My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Dear Pam

If this group of lovely folks weren't already 'penguins' I'd have called them 'weebles' - not for their shape you understand - but for their ability to wobble and not fall down.......There is always someone ready to catch them when the wobbles start and we help one another to stay upright and on course!!!  But these penguins are friendly creatures and they envelop one another in their flippers and hold each other safe........So if/when you feel a wobble starting then crawl into the middle of the huddle for a while till it passes........We'll protect you and keep you safe.....

Love and many comforting ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

Dot xxxxxxxxxxx

Ahhhhhh - just lost a post :(

Dot, so good to have you back and glad you managed to have some fun on your travels and that Alan was able to do some walking.  I know that feeling well with tears streaming down your face and trying to be brave and hoping no-one notices.  You take care of yourself and sending you hugs.  Poor Judes is still in the dark ages without internet and is missing us all.  I can't wait to see her and the other penguins next weekend.  Pam, I am so glad you are finding this thread a support.  I too have lots of great friends and family but until you have walked a day in our shoes no-one can understand.  You couldn't even describe this grief process to someone in my opinion.  Sadly you are going to have lots of these moments that you are describing.  Change in seasons, change in weather and various "firsts" but we will be here to hold your hand.  They do get easier.  I remember someone describing the tearful moments like big crashing waves that come frequently and totally engulf you.  They never disappear but they become much smaller and less frequent.  The strangest things also set me off still.  I was watching the closing ceremony of the commonwealth games and the soundtrack that the bbc had put on was a special song to my husband and left me sobbing.

Well I am pretty fed up today.  Fed up with this stupid house situation.  I like my house just so and I am living surrounded by boxes with all my nice things packed away and I am really starting to hate it.  I feel I have let the boys down as my job is to look after them and keep them safe and this is all so unsettling (although typical boys they probably haven't even noticed).  Just wish I had a date to move.

Anyway enough of my moans.  Hope all the penguins are well.

Gayle xxx

Great big hugs to EVERYONE. It appears to me that several of you are really in need of support right now. This includes those who are regular posters and those who hover in the background until they feel either the inclination or need to post. I have done that so often on other threads and then suddenly jumped in with both feet fearing rejection and finding only love and support. I cannot believe just how wonderful people are throughout the site. It saddens me (as it did Ray) when I see how many new people are joining each day due to being affected in one way or another by cancer.

Take care dear penguins. Welcome back Dorothy. Hurry back Judes we miss you.

Sorry for this wierd post but just needed to write.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Wierd post Patricia, nothing is wierd in this world we now live in all is acceptable - big hug for you dearest, I think sometimes you are the one in most need and the least likely to admit it! xxxx

Pam so glad you are getting support from us here, family and friends are lovely but .... anyway glad we can be of comfort.  I smiled a bittersweet smile for you doing the bins etc, I don't know how many times I cried as I walked back up the drive from putting the bins out, it was always Steve's job too, he would wander down and have a "Hammy" (Hamlet cigars), almost like doing the last dog walk of the eveniing, anyway that job now falls to me of course and I am used to it at last - having said that there is still the moments when I can wobble a bit just remembering.  All the tears, wobbly moments and even the smiles that you go through now are going to heal the huge, gaping hole you feel at the moment, there will be scarring that no-one can see but we all kkow is there, but it means you can carry on and you will get through it all, it's like grasoing the nettle, not pleasant but only one way to deal with it and it hurts.  (Sorry rambling, it's late and I need a large Baileys or two tonight)

Becky glad you also find comfort in reading our very own soap stories, of course we don't mind you being there in the background, join in when and if you want to or are ready, just promise that if the wobbles get too hard you hang on to the sparkly rope and let us pull you up!

Hugs and huddles to you all (oh and glad you are back with us Dot and had a good time away), sleep tight - off to open the Baileys now for anyone who wants to join me, have plenty to go round so see you all in a minute on the ledge xxxxxxxxxxxx

Tap, tap, tap ......... I am very quietly tapping on your screens .... am at work and daren't make much noise. 

Judes here - Hi Pammie and Becky - I just had to quickly come on and post - I want to wrap you both up in a huge hug.  I won't tell you just now that things will get easier to deal with, or that time will heal .... beause I know quite how irrelevant and maddening that could sound to me a year ago (in fact sometimes even a month ago!!)  ...... so I know full well if I say that to you both you will smile, very politley, and inside be thinking "no, not me, it will never get better again".  So no words from me just now, hugs, tissues and frendship and a very absorbent shoulder. 

Ok, maybe just ONE more week ladies and I will be back with you ...... YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HARD THIS IS (yes, I know I am shouting, but I really mean it) I have no dogs, my penguins are all somewhere doing something that I know nothing about - I don't know who is up and on a roll, who is down in the dolldrums - very disconcerting and highly inappropriate. 

Furniture arrives on Friday afternoon ...... Judes being Judes goes to Glasgow on Saturday!!!!  Well, you didn't think that a litlle thing like moving house was going to stop me syphoning Rosemary's Baileys did you??? Back to Aberdeen Sunday night and then ...... oh my oh my ...... parents arrive on Monday.   Although I am off for that week, I may well be doing that 'getting dressed in the morning and leaving the house, pretending to go to work thing' - my sanity will be sorely tested I know that.

But for now, I am just sending out the best vibes to all, old friends and new, and warning you that I WILL BE BACK, and sooner than you think.

Okay, will put the Excel spreadsheet back on the screen and no one here will ever know that I visiting the Ledge.

So much love, Judi xxxxxx

And then on

Judes - just come back online - miss you xx

JUDI..... how lovely to see you posting. We miss you and can't wait for you to return with all your pearls of wisdom.

Rosemary, you are so lovely and too perceptive for your own good x x x (I am indeed struggling with my emotions right now but I will survive)because I have no choice just like everyone else).

Dottee, 'smoked Rosemary indeed' it took me a few seconds to understand that but it then brought a smile to my face. Right now dear lady YOU are in need of lots of (((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))) and accept them you will ! ! !

Sue, you are very quiet and I somehow feel that this is a difficult period for you. ((((hugs)))) Please take care of yourself and don't wear yourself to a frazzle with your new venture.

Not long now before the Glasgow meet. I wish I could be with you but I am sure you will all have a fab time. I can't say have a 'drink' for me because I don't drink alcohol. So just enjoy yourselves.

I hope you all have the best day you can.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Dear Patricia

The massage was good as always so I'm actually feeling quite 'chirpy' just at present- nicely relaxed and smiley for a change.  Don't know how long it will last but hey ho will make the most of it!!!  So I think the ((((((hugs)))))) should be for you - sounds like you're in more need of them..........

Love and more comforting ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

Dot xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi all you lovely Penguins x.

Thought I would tell you about my day today.  Went shopping with my daughter this morning in Norwich.  Bought 3 tops from Matalan and 1 top from Next.  Had coffee at Costa Coffee and actually felt reasonably normal for a change.  Even thought I would take my daughter up on her invitation to go to our local club with them on Saturday.  Somewhere I have not been since.....................you know. Was talking to my daughter about perhaps thinking of a very part time job.  I cannot spend the winter doing nothing. It was fun being retired when Martin was here, but not so much fun now.

Got home and coloured my daughters hair all so normal don't you think. More normal than I had been since....................you know.

When she left at 3 to pick up my grandaughter I went round a friends for coffee.  A really good friend who lost her dear husband four years ago.  Had really not wanted to be on my own and thought it would be good to see Lin as like you lovely penguins, she knows the score.  Took the Bailies with me to put in the coffee. 

I left my friend and cried all the way home.  My earlier mood had completely dissapeared and I was so down.

It is teatime and I  am sitting down to a liquid tea and feeling so very blue.  So I have come on this thread .  I have just finished reading all the replies and realise that yes, it is early days and yes I must not look too far into the future, it is too frightening.  But, this morning, I did get a few hours in of some sort of normal.  I was thinking ahead.  I know I will probably not go to the club on Saturday and know I might not be ready for a job yet.  But the thought that I did have these ideas this morning gives me hope.

I have a habit of rushing into things.  Martin was always there to give me the rational I needed and to put things into perspective.  I have not got that now, I can do any unreasonable, empty headed thing I want to.  But I must keep in mind that it is early days now. But  I want to be where a lot of you are now.  Further down the line.  But I have to go through the grieving process and not try to rush things.

Yes, I will get to the club one day, yes I will get some sort of job one day, but I think I really need to take each hour, each day as it comes.  Cry when I need to and laugh without feeling guilty.  I miss my Martin so much, but I have to get through this.  I think I will with your help and your hugs.

Sorry for ratling on like this, but putting it down in words does help.  And knowing you lovely penguins will read this does help. 

Lots of love and ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) to you all

Pam xx

Oh Pam my love, well done for all the normal bits this morning, it is good to have that feeling isn't it?  As you say it will all happen in time and it's great that you could think about it, at the moment it is one hour at a time and one day at a time, but gradually it will get longer and your poor exhausted heart and brain will be able to take on a bit more.  Often our 'up' times are followed by a crashing wave of emotion, but the good news is that as we battle on through it all we find that although the wave crashes over our heads we do bob up a bit sooner after a time and keep swimming.  The time between the waves crashing gets longer and we find we can cope more.  Hope this helps a little, wish we were closer to give you a proper cuddle and let you talk it out - but at least on here you can pour it out whereas I always find face to face I rarely say anything I need to.

Lots of love and hugs xxxxxx