My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Dear Pam,

Well done on making it to your friends' in the first place - you probably wouldn't have been able to do that a couple of weeks ago. The resulting meltdown is something with which we are all too familiar, so I echo Dot's squishy hugs (she's really good at them, believe me, have had some real ones from her!!) they are sent from the heart.

hang on in there - keep swimming

sue xx

I haven't been much use on here just recently have I? But I just wanted to send a hug to Pam... So sorry you have to join us, but glad that you have found us. The lovely folks on here have got me through so much, don't know where I would be without them!

Well, H and I made it through the anniversary in one piece - it was hard, but all the messages I had from you guys really did help. You were pretty much the only ones who contacted us, or even acknowledged what we were going though :( It's all been a bit up and down since then!

I went for my monitoring at the hospital last week and my blood count was pretty dire, but they agreed to wait and see if there is any improvement rather than just put me onto treatment - phew!!! Fingers croseed it's on the up of it's own accord...

I had some very sad news today too about the daughter of a friend. The lady who cleans my offices and I got quite close after Miles died, she was so very supportive... Her daughter was diagnosed with a brain tumour last December and they told her recently there is nothing else they can try, she only has a very short time left now. She is only 35, and the saddest part is she will be leaving behind an 11 year old daughter who has already lost her Dad. It's just so very, very cruel :(

Hope everyone is ok - I might not write too often, but I think of you all often. Much love to you all,

Manda xx

Hi Manda

I've just been reading your message and really must get some new specs.....I thought I read you'd had a blond (?) count.  So with heavy duty specs on and nose almost on the monitor I re-read that bit!!!!  Sorry - I shouldn't really be making fun (but I hope you smiled at my stupidity?) and sorry too that you have the prospect of treatment hanging over you..............So I do wish you well and hope that it doesn't have to happen.

Then I read of your friend's daughter.....how very very sad that someone so young (actually the same age as Son Number 1) should be told that there is no more treatment to be given. Cruel indeed!!!!  There are no words to express my sadness..........

((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))

Dot xxxxxxxxxxxx

Thanks Dot, it is awful. Miles was only 40 and I thought that was bad enough, and at least I am still here for H and we can help eachother through. My heart really is breaking for them, puts my grumpy thoughts about my treatment into perspective... xxx

Evening everyone.  I have missed you all so much.  Lynne & Manda, what tragic news from you both.  I hope you are both okay.  I have been speed reading the last couple of pages as it is a bit late for me to finally get some peace & time to get on here.  I think I will have a little more time tomorrow but Becky hands over the keys to the other house on Friday so she has gone to Bracknell leaving me babysitting for Declan until then.  I think that in a weeks time my busy, busy few months might finally come to an end and let me rest up a bit.  What a good way to finish by meeting up in Glasgow - I can't wait.

Judi it is lovely to hear from you - see you at the weekend.  Pam & Becky I have read your posts as well - it is so good to hear from you both again.  I will read everything much better tomorrow evening but in the meantime - lots of ((((((hugs)))))) to you both and to everyone else I have missed so much these last few days.  Welcome home from your travels Dot - it's getting a bit cold outside for much walking now.  I feel so much better now I have been on here this evening - I have been feeling some of the old anxious me creeping back in this past week so I need to pull myself together.  Best place to start is by getting some sleep so goodnight for now.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

HI all you lovely penguins.

Well, I have binned the idea of reading all the posts on this thread.  It is so long I will not have the energy to read them all.  But I have been reading the posts since I joined this thread and did not realise that it had only been just over a week.  I feel that I have been speaking to you all for a long time and was so suprised that it is such a short time. 

You all seem like friends I have know forever and that is such a good feeling.

You have helped me get through each day.  Have made me cry and made me smile and made me feel that there will be light at the end of the tunnel one day.

You all enjoy meeting up at the weekend and have a drink on me. (Bailies of course) Perhaps one day in the future when I am stronger I can join you and put faces to the names of all you lovely  penguins,

Good night and God Bless to you all. 

Love

Pam (still swimming like mad)

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) to you all

Big hug and a life raft for you Pam, so glad we feel like friends to you and you definitely are to us too.  I met my first group of penguins only this month (had been on here over a year then!) and it was so amazing, like we had all known each other forever and everyone was just as they seemed - so one day, when you are ready it would be lovely to have you along.  Swim like mad, but hop in the life raft for a while when you need a rest and we'll tug you along for a while! xxxxx (Huddles, ledges and speedboats whatever next!)

Morning everyone,

Well it is very cold here today - the penguins heading north better wrap up!!  I am so tired today as I didn't sleep a wink.  I think I was over tired so I went to bed early and of course slept for about 3 hours and was then wide awake.  My bed is calling me now so hopefully manage a wee cat nap before I pick the kids up at 3.  I am feeling a little less restless about things today but probably because I am back in angry mode again lol.  I think I prefer that to feeling sorry for myself as when I am angry I don't back down.  But I know that when I see my penguins it will all be forgotten.  Thanks for the message Rosemary although I am a little scared at facing the firing squad of you Judes, Ailsa and Lynne!!!  But I am sure you will tell me the right thing to do (for me to do the opposite :)).  I can't wait to see you all (oh and your new shiny hair do!).

Pam, I am so glad you are getting comfort from this thread.  It would take forever to read from the start again.  I think I tried it months ago and gave up.  It does sound cheesy and soppy but I couldn't have survived without these penguins.  Out of all this mess this is one of the positives to happen - friends for life and like Rosemary says (when you are strong enough), the meets we have are great fun and a good support.  I remember my first one when I met Lynne and I think we were both nervous as neither of us had just gone off and met someone from the internet but we clicked instantly (like with all the other penguins) and talked non stop like we had known each other years.  I hope you have an okay day today and sending you hugs.

Ailsa, you sound very tired so I hope you manage to get a rest before your drive up on Friday.  We will all meet you at the hotel around 7.30 at the latest hopefully and we can either stay there for a meal or come to my house for a while.  Amanda, I hope your health is okay and that you get good news and that is terribly sad about your news.  I am 35 and you can't even imagine the pain and anguish the poor woman is going through.  I think being a mum in a situation like that would be your worst living nightmare.  Sending you hugs and sorry you can't make it this time but hopefully we will arrange one for early in the new year again.

Patricia, Dot, Lynne, Sue, Fiona, Judes, Helen, Lynda, Dave and all other penguins (I am sure I have missed someone important?), sending you all a big penguin hug.

Gayle xxx

Oh forgot to say Pam, we are all on Facebook and have a private penguins group on there too if you were on and wanted to add us?

Gayle xxx