My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

thankyou to those penguins who have told me of your experiances with the oncologists/ haematologists. i have contacted the secretary to make an appointment and they will call back on monday to make an appointment (because as predictable no one there who can help on a friday afternoon!)

I hope you all have a good weekend, sounds like the meet in glasgow will be fun.

thanks again for your support

Becky

Hello lovely penguins, I hope those of you who are meeting up have a fabulous time (lucky things).

Becky good luck when you meet with the oncologist. I hope you find answers which will help you to feel a little more at ease.  I think most of us go through the 'what if' stage but never really come to any different conclusions. I know that I look at the 'what if's' and wish I had noticed the signs earlier, wish I had not been so flippant when Ray said he was always tired (well so was I). Why didn't I make him go the the doctor's earlier etc etc. I know in my heart of hearts that it would have not changed anything about his diagnosis and treatment.  Anyway, good luck and as I am sure you will do, go armed with your written questions because it is so easy to forget what you wanted to ask when you are so upset.

Today, I was talking with my lovely daughter about her day (she is a trainee physiotherapist) and we were talking about a gentleman (no names mentioned) who is basically going home to die. He has an inoperable tumpour in his chest (oh so very familiar to us as Ray's tumour was inoperable). Suddenly she burst into heartrending tears. How hard she is finding it I can only imagine. I know she is going to come acrtoss this time and time again and I can do nothing to protect her.  Her colleagues are thankfully very supportive and do everything they can to support her. Why, oh why does life have to be so cruel.

On my way to work now so won't have much time to think for the next few days.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Hi penguins -- hope those in glasgow have a good meet -- I too often feel guilty that I didnt notice signs with Cyril as he was coming home eating his meal + often falling asleep + he had awful sinus probs but he was told on the few times he went to the docs it was infection + given antibios He even retired early as the tiredness was getting to him. Then when he was going through his 1st lot of radio + chemo we had no help only a phone no for these head + neck nurses who were very often unavailable when u had a query +they only took notice when a friend who was a nurse intervened -- but unfortunately its all what ifs -- getting over the jet lag slowly --anyone got a good remedy for getting some bounce back -- love + hugs to u all xx lynda

Hi all,

Well it is exactly one month today since Martin left me (23rd September)  I do not feel any better than I did the day he went, probaly worse, as now everyone is getting back to their own lives and I am in limbo.

I have the odd good day, but so many many bad days.  I feel sad, angry, hurt, betrayed and Oh so lost.  I try to take one day at a time, but the short looks into the future scare me so much.

Martin should be here with me now, we should be doing the normal things we did each day.  It is so not fair.  What did we ever do to deserve this. What did he ever do.  If I go out I see all the couples around me.  We should still be a couple.  I see them all laughing and just being normal and I feel I am on the outside looking in.  Although Martin is still with me I see him getting further and further away if that makes any sense at all.

But then nothing is making sense to me at the moment.  One minute we were looking forward to a long and happy life.  And then the next it is all taken away. Oh I feel so cheated.

I know Martin would not want me to feel this way and he would want me to get on with my life.  But that is easier said than done.  What is life here on my own watching everyone elses life.  I know my family and friends try so hard, but at the end of the day they cannot bring him back and cannot make things right.  It will never be the same again and it is breaking my heart.

Sorry to be so negative, but today, that is how I feel.  Tomorrow, or even this afternoon I might feel different.  But at this moment on this day, one month after my darling Martin left me, I feel I do not want to go on.

I am tired of swimming. I don't want to swim anymore

I am heartbroken

Pam xx

hi pam

I know those feeling all too well, it is just over 3 months since my beautiful husband passed away, the feelings of unfairness and loss of the future. They are sad to say still there but at the moment at least slightly less acute amd raw. I do still often feel my future has been ripped away, no husband, no children and no one to share my life with, but i have family and my husband told me to go on and to try to be happy. so much easier to say then do, though right now it is bringing tears to my eyes.

My point before I get too low is that as I had been told so many times it is early days, how do we expect to feel any better, after loosing someone so close to us, so quickly, after all those years. sadly i think things often seem to get worse for a while before we can come to some sort of ease about life going on. I think for me that process has started but ups and downs come without warning.

don't stop swimming, or just grab on to a float for a while and tred water for a bit.

hold on

Becky

Hi Pam

Sending you lots of hugs today.  I do understand what you are feeling.  There are many many days when I think why bother?  I get so tired of fighting just to get by.  Don't even try to get by one day at a time, try it one hour or one minute.  I know nothing anyone says right now will help but everyone on here does understand.  I can't think of a future all alone either and today is also not a good day.  Next week will be one year since I lost my Dan and I am feeling very very alone right now.  Friends and family are there if I call them but some days I do not have the energy to do that and I think they should read my mind and call me but that doesn't happen.  And it is not the same.  Going out with friends is a distraction but I still come home to an empty house.  I am going to a grief support group, actually two now.  One is the second one at the Coping Centre and I have made a good friend there, she is also in the second group with me and that is the only place besides here with the penguins that I feel understood.   I have found it to be very helpful and supportive for me although I know groups are not for everyone. 

Get in the middle of the huddle and I am joining you there, lots of hugs

Bren

Evening girls - well it looks like I will have to be duty penguin and stretch my flippers round you all to keep you snuggled and safe until you feel you can face the world for a little while........

I am not in the same position as yourselves so cannot truly understand the depths of your grief and loneliness - but I do know a cry from the heart so am answering that with many ((((hugs)))) to comfort you all............

Love and more comforting (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))

Dot xxxxxxxxxx

Just did two posts which vanished into thin air. Zapp----- just like that.

Dottee how lovely you are. Offering such love and support to everyone whilst it is plain for all to see how much you are dealing with yourself. (((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))).  Theren is no need for you to do the whole night shift by yourself. I am here beside you to keep you company.

Bren, keep your chin up, we are all thinking of you and offering the warm hand of friendship and a shoulder to cry on.

I hope all who are struggling mange to have a better day this Sunday.

How are all the penguins getting on in Glasgow?? I hope you are misbehaving and having a fab time.

Love and angel hugs to you all x x x Patricia x x x

Morning Patricia

I hate that - the vanishing post trick!!!  Happens to me all the time.......Sometimes I think I must have dreamed doing all the typing!!!!  The worst trick though is the one of thinking your post has gone - retyping it (after struggling to remember all the best words and phrases) then finding that the first has arrived after all!!!   Aaarrgghh!!!!!!

Hope your night shift went off without a hitch?  It got a bit chilly patrolling round the penguin huddle last night - I found myself wishing for a small fire on Rosemary's ledge.......With a glass of something ???? to warm the heart..........I hope our friends feel much safer and a bit happier this morning..........

As for me - well our 2 holidays so close together have helped me unwind and regain my equilibrium once more.........I feel relaxed and happy for the first time in a long time..........And I really do prefer thinking of others.............and trying not to focus so much on my own problems........

Am looking forward to today - card-making all day methinks!!!

......and for those meeting up in Glasgow take care on your journeys home......... don't talk to strangers OR take sweeties from them............

Love and comforting (((((hugs)))))) to everyone

Dot xxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi dear penguins -- hope all of you have managed to have a good weekend, though I know from experience that sometimes the weekend can seem a nightmare when you see couples out + about -- although we had a good day out ,as it was my youngest sons b/day, it was still tinged with sadness as hubby was missing + I look at my young grandson + still ask why us after 10 months Hope the meet girls had a good time + thank u dot for keeping the night shift going as yes we often need rounding up -- love + <<<<big hugs >>>> to all fellow penguins xx lynda