My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hi everyone xxx

What a whirlwind all this exam results is!!! Just get over Liam s and start again with Nat but so proud of them both!!! And Hayley has done fab too Manda, just think what they could have done with everything that has been thrown at them all but they have all done fantastic!!! Poured what I thought was champagne to celebrate and urgh!! its champagne cognac!! Someone may explain what it is to me...but not what I was expecting lol!

Had a great day at work today, met some of the children I will be looking after and back in tomorrow to see what happens in the office then a long weekend off before I start properly. Quite excited about it now!!

Judi if I could have thrown myself on the floor like the advert I would have done!!! Apparently I acted like a `spoilt child` lol but all sorted and I still think I had every right to sulk so neeerr!!! he he x

Well I havent been watching big brother but going to tonight as the old housemates are going back in for the final and I used to love it years ago. Liam is off to Leeds festival so just bought him loads of food and goodies and no doubt will have to help him pack later. Dreading him going but he is so excited.

Have a good night everyone, hugs to all xxx

Helen xxx

Evening All, well done to Liam Nat and Hayley on there exam results. Lynne well done on your walk, hope your dad is feeling better I have just been at dad's tonight to see him into bed he is looking a bit better tonight he has the day hospital tomorrow and he also now has care call in so that's good, mind you I don't think he will use it. I have Charlie tomorrow instead of Thurs so hope it's dry so we can get out a walk. Gayle hope you get on ok on Thurs, what a wasted day for you on Sun. Judi glad packing started. Helen hope you get on ok at work. O dear forgot what everyone else is up to but sending you all hugs. Fiona xxxxxxx

Morning all.  Welcome to our little group Janie and thank you for your encouraging post.  I hope you are doing okay.  There is lots of support to be had on this site which goes a little way to help with the loneliness.

Gayle - good luck for tomorrow but you will be fine - lots & lots have had it done before you.  Fiona enjoy Charlie although the weather doesn't look like it will be great - sorry.

Helen - don't know what you thought but I found last nights BB a bit disappointing.  Too many celebraties.  I was hoping to see more of the old contestants.

Manda - I still have the same feeling, that everyone is forgetting about Chris, that I mentioned the other day.  I feel a bit at odds with myself about it as it is a fairly negative feeling.  I'm hoping that maybe now I have started the work on the garage again it goes away and maybe goes for good when the work is finished - hope so.  I hope you are feeling a little less bothered by the thought that Miles is being forgotten.  I know in my heart that neither of them are forgotten - it is just the way things progress.

I hope everyone has a good day today.  Take care. Ailsa xxx

Good morning all, it is morning here still.  I am finally home from all my travels.  It was so wonderful to be able to get away for most of the summer but now I find I am ready to stay home for a while.  Back to work on Monday already.  Yesterday I had a nice lazy day, just cleaned out the fridge which is now empty and I am going to the market today for tomatoes and whatever I find there.  I plan to cook this week and freeze meals for when I am back into the September craziness.  I did not do well in June so hope that if  I can at least get some nutrition in me and keep the walks with the dog up, I might have a chance to survive the month.  The school is growing too fast and there is not enough help to keep up with everything and everyone. 

I do have a dentist appt this week but can't remember when so I must call them to find out and my friend wants me to meet her for lunch on Friday and we can find something to do for the afternoon.  Otherwise I plan to just try to sort out more of the house, much more to be done here.  I am really struggling to fight off the 'this time last year' because at this time last August, it was a nightmare, we had just found out about the mass and didn't know what or where it was coming from.  I do have my tears but so far am keeping away from that black hole.  I really do find that Gaspe with all Dan's family supporting me gave me so much peace and I am clinging to that.  His cousin was unable to make it the night before I went to Newfoundland but he did pick me up at the airport and came for coffee and a good chat.  I always feel good talking to him, he is a real connection to Danny for me.

The summer was a good one, I saw so many relatives, both Dan's and mine and living here with no family, it was very good for me.

I have read all the posts but once again the little brain does not hold much in.  Congratulations to the proud parents of the students who did so well on exams, glad your dad is doing better Fiona, the moves and renovations sound like so much work.  Patricia, good for you on doing that walk.

Sending love and hugs from Canada

Bren

Janie, sorry for your loss.  It is indeed a very upsetting and in fact a very lonely journey. I hope you can find some peace and comfort here.

Helen, now that Judi has mentioned the woman in the advert I have the most vivid image of you having a tantrum in the middle of a department store. What  spectacle lol.

Ailsa, Manda, just because people don't talk about Chris and Miles it does not mean that they are being forgotten. People live their lives and remember in their own way but it is not always obvious to us. 

Fiona, I hope you have a good day with young Charlie. It seems nice here so I hope you are enjoying some of this fine weather.

Lynne, thanks for your support, you are very kind.

I had a slightly better night at work and was able to escape only 15 minutes late today.  I did have a very unnerving experience though. Whilst I was in the linen room collecting the sheets etc to make up all the beds I had just cleaned (9 in all), I suddenly had an overwhelming feeling that my mum was stood next to me. Whilst this was not at all frightening it did upset me. I am feeling quite vulnerable right now and know that she would have been there to give me her love and support. All I did for the next hour was to cry. Such a wuss.  Oh dear here I go again, crying. I should be happy at the miniute because we have new life waiting to join our family unit but all I feel is utter despair and sadness. Maybe I am just doing the whole 'it's not fair that Ray was taken' thing. I don't know. All I do know is that at the moment I am feeling quite bitter about it all. I want to carry on pretending that everything is ok but I can't. Things will never be ok again. How can they be. My best friend, my soulmate, the love of my life has been stolen from me and I am in pieces. It feels as raw as it did at the begining and I can't do a thing about it.  I know this is a very negative post but I just need to write it down. I feel so pathetic because I know there are many others in the same position who appear to cope perfectly well. There are those who have so much more to deal with. Am I being selfish and self absorbed?? Who knows. All I know is that right now I just want to lock myself away from the world and dissappear for a while. I also know that I cannot do this as this would be a big mistake and I would never want to reappear. So I will dry my tears and go on putting on a pretence for those closest to me. Not because I have to but because it is how I cope.

Take care dear friends and have the best day you can.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Oh Patricia

You have been such a support for all of us here, get in the middle right now and we will hold you close.  This is the place for you to let it all out and there are so many of us who will be here for you.  I don't have the words to make it better, no one does but just know we are thinking of you and sending lots and lots of (((((hugs))))) 

Hello everyone,

What a busy, busy thread.  I am reading every day and have been happy just doing that.  However, some of the things you wrote about struck more than a few chords. 

Helen, my three are much the same, living their lives fairly independantly - so me like you have decided that I have got to get on with my life without them.  All three of them will be at uni come Sept/Oct so I'll be rattling around here on my own.  I am not looking forward to it.  Scary really.  My middle one has just worked at V fest in Stafford and is off tomorrow to work at Reading festival - hopefully she will have some money in her bank account for the start of uni term this time!!   On one hand I want them to be living their lives but on the other hand it highlights how isolated my life so often is. 

Manda, as you know we scattered P's ashes yesterday, on our wedding anniversary.  It was tricky for me - the anticipation was making me cry all the more.  I'm not sure how other people felt about this but I had a large 'bookmark' made with two pictures of P on the front with a short verse and it had two verses on the reverse.  I did this so they could use it as a bookmark and I hope in the future I see them dog-eared through use - I hope it enables them to think of P as they finish reading their book etc.  I'm hoping they won't sit in people's drawers, gathering dust of course!!!!

Patricia, that mask of pretence is so draining, I know I get fed up trying so hard to be ok.  I agree with you that it is a coping mechanism but it doesn't change anything does it and then I feel misunderstood by friends around me when they so easily accept I'm 'doing ok'?  You don't have to excuse yourself and wonder if you're being self absorbed just now - it's ok to admit to feeling like this, I'm sure we all do - I have questioned myself over the past couple of weeks as I seem to have been crying more than I had done recently, I felt like I was back to those early days, though the tears were less of the sobbing variety but more constantly wet cheeks as they overflowed.   I hope today is a better day for you, I think it has been for me.

It is good to read the banter that goes on between you - you all seem to be a great supportive bunch of people - I'm sorry that I haven't posted to others who are posting here - it will take me some time I suppose to get to know all that you are writing about.

Take care of yourselves everyone xx 

Every day I read all of everyone's news and promise myself that I will answer and join in the conversation. But I can never find the right words, When Bert was ill I posted to his blog several times a week and never had any problems with writing down my thoughts but for some strange reason since he died I can't. This time 6 months ago I was watching him and waiting for him to die, the Dr's had told me 2 weeks prior to his death that he would only last 2 days after I stopped his treatment but he hung on for 2 weeks more. I stopped his treatment because he had suffered enough he did not know who I was or even where he was so I know I made the correct decision and I have no regrets about doing so. Tonight I just feel so awful without him, The kids are all living their lives just as I would like them to. so why do I feel that no one else misses him the way I do while at the same time I know fine well they miss their dad too. I have spent the night in tears and they just won't stop.

Sorry I can't seem to join in but I do read every day love to everyone

Teri xx

Teri, you are in a dificult place right now. It is not easy to join in sometimes and often just reading other's posts can be a comfort. Just keep popping by and let us know how you are from time to time. Get into the middle of the huddle and let us support and protect you.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Teri you sum up how most of us feel sweetheart.  We want the kids to carry on but why can't they see that we can't?  There again that's wrong because we are, every day we carry on, we keep going.  As Patricia says just stick with us, post when you can or need to otherwise know that we are there for you.  It's nearly 19 months since we lost Steve but somehow I seem to have found myself back in that dark and difficult place, probably brought on by a combination of reasons and happenings but b****y h**l I miss him so much and I long physically and emotionally for a real proper hug from someone who really cares about me as a person, not mum or friend or sister but "other half". 

Putting on "the face" now and off to sort out bridesmaids dresses with Sam.  Will try and pop back later to talk to you all properly, sorry I'm not getting there at the moment.  Love you all and sending lots of hugs to everyone xxxxx