My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Good morning all you lovely penguins.

Hope you are all ready for the day ahead.  The sun is shining in Norfolk and I hope it is too where you all are.

I woke up this morning very blue, it is 4 weeks today since Martin left me and I am finding it very hard.  As you all remember, people are going about their own business again, the world is still spinning, but I am feeling so alone and do not want to be here.

I try to think of only today but still find the future creeping in and it is so scarey............

But I have decided to go out for a ride in the sunshine.  I was going to go for a walk but do not want to meet anyone as I know I will just burst out crying and don't want to do that in the street.  So I am going out in the car.  Don't know yet where, but at least if I cry no on will see me and perhaps the ride will buck me up.  I do like driving.

So I hope when I get back home again I might feel a bit better.

I hope your day ahead goes well for you all.

Lots of love and big (((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))) to all you lovely penguins.

Pam xx

ps. Thanking you for adding me as a friend on Facebook x

Thank you everyone for your kind words.  The boys haven't suffered too much but I worry that if I continue to be unsettled that it will start affecting them.  They are both very confident, affectionate boys (as some of you will see at the weekend) and you are absolutely right Dot, they keep me young.  Drive me mad and probably give me grey hairs but they definitely keep me on my toes!!  The past two mornings when I have dropped off Ewan at nursery he has launched himself on whoever has opened the door to give them a huge cuddle.  It always makes me smile that they are so affectionate to everyone and it always takes the person by surprise that all of a sudden they have a child launching themselves at them and then attaching onto them :)  Hopefully it will all be resolved soon.  I am going to see another house today but it is quite small so I don't think it is suitable but may be a back up option. 

Patricia, I am so sorry that you are so worried.  I remember when Wully was diagnosed and had his op etc the consultant said to Wully that he will still get sick with normal day to day things (like colds, etc) and that the slightest bit of illness will make us both worry unnecessarily.  Easier said than done.  Before Wully was ill we had no experience of cancer, now when someone is ill I do panic myself as I always think the worse case scenario.  Anyway, what I actually wanted to say was that Wully had cancer of the gullet so it was trouble swallowing with him, however when he had his very first endoscope there were dozens of people literally there to have an endescope - it was like a conveyor belt.  One day when he was having his chemo I remarked on this to the nurse and asked how many people do you think got bad news that day like us?  She said very very few.  Most people it would be something else wrong and easily "fixed" by tablets, etc.  So while I know it is easier said than done try not to worry and I will be keeping everything crossed for you.

Lynne, you drive carefully today - I want you in one piece!!  And Pam, I hope your drive goes okay.  I love driving too and often find it clears my head and gives me space to think and cry of course sometimes. 

Now I can't remember what anyone else said but sending you all hugs.  I am off to do my chores before my house guests arrive :)

Gayle xxx

Thanks Gayle. I hear what you are saying and the rational side of me is telling me exactly what you just did. I told someone last night that people have been touched by cancer can become very insular and their lives are defined by cancer and cancer related illness. I have to try to let that go and not be so negative . Thank you dear friend.

I absolutely love the way young children can be so uninhibited and loving (so long as they are safe). Keep on doing what you 're doing Gayle and you will reap the benefits. I do understand what you are saying though and appreciate that you want stability for your boys. A house is just a building though. What matters is the love you and your family heap upon the boys. That means more than anything in this precarious world in which we live.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Just a quick post from work today.  I wanted to say welcome to Pammie if I didn't already.  You will find good friends on here to support you all the way through.  Gayle you seem to be a wonderful mother, don't ever doubt that.  Your little guys are adorable and it is great that they are so friendly.  Patricia, sending lots of angel hugs to you.  Judi welcome back, we missed you. 

This week has not been too bad except for the cold which is a hazard of my job.  Just hope it doesn't turn into another year like last winter when I was sick all winter.  I have now got two grief groups on the go for a few weeks, Mondays and Thursdays.  They are completely different and I am getting something from both and meeting others as well.  My Thursday one does go late as we all stay and chat after so Fridays are very tiring.

I am taking Tuesday and Wednesday off next week as sick days.  Tuesday was really the day, although Dan lasted until 12:15 so officially it was the 27.  I have made an appointment to take my car in for service on Tuesday and will go to a friend from my group's home for lunch on Wednesday.  I do find that when I have significant dates, I just need to crawl into my corner and be alone for a while.  Can't believe it is just about 1  year.  I still hate living alone and don't know if that will ever change but I will get used to it I guess.

Hope all are having an ok day and sending lots of hugs from Canada.

Just a quick post before work.  I have had a busy week and when I find it difficult to get on here and catch up with all of you I know it is a bad week.  I am setting off for Glasgow at about 1pm so watch out for me!

Pam I hope your drive helped.  I am not a bit surprised you are finding the company on here such a help as I have no idea what I would have done without their support since losing Chris.

Lynda welcome home from your travels.  It sounds like you have had a lovely time.

Patricia, take care and try not to worry too much.  Gayle is absolutely right - far more people get good news than bad.  Chris asked a similar question about that when he was ill and that is what we were told.

Gayle you are the best Mum your children could have.  Becky has a very stressful job and makes her own life very stressful as most of you know - to my cost usually.  She is the most badly affected by her Dad's death out of the 3 of my children as well.  I watch her worry about how she is taking care of Declan and she is so critical of herself.  I hear the same things in what you say about yourself.  I watch her over-compensating everyday so imagine you do the same.  Don't be so hard on yourself.  Your doing a wonderful job xxx

My laptop is playing up so I am finding it more difficult to get on here than usual so I will get that fixed after this weekend.  Take care.  Have a good weekend all of you I won't see in Glasgow.  See you others very soon.  Ailsa xxx

hi again penguins

i was hoping i could ask you a question that perhaps people with a little more time and experiance in this strange new world might be able to help with.

I have been thinking of taking the oncologist up on the offer to make an appointment and talk about what happened, any questions etc. It was very rapid after his diagnosis and thing were such a blurr. I have been left with many questions not least because i am a doctor and wonder alot of things maybe others might not, and wether that actually had any influance over his treatment either possitive or actually i fear negative, as i think my presence may have scared the junior doctors!!

Did any of you discuss things with the doctors afterwards? Did it help? or did it actually make things worse? any feed back would be helpful as i am in two minds what i should do.

Becky

Dear Becky

I had a appointment with Alan's haemotologist (he didn't have an oncologst because he had a blood cancer)     6 weeks after he died, at the doctor's invitation.  It was good to be able to put to rest any niggles, queries, etc that i might have had, and she was fantastic in answering questions. It also made me feel that Alan had been more than just 'another case' to them, and that they had truly seen him first and foremost as a person who happened to have cancer. She also made it clear  that their concerns were as much for the whole family as they were for the patient, so in my case it was a valuable appointment.

i still have an open appointment to return to the unit should I have any more questions or worries.

The choice has to be yours, but this was my experience.

sue xx

Hi Becky (and everybody else ) I too had an appointment with Gordons oncologist to ak "why " they had given him 1  to 2 years and he died 16 weeks later so i needed to know if anything  could have been done .. He was lovely with me , i'd always found him a little abrubt but he couldn't have been nicer with me , and answered everything i asked , he tried to make me see that there was nothing else i could have done but i still think "what if "" . but it did help .. I can now pass him in the hospital corridor (i work there ) without wanting to kill him now and he always asks me how i am .. So i would say go for it . Just a quick one , i'll be on my way soon .. Sorry to the ones that cant make this meet but there will be others ..

 Take care all Lynne xxxx

Have a lovely time in Glasgow this weekend girls - sorry I can't make it after all........But I'm sure there will be other chances......

Love and ((((hugs)))) to all

Dot xxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi all

l must have been one of the unlucky ones.  No-one at the hospital even tried to contact me after Martin went.  They were the ones who said that it was only a small tumour and that it could be treated.  Even after the weeks went on and I kept telling them that things were not right, they still insisted that it did not grow that quick.  Well they were wrong and I was right.  No-one at any time told us how ill Martin really was until the last time he was rushed into hosptial and he died 10 days afterwards. That was 5 months from his diagnosis and I really thought I would have had at least a couple of years.  I would have thought that they would have had the courtesy to explain things to me afterwards, but then I don't think he got quality of care when he was under them so why am I suprised.  When I am feeling stronger I am going to write to Pals setting out the treatment he had, or more to the point, did not have.  It will not give me closure but might help with the anger I still feel,

On a more positive note, I have had a good day today.  Actually woke up happy and have had a better day than I have had since Martin left.  But then, when you realise that you are feeling good it makes you guilty as you feel you are being disloyal.  I know this is silly, and Martin would be happy to see me happy but that does not help.  I can't say I haven't cried at all today, or that I have not felt lonely, or that this mood will continue till bedtime.  But some respite has made me feel that I will get through this and one day I will wake up and find I might be able to stop swimming.

Take care all you lovely Penguins and those of you who are travelling to Glasgow, have a really great time.

Love and ((((((((((huts))))))))))))))))

Pam