Heart broken.

When other people around have not walked this path there's no way they can really feel our pain. I lost my husband - he was 62, in July. Friends and family care I know but this loss is hell isn't it. I feel a little less alone knowing others here are going through the same thing. You are right. It is so tiring. And that feeling of never feeling you'll be happy again is so awful. All I can do today is understand how you feel and send you love x

Thank you so much for your kind words, it does help to know that others who are in the same boat can understand. I just miss my husband so much and that I’m not me anymore because he’s not here. Xx

Yes I am really upset and disconcerted (those words aren't at all powerful enough) to feel that I'm not me any more too. It is hard to describe but I know what you mean.

I'm very sorry to read your post.

My wife was also only 61 when she died - it's just no age at all, is it? We were together for 38 years, and my plan had been that we would grow old together, and I would drop dead first - of something like a heart attack - in my late '80s. But it didn't work out like that.

As someone once said: 'If you want to make God laugh, tell her your plans.'

For me, it's been 22 months now - and I hit brick walls every day. So, though we're all different, I think I know exactly what you're going through.

Any 'advice' I try to offer will just sound trite. But, for me, I just try to keep putting one foot in front of the other. And I never try to put on a mask to anybody. Maybe, one day, things will start to feel better - even though that currently feels impossible.

I send you love, and best wishes. You are not alone.

Thank you so much for your kind advice, it is so hard trying to navigate this journey without the one person who was my best friend, confidante and who always had my back. As he used to say, another day, another foot forward. That’s what I just have to try to keep doing but it is so hard as everyone here knows. Xx

Hi Esme21

My beautiful Valen was, and will now forever be, 56. He was 3 months older than me.
I am now, and forever will be, older than him. Thats something I just cannot get my head round.

I have recently been likening my life to being in front of one of those tennis ball delivery machines. Shooting out ambushes.
They come speeding at you so suddenly that sometimes you can’t dodge them. Other times you see them coming and can avoid them. Some times they hit you so hard you double over in pain. Others they just bounce off you and you barely register them. 
All these balls of emotions. Balls of memories good and horrific. Balls of fear, guilt, confusion. Of fleeting moments of clarity. Of glimpses of our futures. Little balls of light, laughing at the t.v or meeting friends. 

At the moment I’m in a volley of balls I can’t dodge.
Seeing the paramedics turn up in an ambulance for mum. Thank god my sister was there to literally hold me as the memories of them attending Valen came rushing back. (she’s broken a bone in her pelvis, excruciating pain when she weight bears, but we’ll get there).
Is it mum or Valen I’m holding up as they shuffle to the toilet, to bed, to their chair? 
Is it mum or Valen I’m trying to tempt to eat just a little? 
Is it mum or Valen quietly crying thinking I don’t see the tears?

We may be sitting on the sofa or in bed alone when there should be 2 of us. 
But at least there are people here who truly know what we are going through. 
Can truly empathise, listen and support. 

Sending hugs to us all x

I lost my husband just over a year ago. I know what you mean about the “Mask”. I decided that I needed some people in the “Inner Circle” of trust. These were people that had either experienced bereavement or were deeply empathetic. I chose carefully, and took my time. I have about five, and they allow me to be myself. I don’t need to pretend, it matters a lot to me. It is  so exhausting trying to be strong all of the time. Are there people that could help you in this way ? Try to keep posting, as we all care here. Kate. Xxx

Only 4 months for me losing my husband now back in May  I have never cried so much and I do wonder how and where it keeps coming from sometimes so intense and out of nowhere and some days definitely worse than others I feel exhausted at times but I also am not sleeping well. 

Was at hospital this morning first thing for blood test but at (4am I was awake and decided to polish some boots) can you explain that one????   For a check up with my consultant next week and sat waiting the first persons name they called out was the same as My husband all those trips we had together there for him  just hearing that makes you sad.  Every medical appointment I was with him and where is he when I need him most?

Then a trip to the hospice where my husband passed away for my 4th and final aromatherapy treatment that has been amazing for me such support has come from them. I left feeling so relaxed and calmer and sleepy I came straight back to bed. Then later walked for an hour in the hope I will wear myself out and sleep better at night.  In the days when my husband was here I would sleep through thunder and NYE fireworks but that’s because I was safe and happy with my husband beside me. 

I have just found that writing things down that are troubling me is a start but my notes are getting longer !!  I have today though purchased the Richard E grant book a pocketful of happiness that someone who has helped me a lot recently suggested.. I don’t read much but it may help also.  JUST having no one to talk to about things or make plans with any more.. We had a lot more plans like all of us on here all of that has just gone and our lives changed forever. 

I do find though that I  can read things on here and write things as I need to and say what I want or how I feel and often feel slightly better afterwards sometimes……Who else can we really talk to ?..   

What do you all do on your worst days when your eyes are so red from all the tears how do you get yourself out of that intense pain and sorrow and sadness —— what helps ?? I’m still trying to work that one out.. xx