My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Dottee my old fruit you have a blast about anything (and anyone) you want, we all understand because although our dear men aren't with us I;m sure we all remember times that we ranted and raved about things they had or had not done or said, just cos we'd give anything (well not anything he wouldn't want me to trade the kids) (the dogs maybe but not the kids) to have them back just to moan about them.  They were the most special and precious people ever, but none of them were (or are) saints, just like we must have our faults - can't for the life of me think what they are but apparently we aren't perfect either, apparently.  So have a blast about him if and when you want to, you are still living through the ups and downs of what cancer is doing to you all, if your smile slips for a while we've got the glue.  Hugs hugs and more hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Mandy jump in with both feet sweetheart, Lynne does and she never lands on them it's usually her..... ummmm well somewhere else, bless her (sorry Lynne hee hee)  You will get to know everyone and confuse everyone too like we all do at times.  Love your poto's of the Manchester meet you look so young and beautiful - actually most of you do, not sure I could keep up with you all lol!

Sue if you and Lynda (it was Lynda wasn't it?) meet up anywhere near Cardiff give my Auntie Edna a wave from me will you?  She's just down the road in Barry, in fact look across the Severn and you might be able to spot her, well sort of, well with a telescopic periscope thingy.

Love and hugs to you all, Gayle now you're back and getting into routine again (and bless Wully for being there), Helen on your hols, Patricia always there with your angel hugs and I think very often needing one to hold onto yourself.  Ailsa my sweet I believe you and Linda met today, I'm so glad that the window is going to become real for you, hope you are doing alright - I'm thinking you are needing a special hug too at the moment so sending one on the night mail with the stars.  Judi I'm sorry about the poem moment, it is lovely though isn't it and how I am going to cope with this wedding I don't know but there again "cope mode" just switches on and gets you through doesn't it I just wish it was as I had imagined as she grew up not as it is now - but can't be helped so I need you to help me sort hats!  I have no idea what shape or size to go for, the lucious pink one is just too large - and  pink - I think.  I might have to try and take a pic of the outfit I might be wearing, or maybe both outfits I've got and see which you all think is THE one.  Oh and also I have decided I am going to do a speech, I don't know if Daniel will (he is giving her away), but I felt I should on behalf of Steve as well as being mother of the bride.  Patricia help!  You did a speech didn't you?  Any tips?  There again maybe I shouldn't, I'm not very good at talking, not when it matters.  Actually I'm rambling now.  Yes Dottee you're right. 

Didn't mean to hit the "post" button then (although maybe it was a hint I was rambling tooooo much).  Have we found Lesley yet?  She's been on holiday I think, photo's on Facebook.  Anyone spotted Dave, hopefully his absence means he is getting along alright, probably very busy with the boys too as it's holiday time - give me a shout if you need penguin assistance Dave I'm only an hour and a half away.  Bren I would love to see whales, actually I'd love to see Canada again and also go to Alaska, we were just watching The Proposal with Sandra Bullock and they were (or were meant to be) in Alaska and it looked beautiful.  Fiona, Teri and anyone else I haven't mentioned (cos having sent the other post which I now can't read I can't remember who I mentioned on there!) lots of love and hugs to you all - it's a little bit chilly but I think if we light the Mexican chimney on the ledge the stars might be out so anyone who feels the need a huddle can be organised.  See you there xxxxxxxxx

Rosemary, you will find the right hat and you will pick the perfect outfit to wear I am sure. As for not being good at speaking inb public. Well neither am I but I had to do it. Not much choice really as that would have left only the groom and the best man seeing as the bride's father had no English. I am happy to give you some hints though if it helps. Just get in touch if you need me but I am sure you with your good writing skills will come up with a good speech. It does not have to be long or elaborate but something straight from the heart.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Wow Rosemary - I've never been called an 'old fruit' before and am not sure how I feel about it (certainly not insulted)!!!  But you made me smile at the thought!!!

I'm right??  That also is a first......But I can't imagine why?

And though chilly I wouldn't mind a bit of star-gazing tonight so will join you on your ledge for a while..........I'll bring along some real hot choc shall I to keep us warm??

Love and (((hugs)))

Dot xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Evening All, hope everyone is ok tonight. Helen have a great holiday, Gayle glad you and boys had a good holiday, we had the heatwave yesterday as well. Lynne will be thinking of your dad tomorrow hope all goes well. I had some sad news tonight my auntie Isobel from London died today, she was the last of the family on my mums side.My dad is very upset. So looks like my sister and me will have to make a trip to London. I have my wedding this Friday think I am already now. Sending everyone hugs. Fiona xxxx

Evening everyone,

Blooming Mondays lol.  I hate them.  I have over 100 emails to answer for work and my system has been playing up all day so think I answered about 10 grrrr.  The boys were playing up, I broke the freezer door, blew up the iron, burnt Jamies new school jacket with iron before said blow up, the list goes on lol.  Well at least I'm laughing now.  My boyfriend came over tonight and that just lifted me back up.  This week could end up being a very tough one but I have a good feeling about it that times are better now and I am feeling much more settled, calm and happy.  Jamie starts school tomorrow - always a very hard one on my own but I am not panicking too much and then it is his 6th birthday on Thursday - again it will be spent on our own - the three amigos as my parents don't come back from Spain until Saturday and my sister is being a pain again.  But I am feeling positive.  Don't ask me tomorrow lol.

Helen, sorry you had a wobble and I know you are off now on your hols.  I hope (and I know) you will have a great time.  We all understand and we will have these wobbles for a while to come.  I had a little moment earlier.  The boyfriend has left some of his stuff here and some clothes so I went to empty a little drawer (very tiny drawer as there isn't much space left with all my clothes!) for him to use and when I opened it, i had forgotten that I had a couple of Wully's things in it already.  I then had to lift them out and move them to another space at back of the wardrobe to make room for boyfriends stuff.  It nearly caused a wobble but I need to move on with this new life and not stay in the past for my own sanity.  Easier said than done but Wully wanted me to be happy more than anything.

Mandy keep posting and glad you are finding support here.  I couldn't manage without my penguins - they keep me sane and have helped me through the very darkest days.  You will soon get to know us all as we were all new at one time.  Are you going to London & Glasgow in October or just london?  Will be lovely to meet you.  Dot - like Rosemary said please do rant on here - we are all here for you and in fact I remember having a similar conversation with Patricia in Chesterfield.  When Wully first died it was like he was a saint but he was anything but and there were many times I could have throttled him.  Yes he was a lovely, very kind, good, wonderful man but he could be a right pest at times lol.  We all understand that completely. 

I hope everyone else is well and my brain has forgotten everything else so I will send all my penguins lots of hugs and love.

Gayle xxx

Morning all , So sorry about your aunt Fiona , another thing that has been thrown at you , it sounds like your going to be very busy for the next few days , try and take care of yourself to and a hug for your dad .

 Gayle , well i think we said it all last night hun bit i hope your ok today with Jamie , and so glad that M is finaly realising that he has a little gem in you aand your feeling more settled  xxxx .

 Well dad goes in today and i think he gave my sisters a bit of a hard time last night (emotionally) he says he has a bad feeling but i think we've had this before but in saying that i know i wouldn't want to be going through what he is today and i'll be glad when its all over I'll keep you posted .

 Well our last job of the day was to move a rather large klady who had no mobility at all and all i can say is the ward told a few porkies as to her mobillity and we we're left on our own to get her into her home , but we had to do a lot of pulling and lifting and it wasn;t good . I have been awake all night with a pain in my side and now i can hardly move with my back . For the first time ever i'm going to file a report about this incident as it keeps happening . Its actually  A and E nurse who had told us about the mobility as they just wanted her home . I'm going to discuss it with my boss today and see what she says . rant over . dam this pain , i cant go running like this and thats putting me in a funny mood .

 on a brighter side i've got my tickets booked for London (thanks for text Amanda ) and i got first class for a extra 4 pound each way . Need to book the scotland ones now . Hugs to Dotteee i kept wondering where you was and yes hun we all know about the world war three averting . You take care too .

 Right i'm off to see dad befroe he goes in . Take care all hugs and more hugs 

 Lynne xxxx

((((hugs)))) for everyone this morning and especially to Lynne and her Dad.  Today is going to be difficult for you both.  Could make trite comments about best place to be and well looked after - but we all know those comments so well!!!  So will just leave more comforting ((((hugs)))) for you Lynne and a sincere wish that your Dad feels a bit more comfortable afterwards.............Look after yourself and fill out that complaint/incident form............

Dot xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Lynne, I hope your dad is doing ok. ((((hugs))))) to you all. I hope you filed an incident report and also an injyury report or are they one and the same?? It is so bad when false information is given or..... was it that the lady was taking advantage of new faces?? I have seen this happen so often. mmmm..... more likely the former though eh? Anyway, I hope your back soon feels a little less painful. Can;t have you falling off your excercise regime can we? Wow first class to London. How lovely.  Hope you have a good time.

Fiona, so sorry to hear about your aunt. Yet more sadness to add the the plentiful amount already dished out.  Sorry your dad is so upset. Not what he needs right now.

Have a good day penguins, if you can.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Hi everyone - I have missed you all!!

Katy arrived Friday night and needed to work from my house .... but that meant disconnecting my broadband to use her work network ... I hadn't realised she meant until today!!!   Then I went to work yesterday feeling a'a bit off colour' but by 11am was shivering and shaking like a good 'un and came home to bed.  I have been sleeping on and off for the last twenty-four hours!!  Am feeling much better now though,  of course had a few tears and the 'oh woe is me, ill all on my own, have to get dressed to walk the dogs, nobody to look after me' moments . lol.  Anyway, what ever bug it is has got bored of me sleeping and has b*ggered off I think!

So, here I am SO behind on everyone's news.  Lynne - massive daddy hugs for today and Fiona, so sorry about your Aunt (((((  )))))).   Helen and Gayle, wobbles are fine my darlings, it just means that you are gradually easing yourself into you new lives and testing the water ..... not just jumping on in regardless.  Much love and fun to you both.

Dottee, I will think a while before I decide exactly what 'old fruit' you are!  So glad that your rennovations are jsut about over and you are able to see the benefits.  You will be so chuffed to be able to be 'crafty' again won't you? 

My lovely Rosemary - if you send me a picture of you in your outfit I will take it to my friend that 'does hats' - she will give an honest opinion of what style she would advise.  She does weddings, Ascot etc and every season goes to London to buy the newest creations - some of them are hundreds and hundreds of pounds!  But you know what, I think you will look stunning in any of them.  And personally I think it is absolutely right and proper that you make a speech.  And it will be wonderful and there will be tears and laughter, and you will do it with the style and grace that we know you have ........... and probably with a glass of Bailey's in hand! lol.

I am going to go now, as I should really be checking my emails first - but had to reconnect with my penguins - cos I MISSED you all. 

Be back later - love Judes xxxx