into the middle and join Pam (and me).  I'll budge over to nearer the outside!!!  My lovely friends you are all doing so well......but there are days when it all feels too much - so if/when you need to it's OK to just sit and stare.  Watching the world go by is a favourite hobby of mine.  There aren't enough hours to do it - or else I just nod off to sleep and miss the exciting bits!!!!  You are not torturing yourselves - or anyone else...........And Patricia - you said:  '...Others cope, why don't I?? Oh everyone around me thinks I am dealing with things really well but they don't see that I am a train wreck inside....'  How do you know that the 'others' are not feeling like another part of that same train wreck????  I know there are times when I feel like that but I paint a happy face on and let folks think all is right in my world .......and you know that just now it's far from it!!!!

I take Ellie-dog for a walk and we howl at the moon together!!!!  Ellie is the best therapist - she lets me know that she has a 'poorly paw' and needs comforting - but in reality I think she knows it's me that needs the comfort and she will snuggle up to me for a cuddle and listens to my tales of woe!!!  I'm surprised she's not drowned in my tears before now.  But she's a strong swimmer and keeps my head above water!!!!!!

You are all doing so much better than you think and the times you can't cope are becoming less frequent (or if not now then soon).............So I'll just repeat our motto 'keep swimming.... keep swimming.........keep swimming..........keep  swi................'

Love and (((((((((hugs))))))))))) to you all

Dot xxxxxxxxxxx

Oh Patricia  you poor poor thing ((((hug)))) you helped me so much the other night by letting me talk through my problem and i wish i could have been there for you , its funny (or not) but i'd posted you a pictureon fase book yesterday , i must have known you needed it , stay in the middle , my flipper might be damaged but i can still wrap it round you , and Pammie and anyone else who needs it (((((hug ))))

Judi so glad to see you posting again , between you and Rosemary (you really should be a double act) yoy bith either make me laugh or cry (in a nice way ) dont ever stop xxxx

Sue so glad Sense is working out for you , we all knew there was something better for you as you deserve it so much xxxx

 Gayle ,i know its pointless of me saying it but try not to stress out to much as you say this time next week it will be all over and you'll be in your new house . Have a good night tonight and hope the fund raising goes well . Give the boys a hug form Aunty Lynne xxxx

Helen , so glad Nat is feeling a bit better , it must have been so hard for you to have gone to the same hospital , i still feel it now walking past the places Gordon had been and i do it everyday so to go for a first time is heart breaking . Hope you have a good weekend xxxx

 Ailsa , so pleased your comute is over now and Chris might not be here to tell you to slow down but the penguin possee is "slow down " and take care xxxx Dottee your always such a good support to everyone even though you are going through it all too , you take care xxxx

 I could have done with taking that advice yesterday Ailsa as i'm sure it was rushing about that made me slam the ambulance door on my fingers , and oh yes it hurt but what i was more worried about was it was the finger i wear Gordons wedding ring and as my finger came up like a balloon staright away i was worried they would have to cut it off (the ring not my finger lol ) well the A and E nurse was brilliant when i explained why i didn't want the ring cutting off , she managed to get it off with a lot of saop and water eventually and although it made the bleeding worse it was worth it to get the ring off . She said it was the ring that had saved my finger as if i hadn;t had it on my finger would have been crushed and x rays showed no damage to the bones at all . Plentof swelling and cuts but after i was stitched up i went back to work . As some of you know my son also walked into A and  E whilst i was there with a damaged knee (which he'd done a few days before ) well we did have quite a giggle whilst we we;re sat there , it reminded us of when he was younger and the times we'd been sat there after his many mishaps , like mother like son lol . He;s supposed to rest his knee for 3 weeks but wont as he is a self employed carpet fitter and i know he'll be back at work on monday . Anyway whats everybody up to this weekend , i'm out with work tonight and i should be going on one of the organised walks i gon on tommorow but i'm going with  friend instead , still walking but probably wont be as far and if the weather doesn;t pick up i'll be swimming back ..

 Hugs to all take care Lynne xxxx

Good morning!!!

Pam 7 weeks is such a short time!! I remember people telling me that but I used to get quite cross with myself as I d promised Paul I would be ok (he was worried how I d be after he went, he said `Ive got the easy part, I ve just got to die..you ve got the hard bit carrying on!!` ) so i promised I would be ok and carry on but then found it so much harder than I expected!! I had been through losing my Dad at 20 and then my mum in my 30 s but this hit me soooo much harder!!

I think now I am keeping my promise to him but still have wobbles, you are doing great xxxxx

Patricia big hugs to you xxxxx it really is still quite early for us all, I think we just expect too much of ourselves xx

Lynne, what are you like! You like Judi and Rosemary make me giggle and meake me cry at your posts. A giggle today I m glad to say!! Not my finger the ring lol!!

Gayle my motto now is what will get done will get done!! Used to be so organised and worry about silly things. Packing etc gets left right to the last minute, enjoy your weekend. It will all get sorted xxxx

Ailsa well done on your weight loss!! I ve put it back on lol!!! All that gym last year wasted!!!

Judi glad you re still settled xxx Are you coming to Liverpool meet?

Well my hall, stairs and landing is all decorated and looks fab!! I ve now got the bug and want to do the whole house! Any thought of maybe moving has gone, happy in this house and want to get it all tidy again xxx

Trouble is no time at the moment, away next weekend, plans for weekend after and away following weekend lol!!! Then we re truly in December!! Maybe in the New Year!

Hope you all have a good weekend, I m shopping this morning then meeting G for tea and to watch the match...come On Liverpool !!!!! Hes on nights but can meet for a bit then home to catch up on X factor!!!

Just keep swimming!!!

Helen xxx

Hi all you lovley penguins, the sun is shining in Norfolk today, I hope it is shining in your kneck of the woods xx

Oh Patricia, 21 months is not that long, just think how long you were with your hubby, you have the right to have your 'wobbly' moments. You can come and join me in vegetating when you feel the need, because sometimes that just charges your batteries and gives you the strength to start swimming again xx.

Dot, it is true, when we are putting on a brave face everyone thinks we are fine, when inside we are feeling so bad.  But I just think to myself, that if we put on a brave face long enough, one day that will be our normal face.

Lots of you penguins are surviving so well, it is giving me the hope that I will be where you are one day.  And just remember, where you are is far better than where I am at the moment.  And you only got there with sheer determination and the will to survive. I admire you all xx

Lynn, I hope your poor finger is better soon.  It must be quite painfull xx

Helen, thank you for your kind words.  They are a comfort to me at this time.

I have got a busy day today. This afternoon I am going to the birthday party of my Goddaughter's son, Ethan,  he will be 1.  Then tonight I am going to a race night with my Daughter and son-in-law.  This should be a bit weird as .............you know what I am going to say..................... the last time I went to one it was with Martin.................  So this is going to be another first, so please cross your flippers for me.  The only 'saving grace' is that my son -in-laws mother will be there.  She lost her husband in April, so I will have a like minded soul there to help.  Will let you know how I get on.

Well I am signing off now, had better get sorted before I have to go out.  I hope you all have as good a day as you can manage.  And, I know its cold, but you put your cossies on and get swimming, I am just getting into the pool now,............

Love and ((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))

Pam x

Patricia, I am sending huge angel hugs for you, you are always there for all of us and we are here for you now.  Please get it out, rant all you want.  I am not as far along as you but I have learned that I need to just go with my feelings.  If I am in that mood that I need to sit and veg, then that is what I have to do.  It will pass eventually.  Pam and Lynne and everyone else who needs them, I am sending huge hugs as well.  There are so many ups and downs along this road. 

Pam, everything I did was a reminder at first of what I have lost.  I found grocery stores to be horrible, seeing his favourite things and thinking I can't buy them now, no one here to use them.  We have lived here for 24 years so pretty much everywhere has some kind of memory.  It took my a very long time not to look at the phone at work whenever it rang, looking for my home number to be there and Dan to be calling because he called 4 or 5 times a day. 

I was feeling strong at the beginning of the week, even after a weekend all alone sorting things and walking with the dog.  My job right now is just too too busy and I am drained every night when I get home.  My permanent assistant has been hired but now it may be mid December before I see her, in the meantime I have had my half time help and half time temporary people, another one to start Monday. I do not have time to train temporary help so am not really getting any help at all.  My Principal is also run off his feet and we are both very close to going on sick leave and I do not want to do that and sit home alone every day.  Evenings and weekends are bad enough.  I will start to take sick days here and there though. 
Otherwise I am ok.  Had the cat at the vet this morning, another toss the mattress on the floor to catch the cat, it was just regular blood test for his diabetes and he is fine.  Now I need to put the bed back together.  I am going to see the movie Red this afternoon with some friends, it was made partly in Cambridge and I have been looking forward to going for a while, we will go for dinner afterwards too.

Then I have a friend who has been ill all week so I will go to her tomorrow.  She is one of my oldest best friends and is a bit put out because I have been going out with new friends and when she asks me, I am usually too tired.  It is hard because I never know how I am going to feel each day.  So I will head over there tomorrow with my chicken soup which I am making today.  Not going to be a restful weekend but getting out will be good for me.

Hope you are all having an ok day.

Bren

I hope all you dear penguins are managing to enjoy your week-end.

I feel that I should explain that I do not think 'others are coping' I just feel that I should be.  I know I tell others to be kind to themselves, to give themselves time to grieve etc., etc., but somehow I cannot make this apply to myself. Do as I say not as I do. Flippin stubborn old fool is what I am. I WILL cope, I WILL get by, I WILL start making an effort to do things even though I have no interest., I WILL start to let myself be happy. The question I ask myself is 'when?' I know that probably none of this makes any sense to anyone but me but there you have it.  I need to put the mask of 'coping' on and just get on with things.... now where did I put it??

Now...... here I am on 'penguin patrol' and hoping that you are all feeling ok enough to be enjoying yourselves and therefore not needing to be cosseted or hugged because wouldn't that be lovely?

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Patricia, I think I know what you mean.  Even after only 7 weeks I try to put on a brave face and 'get on with things'.  People say I am so strong, but I do not feel it, but what is the point, when people ask how you are, in telling them how you really feel.  It is not my way, and when I cry in public I feel so angry with myself.  I feel crying is for when you are alone.  Grieving is for when you are alone.  I only bare my soul to a couple of dear friends who have also lost their husbands over the years, as they know how I really feel, and also on this site.  i think we all try to 'put on a brave face' when people are around.  It is the way we are.

I went to my race night tonight and it was not too bad.  Can't say I was estatic, but it passed a few hours.  I went with my daughter, son-in-law and grandkids as well as my son-in-laws mother who has also lost her husband.  My daughter has been very good and has got me out and about, but I am beginning to feel that she is thinking I probably can now cope on my own.  I know she is not being mean, but she has no idea how I am feeling.  She can go home to her hubby and children and although I know she misses her dad I do not think she has any idea what it is like to lose your life partner.  I go home alone and all I have left is memories.  No one to give me a cuddle, no one to talk your problems over with, no-one to laugh with, that has all gone.  I feel a bit hurt really and know I should not.  She is young and has not been through what I have been through and I hope it is a long long time before she does.

Well thats all the baring my soul for tonight.  I am now going to put the electric blanket on and will soon be going to bed.  I just swap the tele in the lounge for the tele in the bedroom.;  Can't stand the silence so have to have it on.

So I will say goodnight all you lovely penguins and hope the rest of your weekend goes as well as it can

Lots of love and ((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Pam xx