My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Wow, you ve all been busy chatting!!

Becky well done you!!! It is things that hit us when we least expect it!! Well done you again xxx

Ailsa I can never imagine you slowing down but wish you would a little bit xxx

Well I have a pretty bad week, as most of you know from facebook we ended up in a and e on Tuesday night. Nat was really in pain, we had been back to dr s second time but still no relief. Like Gayle said they thought it was an abcess. Anyway on Tuesday she started spitting up blood so doc said to take her to a and e but not our local one, the one Paul had been in as they were E.N.T  specialists. Well..Nat went into meltdown and I could feel myself going too but obviously had to give my head a shake and get on with it lol!! She said `no Dad went there!!` then was convinced she too had cancer (Pauls cancer was head and neck/throat). Anyway we got there and she said she felt better!!! To cut a long story short the bleeding seemed to have eased something and they diagnosed her with acute tonsilitis. Sent us home with loads of painkillers and different anti biotics and she has gone back to college today.

We had a lovely night in last night and G spent the evening and had tea with me and Nat, the most we have all spent together but it was lovely but unfortunately it all caught up on me and I was shattered!! Better today.

Liam is still enjoying St Helena, he is home 6 weeks today!! His girlfriend also called round last night and Nat s boyfriend so it was a full house all round. Lovely!!

Gayle hope you got your keys today. Will catch up on facebook too

Lots of love and hugs Helen xxx

Evening everyone.  Helen what a week you have had.  I am so glad that Nat is on the road to recovery and well done to you both for going back to such a scary place.  It is lovely that Nats boyfriend and Liams girlfriend and G have all been round.  I love a house full and will get one on Sunday when they all come round for dinner for Toni's birthday.  Her birthday is tomorrow but she is going to York overnight with her boyfriend and will need Saturday to recover so I won't see her till Sunday.  There will be 8 of us for dinner so I can't wait.  My long commute has finally finished.  I got back in time to go straight to my slimming club.  I have lost 8 pounds now.  I can really feel the difference so I need to keep it up for a bit longer.

Pam I am so pleased that PALs have responded in such a positive manner to your report.  Martin would be very proud of you for sticking up for yourself.

Becky you too have done an amazing thing having your coffee so close to a place with so many memories.  Just like Patricia says though - they are good memories and you focused on them.  We all need to try hard to remember the good times we had with our loved ones.  We owe that to ourselves and to them.

Well I think I may pour myself a very small baileys as a reward for finishing the commute and losing a little more weight.  It is very, very wild out tonight.  It's a good thing I put the garden table and chairs away safely at the weekend.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx 

Hi all you lovely penguins.

I had to go to the doctors this morning as my friend had been monitoring my blood pressure for the last few weeks and it is quite hight (now I wonder what has made that happen then.......) The doctor wants me to have the usual blood tests and has tactfully said | need to lose a bit of weight and exercise a bit more.  I started to think when I left, that  I need to do these things, can't keep making excuses and sitting here vegetating.  And more long walks might help my mood I think.  So will see what I can do.

The sun is shining at the moment and I am going into Norwich shopping with a friend.  I woke up this morning feeling so bad, but as the morning has gone on my spirits have lifted a bit. And I do find a bit of retail therapy does help.  It is just the getting home again to an empty house that is offputting.  But this is my life now and I must lead it as best I can.

Gayle, have you got those keys yet.  It will be good to get you settled girl.

Anyway, getting ready for my shopping expedition, hope all you penguins have the sort of day you deserve.

Lots of love and ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))

Pam xx

Hello everyone,

Helen, so glad Nat is feeling a bit better and that sounded a lovely evening with everyone round.  Great news your commute has stopped Ailsa and hope you have a lovely family meal.  Well done on the weight loss too!  Lynne, what are you like!  I hope your hand is not giving you too much pain and sending you hugs.  Pam, sorry to hear about the high blood pressure and hope the retail therapy goes well.  Becky, will be thinking of you this week with your husband's 40th.  I hope you manage okay surrounded by family. And now I have forgotton what everyone else has said!!

I still don't have my keys :(  The landlord changed the locks and hasn't given them to the letting agency who are still a nightmare.  I am sick fed up phoning them and god knows when I will get them.  I am moving on Wednesday and everything is all booked and I can see me getting them then which will be a nightmare.  I haven't even seen inside the house so I would be arriving with the removal lorry not having a clue where the furniture will go and where it will fit.  I am so stressed with it all but not much I can do about it really.  Anyway, busy busy few days finishing packing and my shed is getting delivered today to the house (I can obviously get into the garden).  I am heading away tomorrow to Falkirk though in the afternoon to host a quiz night at the playgroup tomorrow night (so I can't get out of it) but I am taking my friends with me and we will hit the town afterwards then stay in a hotel and come back Sunday.  Then back through to Falkirk for work on Monday at 7.30am and back about 10.30pm on Monday night so I really only have today and Tuesday to pack so as you can imagine I am pretty stressed!!!  Never mind this time next week it will all be over (hopefully!).

Hope you all have as good a weekend as you can.

Gayle xxx

Excuse me munchkin .... I was reading that and had to have a nap min way through because I was tired just reading through what you were going to do!!!  LOOK AFTER YOURSELF .... so says Aunty Judes. 

Pammie, I remember very clearly (really because it only stopped a few months ago) that for over 18 months I sat and vegetated for hours and hours each day.  I had the dogs to take out but my tow are very sleepy, lazy hounds who just plod along and often turn round to go home.  I used to come in from my part-time (sitting!) job and sit on teh sofac - any time form 3 or 4 onwards and still be sitting there at midnight.  I could easily convince myself at 6pm that it was actually too late to start doing anything constructive like ironing or cleaning and just SIT, and I mean just SIT.  I had a terrible diet of sandwiches and chocolate (actually, that doesn't sound half bad just now!)  The girls will tell you I bought an exercise bike ... it had clothes hanging on it, I had a rowing machine .... more clothes.  nothing seemed to make a difference, I had absolutely no impetus whatsoever, but I was damn good at conning others that I had a full and varied life.  So all I am saying is, don't beat yourself up, you are doing well, you are making the effort and going out, retail therapy or whatever.  Yes, absolutely if you can find the energy go for those walks gilr .... but don't be too hard on yourself ok - you will know when the time is right for pushing yourself.  ((( ))))

Helen, poor little Nat, that sounds horrifiic, and how wonderful are you two that you got through that hospital visit.  Your supper sounds great, nice busy house.  

Yippee Ailsa,  commuting finished.  HAve a wonderful weekend, and go on, pour yourslef a wee sherry this evening - you got through it hun! 

Rosemary - just sending down special, snuggly, cosy, warming, laugh-making hugs (((   ))))  Becky, you be kind to yourself this weekend.  Stars are shining on you. 

Lynne - mwah!  Big, big kiss.

Oh, oh, oh, it is log out time at work - home for me girls.  love to each and every one of you.

Love Judes xxx

Evening everyone.  I think there must be 2 extremes to this thing.  I have been exactly the opposite to what Judes describes.  I have absolutely worn myself out in the past 18 months.  I was always a busy person but Chris slowed me down.  Without him supervising I literally don't sit down at all.  I keep a notepad in front of me at work jotting down what i am going to do over the next few days.  I only really relax when I go away somewhere to meet up with you lot on here.  We are all different but I will take any suggestions for ways to slow down in my home.  I will definately be having the sherry before bed Judes.  Maybe I need a pair of nice slow pooches.  Are they still settled in their nice new home?

Pam I am sorry to hear about the high blood pressure.  I am sure a litle retail therapy will be the best medicine to begin with and from there on in take care of yourself.

Becky I will be thinking of you this weekend and Monday.  Be kind to yourself and let others look after you.

I am helping a friend to move some furniture some furniture tomorrow so I hope it is dry.  Then later I am out for tea before going to the local theatre to see Blood Brothers.  I hope some of the rest of you have things planned for the weekend.  Sue - how was SENSE?  I bet you enjoyed it just as much as last week.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx 

Well my shopping trip was up and down today.  I was feeling really low when I went to pick up my friend and would have sooner been at home just vegetating  But thought that is not good for me, get out into the outside world and get on with it.  We have lived in Norfolk for 38 years, so there are not many places we have not visited together.  So eveywhere I looked I saw Martin and it made me feel so sad.  The retail therapy was not too bad, at least it took my mind off my troubles.  And then --bang-- another memory, another place we visited.  I hope that it will get better as time goes on.  Please let it get better.  I know it has only been 7 weeks but I want this grieving process to end.  I am finding it far too hard.  Every day is a chore and I have to keep pushing myself every day.

I am now sitting here, on a Friday night, when we used to go to our local club feeling very sorry for myself.  Baileys is not enough tonight so I am hitting the drambue. 

I need that penguin boat at the moment, to wrap me in hugs and make me feel safe.

I bought a lovely elephant pajama case today, it will be good to put my jammies in and will also be good for a good cuddle.  That is something I miss so much.  I was not able to give Martin much of a cuddle since he had his op in June as it would have been too painful so have had to make do with holding his hand and stroking his arm.  Well I would give anything just to do that at the moment.  But a cuddle would also be just great.  But I only want HIS cuddles and that will not happen.

Well that is all my moaning done for the day.  I just miss my Martin so much and each day it does not get better.  Some days it just gets worse.  The loneliness in a crowd and the thought that I will not see him again is just really sinking in and so hard to bear.

Can I have lots of hugs please from all you supportive penguins.

Love you all

Pam xx

Oh Pam, I so know how you feel..

((((((((((((((((((Huge Hug)))))))))))))

Kay

Oh Pam - there are no worrds that I can say to ease your heart right now...............I know that I am not your Martin but offer you the most squishy comforting ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) that i can muster............Crawl into the middle of our huddle and stay warm and protected for now.  We will look after you...........

Love and more comforting (((((((((((hugs))))))))))) for you and all else that need them tonight

Dot xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Pam I know just how you feel.  I'm sending you lots & lots of penguin ((((((((((hugs)))))))))) to help you through the evening.  Just like Dot says - climb right into the middle of the huddle.  Ailsa xxx