My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hello everyone,

Well had a fantastic weekend.  Was lovely meeting old and new penguins and had a great catch up.  Had a funny moment when I was waiting for Lynne to arrive.  Her train (so I thought) had arrived but no Lynne.  So she phoned me and I said where are you?  She replied I'm on the train so of course I was like why? Its stopped in the station lol.  She of course said well I am on the train because it is still moving - she was on a different train!  So luckily I found her after all :)  We are looking at organising the next meet for Liverpool at end of January and I have put a message on FB to see if anyone is interested.  Rosemary, I told Jamie about your mustang and he was extremely impressed although he rhymed off some model and said if it was that then his head would explode lol :)

Oh Pam, my heart hurts for you.  Your words I don't want to keep swimming made my cry.  I often feel like that.  I just want to stamp my feet and say no more - I can't do this.  Of course other days I wake up and think yes I can - I can and I will make a new life but often it builds up to a point where I have had enough (like this morning).  However, I will just have to dust myself down and get on with it.  My two wee boys need me to be a strong, good mum and I am determined I will.  I don't know what I would have done without them.  The day after my husband died I still had to get up early and see to them or else I probably wouldn't have got myself out of bed for a long time.  I am sending you huge hugs and to say I know how you feel and wish I could say something more constructive. 

Becky, I will be interested to see how you get on with your appointment.  I had no contact from my husband's consultant or oncologist which I found upsetting.  My husband was ill for 4.5yrs and we went private so these two made a lot of money and had seen a great deal of us both and I was saddened that I didn't even get some kind of letter from either of them acknowledging his death.  The hospice were great and the local GP came and saw me and did answer a couple of things but he really came to see me because he is also my gp to make sure I was okay. 

Hello to everyone else.  Bren I will be thinking of you this week and sending penguin hugs across the water.  We are here if you need to rant or cry or both. 

Better get back to work.  I am soooo tired today - all that socialising has exhausted me :)

Gayle xxx

Bren, here just for you is a great big squidgy hug to help cushion you from the tidal wave of emotions over the next few days. I hope you are able to remember some good times in amongst the sad ones x x x

Gayle, you and Lynne are like a double act. I am not sure which one is the funnier. Your post made me smile and that is a good thing these days x x  I am so glad you had a good time. I was thinking of you all. A liverpool meet sounds good. I hope I can make it to that one.

Dottee, I know what you mean about giving support to try to distract you from your own problems. It is a good plan when it works. Ray and I used to let people ask us anything they wanted when we met up but then they had to promise to treat him (and me) in as near a normal way as they could as he did not want his(or my) life to be defined by cancer. He did a pretty good job and that went some way to making his last days more bearable. I hope you had a productive day with your card making. It is such a good way of forgetting anything that is troubling you isn't it, if only for a few short hours. (((((hugs))))). I am on night duty again tonight so will drop by the perimeter of the penguin huddle to check on you all.

It is a lovely day poutside. The sun is out (although not giving much heat), the sky is blue, not many clouds to spoil the view....   Anyway, I hope you have all had a good day and feel refreshed and uplofted after your meeting with fellow penguins (those who made it that is).

Take care. Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Evening all , oh Pammie , my heart goes out to you such early days of mixed emotions , i remember them well, cant really give any advice just keep posting as it really does help to write it all down . When in Glasgow on sat i was talking to 1 of the other ladies and she said the best thing about the meets are you can say what you like and noone will think your mad , if you said some things to others they just dont "get it " so keep writing and we'll keep "getting it " and maybe you'll feel able to come to the meet in liverpool .. Well as Gayle has said , it was a fabulous weekend , with lots of laughs starting with Gayle thinking i was lost , i know its the kind of thing you all expect of me but i knew where i was lol . Gayle was a perfect hostess and she was running us all abaut most of the weekend so thank you again Gayle for making it such a good weekend and i really enjoyed every min of it , especially having my breakfast cooked for me twice !!! i missed our breckfast chat this morning boohoo and Jamies bed is the best bed ever xxx Rosemary , Ailsa , Fiona and Judi so lovely to see you all again ,when we're together its like we've never been apart and i miss you all dredfully when i get home , so already looking forward to the next meet and hopefully some more penguins can come to this one xx Patrica ,Sue  Bren and Dotteee sending a big hug for you all  too , always a fantastic support even though like you once said to me Patricia , i say more by what i dont say and i think the same goes for you too ((hug )))  Anyway , i've gone shopping tonight and didn't have my cash card with me grr had toleave my shopping and come home for it , broke a plate amd so i think i#ll not start the other curtain pole tonight ..  hugs to all i've not mentioned (((hugs )))

 Take care all xxx

Lynne xxx

so glad you enjoyed your weekend so much, but Lynne -  we know that you always know where you are, but the problem is that no-one else does!!!   Maybe we should just follow the sound of breaking plates, hot-air driers falling off walls, drills going through pipes............. then we'd find you!

Lots of love and hugs

Sue xx

aahhh - but the curtain pole is still up...... uummmm......... isn't it????

Anyway Lynne just to comfort you I'm a walking disaster zone.... boxes/packets/cans have been known to hurl themselves on the floor as I walk past them in the supermarket!!!  I even managed to tip myself off my office chair this weekend.  Alan's reaction - 'what happens to him if I am badly injured'??  Charming!!!

Dot, that was EXACTLY the same reaction as alan had when he was ill - he was paranoid if I as much as stepped outside the door ,'don't fall down, drive carefully, ' etc etc xx

Hello, its nice to hear about your weekend. Love to you all xx

Evening Penguins, Sending you a big hug Pam i remember the early days and felt the same as you so hang in there and keep swimming. Well i also had a lovely weekend in Glasgow meeting old and new penguins and would like to thank Gayle for organising and of course driving us about x x. Bren sending you a big hug and i will be thinking about you this week. I also went shopping tonight Lynne. It was very frosty here this morning been a nice day but very chilly. Dottie i should have been making cards toinght as well as i make them for the shop and i have none left but a bit late to start now o well tomorrow night. Well i think its coffee time then bed. Hugs to you all. Fiona xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ha ha , Sue i know xxx Dottee , curtain pole number one is still up , the ladies in scotland have said i've got to put a spirit level on it and see the result so thats what i will do .. Night night all xxxxx

Hi to all you lovely penguin friends,

Glad you, who went to Glasgow, had a great time, it is nothing less than you deserve.  I would love to try to get to Liverpool in January, I will have to see if I am strong enough.  I hope I am, as I would love to meet you all face to face.

Well I had a funny sort of day today.  I met my daughter and grandchildren in town this morning went shopping with them and had coffee.  On the way home I just broke down in the car.  That is the great thing about tinted windows, no-one can see you cry.  I pulled up to my driveway and found the neighbours out talking and not wanting to see them in my state I drove past.  I drove up the road for a while and then came back.  They were still outside and i did not know what to do.  I had a real panic attack.  But I quickly turned into a side road where one of my friends live and parked outside hers and cried and cried.  I rang her from my mobile to see if she was in and then went in to see her.  I was in a sorry old state, the worst I have known since Martin left.  Well she gave me a cuddle and we talked and talked.  I felt safe with her and she knew how I felt as she had lost her husband five years before.  As I was talking to her it suddenly dawned on me that it was 5 years to the day that she lost hers and I felt so bad.  But Lin is such a really good friend and she told me that it also helped her to just sit and talk.  That is the great thing about talking to people who KNOW how you feel.  No-one who has not been through this can ever know how we feel.  Well I am sitting here typing this and realise how lucky I am to have such great friends around me and such good friends on this site.  People who understand, people who can help to heal.  Lin has given me some ideas which have made me realised that I cannot do this on my own.  But I know I will get through this, don't know how long it will take and don't know what I will have to go through to get there.  But I surely know that with my friends and family around me and you lovely penguins I WILL get there.  It will not be the sort of life that I have had, it will probably be a strange life, but it will be a life where I can look back and think of Martin with happy thoughts and move on with the life that Martin would want me to have.

Goodnight all you penguins and big ((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))) from me to you.  You all deserve that for the help and encouragement you have given me and am sure will give me in the future.

Love

Pam xxxxxxxxxxxx