My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

My word, can you lot talk!!!!

well, I'm back from wet and windy west Cornwall, complete with the mobile phone that i didn't think I'd taken with me but found under the seat in the car . A fat lot of use it was as there was hardly any signal down there, but it's a bit like a security blanket - even if it doesn't work, it's good to have it with you!

Have had some proud mummy moments tonight - the drama group which alice set up in memory of her dad celebrated it's first birthday with a showcase, which she produced as well as acted, sang and danced in.  it was a huge success, and extremely funny - he would have been so very proud. i'm sure i could hear his chuckle at times.

I'll have to catch up on everyone's posts tomorrow - too tired tonight, my brain is still driving! 

love to all, have a lovely bank holiday weekend

sue xx

Hi Sue, glad the show was good and you must be very proud, sleep well catch up with you on facebook....xxxx

Thanks, C - will call on you next time i'm down - possibly end of september? will be in touch

sue xx

Morning everyone xx

Hugs to you Fiona, glad you made it there and back safely. Yes the house is very quiet without Liam, hope they re all enjoying Leeds. Sure they are!! Nat has been staying at friends houses too so had a couple of days on my own so like you say something we need to get used to.

Sue welcome back, sure someone said your phone would be in your car lol!!!

What s everyone doing this bank holiday? Like I said I m out for a meal tonight with friends, think Nat wants to go the gym and swim this afternoon so might be the kick start I need to get back into it. Then we re off to a music festival Monday in Liverpool with a group of friends, we ve been for last couple of years and its a great day out. All tribute bands!

I went for a chat with Paul yesterday too, took him some roses. As some of you know I dont go very often but go when I get the urge and needed to yesterday. Feel so much is changing at the moment with new job, kids becoming more independent and I suppose me becoming more independent too that sometimes it scares me and I want to go back in time but know I cant.Also I m introducing my boyfriend my 2 best friends tonight so makes it all more real if that makes sense .So maybe just wanted some reassurance from him. It was about 530 last night when I went ( Friday) and the time he would have been having a few pints in our local after a busy week, sometimes I would join him or make us a nice tea for when he came in. Could almost imagine him saying "why are you messing with flowers, go and have a beer" Sorry I m waffling now, just sharing nonsense lol xx Its brought tears too but what choice have we got to move on and I m sure they are all willing us to do so and I promised Paul I would so here s to the future whether we want it or not. Just keep swimming penguins!!!! Big hugs xxx

Helen xxx

Morning all , Hope your feeling a bit better today Fiona , must have been such a hard day for you yesterday (((hugs))) . Helen i'm sure you'll be fine later , and sorry you've had a few tears hun, just another step to this "moving on" thing which people keep talking about . We're all being dragged further away from our old life but we dont really have much choice do we , as you say keep swimming ..

 Sue , glad your back , missed you xx

 I went out for a meal with a few of my work mates last night but one was called away as they rushed her sister into hospital , she's been waiting for her consultants appointment as they had found a "mass" on her bladder , so i'm praying for my best mate and her sis today . I hate hospitals ..

Dad has had his stitches out and his looking pretty good (compared to how he did look ) just hoping his mood lifts now .

. My olive branch has been met with silence so feel worse than ever now , dam dam dam . Going to spend the day with kids and little kids today and not going to drink at all for once on a sat but i'm supposed to be going out tommorow and not sure what i'm doing monday yet . Have a good weekend everybody , love and hugs xxxxxxx

Hi everyone.

I can't even begin to answer individually or I will be congratulating Bren on finding her phone in the car and telling Helen to look after her back !!!!! ....... so will just say that I read everything and just know that that second it was crossing over my brain cell I knew who had written it, what they had said and it all made sense ..... then it was past my brain cell and the head was back to being empty again!! But I was with you, each and every one.  

Helen, hope that you have a wonderful evening with your BF and friends, I am quite sure that if you trust, like and find yourself happy with him, then they will like him too.

Fiona hun, such a long and sad day for you, hope that the pain killers and some sleep helped. 

Who was questioning Bank holiday plans? .......... Er, excuse me, no such thing up here you know.  We will all be at work bright and breezy on Monday.  

Gayle, I can't believe a tootie wee thing like you needs to lose half a stone (aren't you young enough to be working in kilos???)  Hope you are feeling a better munchkin, give you body a little time to recover, yes?  Sue how wonderful the showcase sounded, and of course Alan was chuckling.  Hope Cornwall went ok, although I don't think you got the best of the weather did you.

Lynne, I don't know about your Olive branch, but I do know that anyone who doesn't do everything possible to hold on to your friendship must be as mad as a box of frogs!! 

Ailsa, Fiona and Teri ...... two weeks til our meet. I am SO looking forward to seeing you all and giving you MASSIVE hugs, and having a few giggles - cos yo uknow what - it doesn't matter how down any of us feel, it is quite amazing how the others can lift the spirits, just be understanding and being there ....... and maybe sharing a 'wee sherry or two!"

Well, what have I been up to - am about to get ambushed by friends who are determined that I am goign to do some celaring out today ..... wonder if I will get away with not answering the door???? Oh b*gger, one of them has a key!

Had an odd few days, a couple who I am very, very close to and who were probably some of Ed and my best friends seem to be having very bizarre but very real problems.  I won't go into details, but they are very welathy and the problems are to do with finances and spending and denial and it is all a terrible mess.   So sad to see wonderful people (who have been INCREDIBLE to me) miss totally how unimportant it all is, and love and family can and should mean so much more.  I am genuinely not criticising them, because the issues they have are huge ..... I think what I am trying to say is that, yet again, I realise how my whole outlook on life and what is important etc has changed.  Yet I know that had Ed not died, I would not have understood that.   Ok now Judes, I have just read that back and it makes NO SENSE WHATSOEVER!!!!   Ah well, nowt new there then heh!!

So, I will sign off now and hope to be back later if my friends allow me out of my cupboard under the stairs!!

So much love to all - Judi xxxxx

Hello everyone,

Helen, I know exactly what you mean.  Sometimes life feels like a speeding train and sometimes (often) you just want to stop it and turn back.  I had a few tears the other night as I was watching a programme and the guy was talking to his dead wife.  I had a big pang of guilt that Wully would be angry that I have fallen in love again and that I am so happy with my new boyfriend.  I know he wanted me to be happy but did he want me to be  happy so soon?  Who knows and I don't have much choice as do neither of us in accepting this new life.  I am feeling very sorry for myself which doesn't help.  After getting the procedure done I was sore on Thursday night, woke up Friday and took painkillers and felt okay and then as soon as they wore off around lunchtime I was in agony and took more but they took ages to even touch it.  I am still in a lot of pain today so its making me feel very low.  I was supposed to be going out last night but couldn't face the pub but luckily my friends didn't mind so I still went to her house and we just sat and watched TV.  Even though I was feeling rubbish I couldn't face the thought of not going out all weekend.  This weekend I have a skip so I am supposed to be having a big clear out and really feel quite rubbish so will have to force myself or it will have been a waste of money.  I am really hoping this pain lifts soon as I am going to Manchester next weekend and I have the boys here obviously and I am struggling with them.  Hopefully it stays dry and they can go play outside.  Anyway, I am away to make a cup of tea, take more painkillers and then attempt some clearing out.  I have a widow popping round later from FB as she lives in the same village as me - what a small world.  I just noticed where she came from last week (I think most of us have her as a friend).  She is having a charity night next week and was looking for raffle prizes so I am giving her some.

Take care penguins and hope the weekend is okay for you.

Gayle xxx

Munchkin, crossed posts - huge hugs.  It may be too late but I have discovered that here you can phone the council and if you can just put all the rubbish/wast/old furniture etc that you are getting rid of approximately in one area of your house or garage, they come and take it all away for much cheaper than a skip hire.

Just a thought. - Judes xx

Dear Gayle, you cannot help who you fall in love with or when. Life is like that. You are probably feeling more vulnerable emotionally due to how you are feeling physically. try not to beat yurself up about it all. You are a young woman and have many years of your life yet to live (please God). None of us knows what life has in store for us so we should grab happiness with both hands when it is offered to us. I wish you all the happiness in the world hun. What painkillers are you taking? I have found that Paracetamol and Brufen (or Diclofenac) together is very good for the type of pain you are experiencing. Have you tried a heat pack too? that can be quite beneficial. Take care sweet one.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Hi everyone

Judi, like you, my pea brain will not hold in all that I have read on the posts so I would be totally confused if I treid to respond to everyone.  Welcome home Sue.

I am home and think I am realizing that there are no more trips planned, nothing to look forward to besides work next week.  Yesterday was 10 months since I lost my Danny and although I thought I was doing well, went to lunch with a friend and a little shopping, last night was bad.  I miss him so much.  And also missing the hugs and touch as well as the thousand things he would do in the house that I took for granted before.  I will get past this once again, I need to find my way again.

I am trying to sort out my house, have been doing it for months.  I did do top kitchen cupboards and cleared out mouse poop from there (yes my cat is getting old now) and today am working on the bottom ones which are harder on the knees.  Also trying to cook enough meals for the week at work and I will head to the market later and get more meat in.  So I am trying to keep myself busy but the thoughts  keep popping into my head.

I see that some of you have a holiday weekend this weekend.  I get one next weekend which was always nice, go back to work for a week and then a 3 day weekend.  Not looking forward to it this year so I must plan something nice.  One friend from my widow group wants to meet for coffee, I just need to sort out a time.  That would be one outing and I do need to shop for a few clothes for work, next week I can wear my jeans as no kids there until after Labour Day weekend.  I guess I just need to learn to live alone now and I don't really want to but that is my life at the moment. 

Sending lots of hugs to those who need them right now, Teri and Patricia do hope you are having better days.

Bren