My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

dot - here's a huge hug for you as well - i'm sure that your black void will become full of interesting things to do. Just take a day at a time, and it will happen. xx

A hug is a great gift - one size fits all, and it's easy to exchange.

sue xx

Hi everyone

Ailsa sending you big hugs xxxx Hope you manage today then you can spend tomorrow how you wish getting on with your jobs xxx

Gayle hugs to you too, hope everything gets sorted today xxxx

All these things seem ten times worse then they would have a year or so ago, but I feel so lucky we have all met and thankful for the support we offer each other. It means so much.

Yes I had a lovely night and G got on great with my friends.He has gone home now and I am having a very lazy day but missing him already. Mad or what!! Damn rollercoaster of a different type!!!

Judi I understood exactly what you were saying! Priorities and things of importance definitely change. Material things mean very little.

Well I am off to laze on the couch and watch last nights X Factor.

Hugs to everyone

Helen xxxxxx

Evening All, Some of us seem to be down just now, i don't know what is wrong with me my back is sore just now, it bothers me off and on just taking painkillers but like Gayle they end up making me feel worse, i am also  so tired just now feel like just staying in my bed i have an under active thyroid i  must get checked as that could be the reason i feel this way.  Gayle i hope you feel better in the morning and sorry to hear about the bother you are having with the caravan. Sending everybody else a big hug and think i will go to bed and hopefully feel better tomorrow. Fiona xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Evening everyone.  I hope I didn't bring us all down earlier.  The bbq went okay today although it was so windy I only did the burgers outside so i could say it had been a bbq!!!.  I cheated and did everything else in the oven.  Declan seems to have had a lovely weekend and been thoroughly spoiled so objective achieved.  Fiona if you think there may be a problem with your thyroid you should take yourself straight off to the doctors and get it checked.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

Morning all , Glad you had a good time at the BBq Ailsa , and no you didn't bring anyoone down , i think a few of us we're down anyway , i think its like Rosemary said , the change of the season ? more "moving on" . what ever it is i dont like it but hey ho in Helens words keep swimming xx I knew your friends would get on with G how could they not ? Have a good time at the music festival today . I remember last year when you went to your festival and i went to mine here , but i had to phone my youngest son up to collect me and take me to the church yard so hopefully i will be able to stay to watch a few more of the bands this year .

 Gayle so glad you got sorted at the A and E , you poor thing , all thiose days of pain , hopefully you'll be  alot better today after your rest hun .xx

 I was out with my bessie friend yesterday , the one who was called away on fri as her sister had been rushed into hospital , well it has been confirmed as cancer and the doctor was very blunt with her sister and just said "theres a mass on her bladder , its cancer and it seems to be the aggresive kind so there is nothing we can do " . she was on her own at the time and completely went to pieces ( understandably) she sent for her sisters and her husband but of course the damage was done then , why do some doctors just not get it? . Anyway they now have to wait untill tues for her to have a biopsy to see where they go from there . I feel so so sorry for my friend as its her younger sister and she's distraught . We went out for a lttle but but we drank diet coke , yes diet coke , none of us wanted to drink it was mainly to chat .

Thanks for listening when i was having my bad day on sat , xx where would i be without you all . Hugs and love to all , have a good bank holiday monday xxx

Morning girls

Hope the world is looking a bit better for you today??  Just in case here's some (((((((((hugs))))))))) for you all........I have no words of wisdom - or any others - to add to what is already said.........

Take care and I hope you can all have an easy day with sunshine

Love and more (((((((((hugs))))))))))))

Dot xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Morning everyone,

Thank you for all the texts yesterday (and sorry for worrying you Lynne lol).  I had just been feeling worse since Saturday afternoon and by yesterday morning I had a temperature and just generally felt rubbish.  Couldn't stop crying.  Poor Jamie, I started crying in front of him and he was all worried and asked what was wrong so I told him I didn't feel well and he gave me a big hug then held my hand and got me a hankie.  Ewan attempted singing me a song to make me feel better lol.  I phoned NHS24 and they sent me to the out of hours gp.  It was a nightmare as my dad was away with his car so I had to drive myself and drop the kids off at my mums so that made me feel worse because I was on my own and  poor Lynne text me just as I was sitting at A&E feeling very sorry for myself.  At the out of hours they basically said they thought I had an infection but they didn't know what one so I would have to go to my doctor and that they couldn't take it out!  I started crying and said well why am I here - what exactly are you doing?  Stupid NHS.  Anyway she then saw how much pain I was in and how distressed I was and phoned the hospital and the gynecologist told me to go right over.  So I went to the ward and he was lovely and we had a long chat about it and then he took it out.  I felt the pain better within minutes of it coming out.  He reckoned that I probably didn't have an infection but the symptons I was having were just a reaction to my body not liking a foreign object in it.  He said it might settle in 2-3 weeks but there was no way I was going to take that chance and put up with it.  So I feel a bit better today - was up a few times during the night with upset stomach and nausea but I reckon its just my body having been mucked about and it will take a few days to settle back down.  The pain is a million times better and I just feel a bit sensitive now but not in agony.  So back to the drawing board of why I needed it in the first place but I can cope with that!

Ailsa, Declan's birthday sounded great and don't feel you made people feel down.  We are all here to share good moods and bad times and I know I couldn't survive without venting on here.  Where else can we and who else understands but our lovely penguins.  Helen, glad Saturday went well and I know what you mean about the new rollercoaster.  I am like that with my boyfriend although he has been amazing this week and will get the biggest cuddle ever when he gets home on Thursday.  Its okay to tell me loves me but I can now see that he does really care about me by his actions.  Poor guy got snapped at yesterday as he phoned before I went and said he wished he was with me and of course I said I didn't.  But he was fine when he phoned later and I told him I was sorry - I was just upset and sore. 

Fiona, hope you are feeling a wee bit better in yourself soon.  Lynne, that is terrible news about your friends sister.  I think many consultants just see patients as an illness and number and forget that they are people with loving families.  I know when Wully was first diagnosed we were told the worse possible news but he had another almost 5 years.  The last year wasn't good but the years before that were okay and we were forever grateful for that.  So who knows.  Cancer is so unpredictable.  Thanks for the good advise Patricia and I hope you are doing okay.  I know you have been feeling down and I (like us all) wish we could do more to help.

Anyway, I better go and do some work.  I am just going to work from home all week and take it easy.  I'm going to Manchester on Saturday with my friend to see my favourite band and we are both very excited so I need to feel much better by then.

Gayle xxx

Lynne so sorry to hear about your friend`s siter. What a prat of a doctor!! How do they keep their jobs!!!!!! Hope she gets answers on Tuesday. Yes I remember last year, it was all still so soon after wasnt it. The friends I go out with today were really close friends of Pauls so we all had tears. Hopefully be ok today. Nat is coming too and hopefully Liam when he finally returns from Leeds! Got a quick text off him Saturday night so at least he s still alive and kicking lol!!

Ailsa you didnt bring anyone down, that s what we re all here for xxxxx Glad your `bbq` was a good day. It was really windy here too!!

Gayle so glad you re feeling better this morning, you poor thing. Take it easy today.

Well Ladies and Dave I start my new job officially tomorrow!! Scary pie lol!! Looking forward to it but nervous too. Sure it ll be great once I get into it. I will meet the girl I work with in my room tomorrow too as she has been off sick.

Have a good bank holiday everyone

Just keep swimming!!!!!

Helen xxxx

Oh Gayle - I'm so very sorry to hear that you finished up in A and E yesterday.......and with unhelpful docs too.  But you did find a good doc in the end and I hope your pain has become easier now.  Bless your wee boys for 'looking after' you in their own way............

Love and a comforting (((hug))) for you all

Dot xxxxx

Ok where did my post go from last night?  Now I'm thinking did I post it, did I even write it or just dreamt of you all and posted in a cyberdream?  All very wierd.  I have been having some wierd dreams of late, not scary or anything just raise the eyebrows wierd and wonder where that came from type!  (Must get some more Baileys, purely medicinal of course)

Ailsa, Judi, Lynne and Patirica thank you for your texts of late it so helps knowing you lot are all there and understand so much, bless you.  Trouble is it all goes on in my head and then gets stuck if I want to let it out.  So much going on in there at the moment and the in-law situation doesn't help much, although he has now seen the pain specialist and will hopefully get some relief in a few days (only a human gets left for so long in so much pain) and mother in law isn't having her knee op now so that will be good in one way although she is also in quite a lot of pain too. 

Gayle I so wish I hadn't reassured you, you poor thing and how lovely of the boys to try to help you, glad the doctor sorted it though.  Any chance of getting to see a gynacologist to get properly sorted,

Lost the plot again now but I think I have read everyones news so have been thinking of you and replying in my head, sending you lots of love and hugs.  No Baileys left but hot chocolate on offer for those who need it, the ledge is open with duvets at the ready to snuggle into or hide under.  xxxxxxxxx