My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hi Ten

Really feel for you my husband died on the 9th May.  He done a lot of suffering could not bear it in the end, he wouldn't go to the hospice or the hospital, but he got so bad I had to phone an ambulance, he kept fighting all the time, in the end I prayed for him to go, just to end his suffering.  Family do care they are just worried to bring their name up, I told my family off about this, so now we all talk about him all the time.  What worried me at the time is that I had bottles of morphine here, and when I asked the doctor how much to give him, they just said it is up to you.  Dread to think if he hadn't gone into hospital would have I overdosed him

I have been having counciling now for four months, it really helps a lot.  I am trying to get the good times back, not the suffering, mind you it is very hard, is there anyway you could try counciling.  They are with us twenty four hours a day, people look at me like I'm mad but I can feel his presence.

I like you ten cannot write in my diary anymore, when I look back at what was said, it is just to heartbreaking.  The priest at the church told me we have to grieve, we have to watch the programmes he liked, and let it out.

Wish I could help you ten, it is hard when family and friends act like they don't exist.   Please ask for help, and come on here and let your emotions out.

Take good care of yourself

Hugs Kath

Hi everyone.  Welcome home Bren.  I am so glad that you still get so much comfort from your Gaspe trip and that was really nice that Danny's cousin collected you from the airport after your last meeting plan fell through.

Patricia how are you this evening?  You are not being selfish or self-absorbed at all when you come here and let your feelings out.  I certainly don't feel like I can let people see how I am really feeling these days.  It might be my imagination but I really get the impression everyone is more than happy for me to have moved on a bit right now and get very uncomfortable if I want to mention Chris any more than little.  I am sure no-one has forgotten Chris but it seems there is more and more reluctance to mention him or attribute any of how I might be feeling to the fact that he is not here anymore.  I can understand you feeling bitter - only yesterday coming home from work in my car after a very bad experience with an investors in people interviewer I found myself feeling really angry at my situation, particularly because Chris was not going to be at home to listen and cuddle me.  Try not to hold on to the down & bitter feelings and I will promise to try to do the same as I am sure they don't achieve anything.  ((((((hugs)))))).

Rosemary I hope that working on the bridesmaids dresses picked you up a little although I have a sneaking feeling it won't have done ((((((hugs)))))) for you as well.

Teri I used to email Chris a lot but I find I can't do it when I am feeling specially bad about him not being here.  I am really glad you read the posts even if you don't post yourself.  I hope it helps a little to know we are here and thinking of you.  Am I still going to meet you on the 12th September?

Mandy you did well scattering Ps ashes on Tuesday.  The bookmarks sounds like a lovely idea and I am sure it will help people to remember.  I am so glad you also read the posts.

Kath it sounds like you had a dreadful time in May.  I had some counselling after Chris died and I found it really helped as well.  Only today I was thinking I could do with just one small appointment with the counsellor again but I think I am over it now.

I hope everyone else is okay this evening.  I am trying to pluck up the courage to go out and join a slimming club tonight.  Can't decide whether to go or put it off a little longer and then can't decide which one to go to - there is no hope is there?!  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

Thanks to everyone who helped me out last night and today, I still feel the same way I have a couple of days off work but don't know if I would have been better going to work. Yes Ailsa  I will be there on the 12th I am looking forward to going as it will be my first outing on my own (apart from my holiday) I am planning to book into the same hotel on the Sat evening so we can have time for a chat.

Love Teri

Hi Everyone just dropping by to send all that need hugs ((((hugs)))) What a roller coaster some of us are on at the moment . I draw strength form you ladies and i hope i can offer my support to you whilst i'm not feeling to bad . Had a pretty good week at work so far but i'm ready for the bank holiday .

Take care all Lynne xxxxxx

Evening everyone,

Lynne, glad you are having a good week and hope your Dad is okay.  Teri, Ailsa, Patricia and Rosemary sending you big hugs as you sound like you need them.  Fiona, I hope you got on okay today and had a safe journey.  Mandy, the bookmarks sound lovely.  Well I went to the doctors today and the actual procedure was fine but been feeling pretty rubbish since.  Just sore and tired so had a wee nap earlier and have been lying on the couch tonight even though I really need to be working but just can't face it.  Hopefully I will be feeling a lot better tomorrow.  I was feeling really anxious about it this morning and quite tearful as we all know we miss that special someone there to help and soothe our worries, but then my boyfriend phoned (he is away working at the moment) and made me feel much better as I know he was worrying about me.  He then phoned just after I got home to make sure I was okay afterwards. I took comfort knowing that someone really cares about me and I didn't feel quite so alone - it made me feel much better.

Ailsa, hope you decide on your diet!  I have decided to go with Diet Chef for the next 4 weeks as a bit of a kickstart to losing 1/2 a stone and then hopefully just maintain it afterwards.  They have sent me all my meals and snacks for the next 4 weeks and I can add veg and 2 piece of fruit a day.  It looks quite appetising but there isn't very much of it!!  But since I have forked out the money for it I will need to do it (or thats the plan) so I am aiming to start it on Saturday as I am hopefully going out to the pub tomorrow with my pal (if I feel better).  I have also got a skip in for a week so the weekend is going to be spent getting rid of a lot of junk as my new house is much much smaller than this one so no room for things that I don't use anymore - no more hoarding!  Judi, hope you are getting on okay with your packing.  I am hoping to move 15th October but I get the keys on 24th September so will have plenty of time to get curtain poles up etc so the 15th will just be moving the big stuff.

Right I'm off to lie on the couch for a bit with a cup of tea then head off to bed.

Take care penguins and sending you love.

Gayle xxx

Sounds like lots of you need lots of hugs so sending huge ones

((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Morning all , well ive done something to try and ease a guilty consience this morning , not sure how it will be met but i've had to do it . I can either make things worse or better

. Gayle hope your feeling better today and enjoyed  your sofa evenigng . I've still got to book my glasgow tickets i seem to have been so busy , jogging twice a day and now Patricia has talked me int gettin a hula hoop , Patricia has i said last night i can only do one , how do you manage 300 ????

 Dad has his stictches out today and i think his face his looking good , although once again he doesn;t think so , but its a massive improvment on what it was . Anyway off to work now .

 Take care all hope you've all got some good things planned for the weekend . hugs xxxxxx Lynne xxxx

Morning everyone xx

Gayle hope you re feeling better this morning, well done you!! You were very brave and lovely to hear the support your boyfriend is giving you. It really does help x Good luck with all the moving.

All this talk of exercise and diet is putting me to shame, I weighed myself and have put weight on over the summer!! All the fine foods and good living! Back to it next week, good luck everyone. We ll all be gorgeous for our party dresses at Christmas!!

Patricia sending you big hugs, dont every apologise for writing it all down, thats what we re here for. You help us all so much so now its your turn xxxx

Fiona hope yesterday went ok xxx Lynne hope your Dad continues to improve and hope things are made better by what you ve done xxx

Teri hope you re ok, I think a lot of us find it is worse when we are off work. I know it was for me last year and weekends were awful. Still have my moments when I m off but getting better xx

Mandy well done on scattering the ashes and the bookmarks sound a great idea.

I m starting to get some jobs done myself round the house, got a price for some decorating so I ve told him to go ahead with that when he can and I ve got someone coming to look at my gutters this morning. They have been flooding over and wasnt sure what to do when a friend of Pauls who used to work with him phoned out of the blue to see how I was and if I needed anything doing! Well actually.......lol!! So kind of him to think of me.

Catching up with last minute jobs before I m back at work on Tuesday, quite enjoyed just pottering round the house yesterday. Tried to watch a dvd last night but fell asleep and missed most of it! Out for a meal tomorrow night, my boyfriend is going to meet my 2 bestest friends lol!!! Hes a bit nervous bless him but I m really looking forward to it .

Have a good day everyone

Helen xxx

Evening All, sending you all a big hug, I am very tired tonight after our trip to London it was a long day but I am glad I went. I have a very sore back just now so just taken some painkillers and I think I will get to bed will catch up with all the posts soon. I am home alone tonight Darren off to Leeds festival to Helen. Feels weird being in house on my own but will have to get use to it as I can't expect Darren to stay with me for ever. Had a few tears today as it is my mum's birthday and I miss her so much. Fiona xx