My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Oh Pam - I have no words of wisdom to add to Rosemary's so will just leave you a comforting ((((((((((hug)))))))))) xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hello everyone,

Pam, you did so well today to do some "normal" stuff.  Please go easy on yourself.  Our wise Judi made some excellent comments.  You should be very proud of yourself for being able to do these things as has it has only been weeks for you.  I think I started going out the house about 4 weeks after my husband died because I went back to work.  My work is the only thing that keeps me sane (and has done for many years).  In fact my boss and I were having a laugh today saying how crap my personal life is and that life would be great if I just became a workaholic and didn't have a personal life.

Patricia, sending you big hugs.  I'm sorry to hear that you are not doing too good. 

I am struggling a bit the past two days.  I feel like I am walking about in a big rage ready to explode at someone (usually the boys).  As you have probably guessed I have split up with my boyfriend (again).  Yes it is for the best and to be honest I thought I would be feeling a bit better about it all now but it just gets worse.  I miss him loads and I am probably about to have one of those toddler tantrums now and say why me?  Why for once can it not all just go right and have worked out for me.  It wasn't a bad split but we just can't resolve it as far as I can see.  I have been avoiding him all weekend as he is still phoning every day and of course he hasn't phoned today and I wished he had as I wanted to hear his voice.  What a mess and sorry for moaning on here as I know its not exactly appropriate.  Roll on the weekend and some real penguin hugs.

Gayle xxx

p.s. Sorry but I have to say this - Rosemary, you look so like Cherie Blair!!!  I had been racking my brains (okay one brain cell) to think who it was you reminded me of and that is who it is!!  You can tell me off on Friday :)  xx

((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))) Gayle.............xxxxxxxxxxx

Gayle, you know by now that anything goes on here when it comes to airing our feelings. So sorry things are not going too well for you at the moment but hopefully they will start to improve soon. (((((((hugs)))))))

Pam, it was lovely to hear that you managed to do some relatively normal things. Isn't it strange though how quickly that feeling of happiness can dissipate (oops I think I swallowed the dictionary lol).  I am not sure if this is helpful but I used to find that I would go to various places with people but somehow I was in a far distant place in my head. This is now improving and I don't disappear inside my head quite so often now.  Anyway, well done on making that first step. I think it was my body's way of coping and protecting me. (I may be wrong about that though and maybe I am just a loon).

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Hi Everyone, 
Our lovely Sue has asked me to let you all know that she has no internet at the moment, she had to unplug it all for the builders and can't put it back together again. 

Love and (((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))) for you all.
Quill xxxxxxxxxx 

Thanks Patricia.  I hope things improve soon too :)  I think I understand what you are saying to Pam about disappearing in your head.  I often feel that I am looking at life through a window.  Like looking into a busy house full of people and happiness and I am outside looking through the glass.  You can hear and see what is going on around you but never truly feel a part of it.  Sending you hugs.

Thanks Quill for lettiing us know about Sue - was worrying where she was!  Hope you are doing okay too.

Gayle xx

OK Miss Muffet (that's you Gayle lol) put the boyfriend on hold, put some glasses on (Cherie Blair, yeah right, at least it's better than Davina McCall someone said that once and I can't STAND the woman) Aunties Ailsa, Judi and Rosemary will counsel you this weekend and hopefully put parts of the world to rights - a bottle of Baileys never failed to be of help with this of course.  I'm having my haircut on Wednesday in honour of my meeting all the posh birds (any fella's?) over the border so you won't recognise me - meantime I will have to go as it's to early and I'm typing with a limp at the moment.  Have a good day all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

More hugs Patricia, I'll bring them into your head and we'll share a nice cup of tea xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Oh Rosemary, I wondered why I woke up with a headache. Have you been having a party in my head without telling me????

Oooo a new hairdo eh? Tres chic. So tell me, who do you aspire to be mistaken for now??? lol

Wishing all you penguins old and new the best day you can have.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Hi all

Rosemary, thank you for your kind words. I hope for the time when I can be in the place where I can bob up sooner.  At the moment it seems so far away.  

Patricia, I know what you mean about being inside your head.  It is if you are on the inside looking out on another life.  A life that does not really include you anymore.  A life that is alien now.

And thanks again to all you penguins for all your support. 

I went to see some friends this morning and put on my happy face and it went well, it is suprising how false you can become and make people think you are doing fine.

I got home and cried and cried, I had to let the happy face slip, I had no strength left.  I looked at a picture of Martin and the same feelings came over me again, that this surely must be a bad dream, I just can't get it  into my head that I will not see him again. 

Everyone I know is so kind, and it helps for a while but it does not take long for me to sink back into my nightmare.

I am crying again, and will do so for a long time yet, but being on this site is helping me, yes honestly, although perhaps I do not sound like it is.

All you penguins giving all those (((((hugs))))). 

I am determined to keep swimming......................

Love and hugs

Pam x

Dear Pam - just wanted to send you the biggest, squishiest ((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))) to comfort you............

Dot xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx