My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Dear Pam,

so sorry that you are feeling so down - there is something about weekends that  brings home the loneliness and the 'alone-ness', which I think are two separate things.  Even though Alan used to go to local football every Saturday afternoon during the season, and I would be on my own at home, he always came back at 5-ish. It's hard, honey, but you will become accustomed to the new 'normal' because you don't have any choice. Sorry, I know it sounds blunt, but  I really understand and empathise, as i know that the rest of girls (and Dave!) do as well.

We were going to be Darby and Joan as well ; Alan had been retired 9 months when he became ill, and no , it is bloody well not fair. You weren't being complacent or smug; you were living your lives together in love and happiness, and , as for all of us, this cruel disease has robbed us of what was to be a wonderful chapter of our lives.

However, it is as it is.

As our Helen says, keep swimming - the alternative is not an option.

Sue xx

Pam, Ray used to sing the song witht her words 'will you still need me, will you still feed me when I'm 64' and we used to laugh and say 'of course' never dreaming that our lives would change so dramaticaly. Poor man never got past the age of 54 so he was truly robbed. I sometimes look longingly at elderly couples and feel extreme sadness for what has been taken from me. But then I feel guilty for envying them their happiness. I should be glad for them but it is so hard to be generous when I feel so robbed. I do hope that in time you can start to feel just a little bit more settled and manage to carve a 'new' life for yourself. Your lovely husband Martin will always be in your thoughts and just a heartbeat away when you are doing things. I take my hat off to you for being able to do some of the clearing and sorting that  you have done. It has taken me a very long time to be able to do anything like that. I am still, even now, struggling to do things that we would have been doing together.  Take of yourself Pam, and climb into the middle of this loving penguin huddle. We will surround you and keep you safe until you feel able to resurface, hopefully feeling a little stronger and more able to face the world in your new role.

Rosemary, I hope you have now freshened up after your busy day.

Well my dear penguins, I hope those of you who have been imbibing are now feeling a little better. Have the best week-end you can. As for me, work calls so I guess I better get organised. Oh well, someone has to do it (but why me lol).

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Thank you for holding me in the middle of the muddle as i lie to call it , i think its appropriate for me lol .. Obviously i'm feeling better now the job situation has been settled , every 3 years this happens , the hopital put the contract out to tender , we worry till its settled but this time we've been given a extension to the contract even before it ends so you can imagine the bosses we're over the moon as we was to have it settled . As one of the bosses was telling us on friday he actually got that emotional he cried , obviously set a few more of us off too , and thats why he took us out and bought all night. It was such a good night with everybody in a good mood and they just kepw thanking us for working so hard that they didn't have to put another tender in .. nice to be appriciated , especially after the bad week i'd had . Anyway hugs to all , glad your posting Pam , it really does help . Thanks for the text , they do keep me going . Out with a couple of friends tonight but it wont be a late one as i have a all day christening tommorw , oh dear xx  6 sleeps

Have a good sat evening xxx

Take care xxxxx Lynne xxxx

Evening everyone,

Pam, you are completely right in your feelings.  I was 33 when my husband died 16 months ago and I too feel robbed.  I look at couples everywhere and it makes me angry and I am often known to have toddler tantrums on here.  I go to the school gates and see mums picking up their kids and imagine then going off home to make their husbands dinner, plan their weekends, plan their futures and I still often think - why me?  Why can't I have that?  Who knows why and it is bloody unfair and you come on here and rant all you like as it does help and we completely understand.  My husband knew he wouldn't live past 5 years from diagnosis and we talked a lot about it.  He said it was just the cards we are dealt and that our lives were to take different paths from each other.  I do believe everything happens for a reason but cant for the life of me see what that is.  Its not all doom and gloom though, as you will learn to live with this new life (as someone says we have no choice).  Its not the life we want but we have to make the most of it.  it is very early days for you and their is no timescale for when you will feel more settled but I promise you, you will. 

Well I was a bit delicate today.  Out with the girls and probably had a few too many but it has been such a rough week that I needed a blow out.  It was good fun at the time and I had a little chuckle this morning as I had to pick the boys up from my mums and got a row lol.  Felt like a teenager again trying to act normal and not hungover as my mum would lecture me :)  Had a nice day with the boys as some of you would notice on FB that Jamie decided to teach Ewan how to go a bike (sad that is not his dad doing it).  So they shouted me to watch and I was so proud as Jamie helped him on and then Ewan set off, only he then got faster and faster - downhill!!  Of course he doesn't know how to stop so ended in a heap wrapped up in the bike.  Had a short cry then wanted to do it again!  Boys - they drive me mad.  I also have a swivvle chair in the living room that they trapped me on (when did they get so big?) and had me twirling full speed on.  Not good with a hangover I can tell you!  But it made me chuckle.  They are hard work but they make everything so worthwhile.  We then had a chippie for our tea and watched Toy Story so it ended up a not bad day.  Tomorrow I will have to get stuck into work so will be busy busy.  Keeps me out of mischief.  Was feeling blue tonight as I should have moved yesterday and have been sitting in my new house and of course still don't know when I will be.  But just got to keep swimming!

Hope you are all having the best weekend you can.

Gayle xxx

p.s. Lynne, I am so sorry to hear about your neighbours son.  I hope you are okay this weekend xxx

I am so glad I stumbled onto this thread.  You do help me so much.  Your kind words, your hugs and the knowledge that you really do know what I am going through. 

I am destraught now, I am crying and crying now, I am hating my life now,...

But I know I will get there in the end.  I know I will get to that some sort of 'normal'.  As you say, what choice have we got. They wanted to live and could not, we can live and should.

So yes, I will keep swimming, it must be better than drowning

So thank you for your (((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))) and lots of ((((((hugs))))))))) to everyone who is feeling like me right now.

God bless you all.

Love and hugs

Pamxxxxxxxx

I am so sorry you are so distraught this morning Pam.  But I think the crying helps much as it is very painful and so unfair.  I am sending you big hugs xxxx

hello again penguins

I have written onyour forum before but mainly been following your stories without posting which I hope you don't mind.

I have reached the milestone of 3 months since I sat with my husband as he passed away. It has been such a strange time both long and short in ways too hard to describe. I am having a settled sort of day today despite the date. The tears still flow several times a day often without warning, more if I don't have company.

It still seems so strange that life can go on without my Mark being in it. I am not sure wether these feelings ever go. I know i must carry on because that is what he wanted but it feels so strange and wrong. The worst has to be the enevitable thoughts of the future which keep comming into your head, no matter how much i wish they wouldn't. The things I promised him and myself that I would do for him because he couldn't do them. I am not sure if any of you had similar promises to keep and if you could tell me how they went?

you are all, as Pam has said a good thing to read because you have mainly come through this yourselves and are clearly finding your lives again. so i will keep reading if that is ok (though it feels a little rude especially when i don't write).

keep going all of you, thankyou, and big hugs

Becky

Dear Becky,

It is indeed the strangest of times. I am 16 months 'down the line' and life is still somewhat surreal. I know it sounds a cliche but it is early days for you yet  (sorry - I used to want to scream when that was said to me,  but 'tis true!).

Thinking ahead is just so hard, but it comes about almost without realizing it. I am now able to commit myself to doing things next month, or even next year, and also to embark on decorating the house  - things that Alan had said he wanted to do 'when this nightmare is over, and I'm better', which of course was not the way it happened. 

We have all coped in our different ways, some seemingly  more quickly  than others, but i think that the main thing that we have in common is our penguin-ness - if you've read back through the thread, you'll know what I mean.  We are here to share feelings and  worries, rant, rave, ask advice, and even have a laugh or two.  Please feel free to just read if you wish, and to join in as and when you want to; someone will always come back to you and I hope like the rest of us that you will benefit from the shared support on offer.

Take care

Sue xx

Hi girls

My wandering days are over..........for this year!!!  I need to start saving up now for next year....We've several places in mind to visit - just have to choose one.....or two.....or three......

Sorry - where are my manners?  Pammie I must add my welcome too to this wonderful little group of penguins....so so sorry we have to meet in this way.  (((((hugs))))) to comfort you xxx

And Becky too....as Sue has said it's OK to just read and join in when you're ready to.......Or when you need a ((hug)) xx

We've enjoyed our time away in Seahouses and Alan has done more walking than I thought he would be able to........but then we were on the coast and he loves boats and fishing and anything to do with the sea!!!!  (For Pam and Becky - my hubby - Alan - has Multiple Myeloma and has had surgery to replace a damaged vertebra in his neck.....my profile is there for you to read if you wish......)  In my own way I too am grieving for a lost shared future as Alan can't do as much as he would like to.  He did manage to walk with me down (and up) a 1 in 4 slope from the car park to get to Housesteads Roman Fort on Hadrian's Wall.....We had permission to use the car to get up there but he wanted to walk!!!  Then realised he'd 'bitten off more than he could chew' - so to speak!!!  Anyway he did make it back on foot - but oh boy!!  did he suffer later that day....and the next.......So it was out with the new magic liquid (Oxynorm) and a couple of doses of that put him right.  Course then he thinks he's Superman!!!  And you can guess the rest............

I did manage to get out by myself and one morning walked down the coast to the next village - a couple of miles each way......It was good to be striding down the road with no-one to think of but me (selfish b***h).  .And anyway no-one can tell if you're crying when there's a cold wind and spots of rain in your face can they??

Pam, Becky, Sue, Bren, Manda, Lynne, Patricia, Gayle, Fiona, Rosemary (never tried smoked Rosemary - do you think it will catch on?), and where's Judes? - I'm missing chuckling at your stories.......sorry if I've missed anyone out.........sending you all lots of love and huge (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) to comfort you all

Dot xxxxxxxxxxx

Hi, all you wonderfull people,

I do not want to take away the help and support I have had from friends and family, but I think this thread will save my life.  No, I am not being dramatic, but you are all so positive and when you are down there are always many, many friends to cheer you up and put you back on your feet.

I took my youngest grandchild to Norwich today, with my son-in-law's mother, Vi. She lost her husband in April, about the same time as Martin was diagnosed with Stomach Cancer. We had a good day in Norwich and I went back to hers for a coffee.  All was going well until I went into her bathroom, and I could have cried.  Martin and I tiled her bathroom last year when he was well and it brought it all back to me.  I know that things like this are going to happen to me time and time again and I came back really low.  I put the dustbin out, something Martin always did.  Yesterday I stripped the greenhouse of all Martin's beloved tomato plants to put the garden furniture in there, something Martin always did, and I recon I will be doing a lot of things in the near future that Martin always did.  But one thing that was different when I got home today, I was able to log onto this wonderful thread and get so much encouragement and hugs.

So to all you wonderfull people, I now give you lots of (((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) and I think, with your help, I might be able to keep swimming

Love

Pam xx