My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hello Everyone, welcome back to Judes and Helen - missed you!!!

Hope that everyone who got to Scotland had a great time, I was thinking of you all, as you already know...(especially as I kept harrassing you via Lynne with text messages!) I was gutted to miss out on seeing Rosemary and Judes together - I bet that was a real treat! H and I had a relaxing few days in Menorca, was glad we were away for the anniversary of the funeral. I really wasn't expecting it to hit me so hard, but we were both in pieces. Feel like I'm coming back round again now though thank goodness!

Fiona so sorry to hear  you have been feeling so down, don' t think the dark night are doing any of us any favours :( xx

Gayle you must be at your wits end hun, hope there is some light at the end of the tunnel for you soon. xx

Well done Lynda and Sue on your volunteering - I know what a godsend my volunteers are, I hope that they appreciate you! xx

Work is so busy at the moment, it's getting a bit stressful to be honest. And I'm still on weekly visits to the hospital, but still managing to stay treatment free so far - so keep your fingers crossed for me again tomorrow my lovely friends... Have been thinking of you all, as always - I might not post so often so I read every day!

Much love to you all, Manda xxx

Hello everyone

I have not been posting much lately but have survived that one year anniversary last week with the help of some good friends.  I actually found the weekend before the date was really really hard but now I am pulling back up out of the hole once again.  My Thursday group is finished this week with a pot luck dinner but we plan to all keep in touch and meet up in restaurants for dinners and coffe at least once a month.  We are a good group, all really caring about each other so that will be great.  My Monday group has a few more weeks and I have made a connection with one of them, you guessed it, she is from Scotland!  I think we will also keep in touch after the group.    They are both completely different but I think both groups have been good for me.

I am trying to do some more organizing in the house, sorting out closets, there is so little storage space in this old place so have a mess of wool and linens all over my bedroom right now but little by little  it will get sorted.  I am also dreading the dark and lonely nights of winter coming.  I am still waiting for my help to arrive at work so that is really busy now too.  I know who is coming and am glad she is but when, who knows.

Pam, good for you for sending that report.  I had many issues with the medical profession when Dan was in and out of hospital and waiting over a month for a biopsy while being told totally different stories, he has pancreatic cancer, no it is not on the pancreas it is surrounding it, he could live 10 years, he has only months, etc.... as well as his treatment in the hospital but I was too overwhelmed when he died to do anything about it.  Good for you.  It may not bring answers that we need but it might help someone else.

sending hugs to all

Bren

Hi !
I've just visited this forum. Happy to get acquainted with you. Thanks.

Manda, I hope things remain stable for you health wise. Sending you hugs of support. I am glad you have managed to come through the one year anniversary. Not easy is it?

Bren, it is lovely to hear that you have support from your various groups. I hope you all do remain in touch. It just takes a little effort doesn't it? Perhaps the 'sorting' that you intend to do will keep you occupoed on the dark nights and make them seem a little less daunting. Saying that, I still have lots of stuff to do but cannot make myself do it yet.

Gayle, how are you? I do worry about you. I hope that you are able to get settled somewhere soon so that you and the boys can begin to enjoy things together again.

Fiona, how is your son-in-law? I haven't asked about your dad lately, so I hope he is keeping fairly well. Look after yourself and remember to take so time for yourself.

Ailsa, Lynne, Judi, Rosemary, Leslie, Helen,Dave, Dottee, Linda, Pam, Becky, and anyone who I have not yet mentioned (sorry) I hope you are all managing to get through the days (and nights) without too much trauma. 

The days are long but the night are even longer. It seems as though there is no purpose to anything but I am sure there is. Hibernating away from the world seems like a good option, but I am sure it is not. Any suggestions??? All answers on a pinhead please.

Oh, before I go, my dad seems much happier these days. He is managing to eat his food without choking. That has to be good doesn't it? I know he still misses mum terribly but that is something none of us can do anything about (as we all know perfectly well).

Take care dear penguins.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Hi Bren, thank you for your kind words.  I think what made me so angry and made me want to write to Pals was the fact that they never told us how serious Martins condition was.  And we were always under the impression that he would have at least a couple of more years together.  It would probably made us think that it would not have been a good idea to have the chemo, which in the end I think made it worse.  He was so unwell and there were times I got impatient with him that he would not eat when, in fact, he could not eat.  The tumour had spread too far into his intestines/bowels.  And no tests had picked this up.  We keep thinking 'what if' but I do not think the outcome would have been any different, just think his quality of care should have been a lot better.  But now I have sent the report off I hope the anger I feel will slowly subside and I will know I have done all I possibly could for his memory.

Anyway, I have had a good few days beginning of the week.  I went shopping for undies and a pair of trainers on Monday and went to see a close friend yesterday.  I woke up this moring back on the merry go round. Felt that dark dread that comes over you when you realise what you have lost and can never get back.  The weather, of course, does not help and I am dreading the long lonely months ahead.  But speaking to my daughter on the phone and posting here has cheered me up somewhat.  I am now going to go into our local town and do some food shopping.  I have not done much since martin left me, did not see the need.  My appetite is shot and the thought of cooking dinner leaves me with such a dread.  But today, for the first time, I am going to browse round the supermarket, with no list, and buy anything that catches my eye. 

So I will sign off now, wish me luck in my expedition. You never know what I might come back with.  But I will make sure it will include a large bottle of Baleys.

Anywy, love to all you penguins and I hope your day goes well.  If not then you know where we all are.

Lots of love and many many big (((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))

Pam

PS Can anyone tell me how to past pictures to the tread xx

Pasting piccies - oh yes!!!!

First, the pic needs to be on the internet before you can post it.

Then, simply right-click on the picture, and choose 'copy'.   Right-click again on the space where you want your pic to go, and this time choose 'Paste'

Sue xx

.....Hah!!  Unless your pc is like mine and full of so much security that it won't let me paste pics any more!!!!!...........then not so 'seemples'........Darn it xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Well, I copied the picture on internet but when I tried to paste on this post it did nothing at all.

Oh well, nothing to stress out about I suppose.

pam xx

Better luck next time Pam.  Maybe you have the same security set up as Dot!

I hope everyone is okay this evening.  I didn't get home from work until almost 7.  I am having to work in Bradford for a few weeks and the journey is a nightmare.  I only have another week & a half to go but I think they may ask me to do some more.  I should probably start work on my answer now.  Sitting in traffic jams in the dark gives me too much time to think and I get home so down & lonely.  It really isn't good at all.

Patirica I'm glad your Dad is doing better.  I don't think I can even give you one starter for your pinhead I'm afraid.  I'm not sure what it is all about right now.

Helen how is Nat now she is home?  We always found 2 weeks away a bit too much - usually got homesick after about 10 days

Bren it is lovely to hear from you.  Good luck with the sorting out.  I still have a lot of that to do and I also need to shape myself and get the work on the garage finished.

Good evening Sue & Dot and everyone else looking in.  I think that should be me off to bed so take care eveyone.  Ailsa xxx

Evening everyone,

Ailsa, sorry to hear about working far away and hopefully it will be over sooner rather than later for you.  Pam, glad to hear you have been feeling a bit brighter the last couple of days.  Patricia, good news about your dad.  Lynne, where are you lurking lol.  Helen, lovely to have you back - we have missed you.  Manda, hope your health continues and we think of you also. 

Well I am back in my house!!  Slept here last night for the first time and just spent 12 hours cleaning and throwing out stuff after the insurance company came out this morning.  Basically all I had to do was write a list of all the damaged stuff, get values and email them but it is a HUGE list lol.  But I have done it now finally.  I am absolutely shattered and my back is killing me but glad that it is all done (I will post a pic on FB tomorrow of the mountain of rubbish).  However, they are needing to rip up all the floors downstairs and as I have nowhere to go I will be living upstairs and be able to use the kitchen and thats about it.  Bit of a nightmare to say the least but not much I can do about it.  At least the landlord isn't charging me rent :)  The woman (I use the term loosely) that is in my new house has said she will be out by Monday (yes that was a pig flying past) but you never know.  I have also got another house to view on Friday which might be suitable so if it is I will wait until Tuesday morning, if the woman isn't out my house, then I will go for this one as it would be my 2nd choice but I am running out of options.  So the 3 amigos are finally under one roof again which is a huge relief.  Albeit I am now sharing a bed with Jamie lol.  I would put him into Ewans room beside him (I might still do that) but Ewan is a very bad sleeper so needs to sleep alone or he keeps everyone else up with him.  We will see how we get on and how annoying Jamie is in my bed and fingers crossed it will only be for a couple of weeks maximum.

Anyway, I'm rambling now and shattered so I will bid you all a good night.

Take care penguins

Gayle xxx