My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

FormerMember
FormerMember
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My husband - Chris - died on the 2nd May 2009 because he had anal cancer. He knew he was going and we spoke about lots and lots of things before he died. That is why I am just not prepared for the huge amount of guilt I feel now. I feel guilty that the world hasn't stopped turning round even though he has died. I feel like everything should stop as a mark of respect. I also feel very guilty that he had to be so ill he had to die. What a cruel cruel thing it is to make someone so ill their body just stops working. I wasn't ready for him to go. I really really hope these are normal feelings because I must hang on to my sanity for the sake of my 3 children. I have never known sadness like I feel right now. I can't believe that I will not hear his voice or feel his touch again. We were married for almost 32 years and I have known Chris for 34 years - since I was 16. What happens now? Ailsa

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember in reply to FormerMember

    Ah Anj m so so sorry . Your childen are so young , Gayle on here also has 2 young boys and i'm sure she'll be along to chat to you in a day or so . Linda , yes the 6 month mark is terrible , like Sue says the realisation is just kicking in .

     Have to be a short one still but my broad band has been dispatched .xxxxx

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember in reply to FormerMember

    Hello everyone,

    Sorry but this is going to be a very short one as I am soooooo tired that I feel sick now lol.  I am so sorry to hear that we have new people joining us but here is the best place for support.  I have been keeping up with you all but just not had time to post back.  I have more or less done everything except pack (yes i know that bit is quite important).  But the house is clean and I have finished my work, the washing, been to the beautician and my boyfriend came to stay last night until tonight.  So now he is away home I can get the finger out and get packing.  It shouldn't take me too long (she says hopefully).  So I am signing off ladies although no doubt will be in touch next week as I am taking my laptop with me.  Take care penguins and I will think of you all when I am lying on my sun lounger sipping a cold drink :-)

    Gayle xxx

    p.s. Rosemary hope you are okay xxx

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    FormerMember in reply to FormerMember

    Anj, welcome my love and come straight to the middle of the "penguin huddle" we have here, both you and Grace need to snuggle to the middle and be looked after for a while as you get through that lost feeling where the world is so out of control.  As the others have said please stay with us and get to know everyone and hopefully gain strength from each other as we have done. 

    Thank you all for your support this last week (as always) I have found it much harder than I thought I would, but then it all links to losing Steve and not having him here and ... well everything so not suprising really, also yet again the pain of seeing Sam going through it and wanting to take away her pain too, that's being a mother though isn't it?  The whole week has turned out to be quite hectic and I found myself really tired, must be all the emotion again, but would you believe we are actually looking at another horse tomorrow?  Will keep you posted and give you more on that one tomorrow evening, not sure it is the right thing to do in many respects but may still do it if Sam has anything to do with it (which of course she does).

    Lynne, how's your hand? Bren well done on the clear out, I found it very hard to give away all of Steve's clothes, although quite a few sweatshirts and things I still have and wear anyway, but carried three bags of them around in the car for weeks as I couldn't bring myself to actually hand them over to the charity shop.  Judi, thank you for your texts and messages, Ed didn't need "things" his very special thing was you so keep giving yourself a hug, how's Kat doing?  Ailsa can't wait to see your round window, are you and Linda getting things sorted?  Helen, congratulations on the job, glad it was a good day there.  Sue, Lesley, Gayle, Patricia (still in Cornwall I think), Dave, Fiona et al (how posh is that) lots of love to you all and hope you are ok, is the sun still shining anywhere (well not right now cos it's dark) it's been mizzling heavily here all day.  Take care and rather than the ledge tonight better come into the lounge, it's that chilly we could even light the fire!  Sleep tight penguins! xxxx

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember in reply to FormerMember

    Evening all, sorry you find yourselves on this site Grace and Anj but as everyone has said keep posting we ate all on the same position some further down the line like me, but I couldn't have got through without the love and support from all the lively penguins. I have already done a big post and managed to lose it somewhere. Roemary sorry to hear about Becham I know what it is like to lose a pet. Glad I decided to get Bud though he is great company. Helen glad work went ok and enjoy London with Nat. Lynne hope you get Internet sorted. Gayle enjoy your hold and have a good rest. Judi how's Kat now? Ailsa you are always so busy I could do with you in Scotland. Darren off to Alton Towers early in the morning for the weekend so on my own, been very weepy this week and down even having a cry at work not been like that for a wee while. Well I will try and post this again fingers crossed. Hugs to you all. Fiona xxxxxx

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember in reply to FormerMember

    Evening all

    Grace my darling - I don't need to say anymore to you than you are always welcome, you know that.  The mutts say hello to your hounds - and I am blowing a kiss up north to you. xxxxx

    Anj, stay with us please.  I think at the moment nothing at all will make any sense and yet you will cope and carry on with previously unknown strength for a while yet.  Just one hour at a time hun, that's all you do for now.  I hope that your babies manage to give you 'moments of normality' in what is the most unreal time you find yourself in.  Just stay with us, we do genuinely all know how this time can be. 

    Rosemary, glad to hear from you darling - and yes, I am exactly the same in that anything (and in fact everything) relates to the loss we now feel.  Today I even found myself upset/angry at a song that wasn't even written until after Ed died ....... I was just mad that he wasn't around to hear it cos he would have loved it .... how crazy is that. 

    Lynda, you need to be doing a little self-cosseting I think.  We all seemed to find that our bodies said 'enough, I'm tired' after a few months.  So please look after yourself as best you can.  As our wise sage Sue says, eventually you will find a real smile on your face, and something will make you laugh out loud.  And although, that in itself can give pangs of guilt, you will realise that there is joy out there ... it is just harder to find. 

    Munchkin - it is my job, not yours, to be the holder of the title "latest packer possible" - so get on with it!  Have a wonderful time and try, try, try to relax and recharge those batteries.  I think Patricia will be back with us soon from her camping hotel!  Hope it was good hun.

    Helen, enjoy London, you will I know.  Lynne, get that broadband up and functioning will you, I will have to stand the Penguin Army down soon, they are getting restless, hungry and are beginning to wander round in circles!

    To all my lovely penguins, so much love.

    Judi xx

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember in reply to FormerMember

    Sorry about spelling mistakes getting tired x x

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember in reply to FormerMember

    Hi Fiona - must be something in the Scottish air - tears here this week too!!  Love J x

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember in reply to FormerMember

    Hello everyone the 'pest' is back lol. I drove all the way home from Cornwall (around 417 miles) this is the furthest I have ever driven without having someone to share the driving.

    Firstly I want to offer my sympathies to Rosemary on the sad loss of Beckham, how distressing for you all. Why oh why did you let me ramble on the other day about my woes when you must have been very upset yourself? All I can say is thank you and I wish I could have beent there for you too.

    Grace and Anj, welcome to this place of sanctuary. The people who post here are in my eyse nothibg short of angels. They have been a good support at timnes of extreme need, listeninbg without judging. Offering unconditional love and suport with no expectation of getting anything in return. I do hope that you can gain some solace and support from posting here.

    I have missed you all whilst I have been away and have spent ages reading all your posts. I hope that you are all having a reasonable weekend.

    Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

     

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember in reply to FormerMember

    Morning everyone.  Fiona has reminded me again of the dreaded lost post.  I'm sorry you have been so down this week Fiona.  Do you think anything in particular triggered your tears?  I hope you are feeling better today.  My weather is a good indicator for Darren at Alton Towers as I am a bit closer than you so looks like he will be okay.  It is dry but no sun.  Not too much cloud though.

    Judi I had a similar experience with a song that I knew Chris would have liked.  In the end I put it on a card and lamenated it so that I could leave it at the cemetary.  I think I used it for Chris's birthday.  Not the same as him actually hearing it but the best I could do. 

    Rosemary good luck looking at the horse today.  I am sure you will know once you have met this one whether it is the right time to have another or not.  Just as Judi said it is very hard trying to deal with these things on our own.  It really rubs salt in the wounds doesn't it?  Not much sun here but can't really complain as there hasn't been much rain either.  Linda is coming up my way soon so she will be coming to see me and let me see the full size plan of the window.  The builder fitted the frame yesterday so I finally have the round window frame in place - always makes me think of play school Judi!  I keep going to look at it as I can't believe it is finally there.  I have wanted a round window in this house for 30 years.  It was Chris's idea to put it in this wall so I find it tearful to look at it but I smile as well as Chris would be thrilled that this is coming together.  The double glazing people also did their bit yesterday.  They weren't due until next Friday but rang to see if they could do it yesterday.  I have Monday off work to let the plumber remove the old sink so I think that with some careful planning I can finish the new store room by the end of Monday.  Then I can concentrate on the bathroom.

    Right - I am going to post this in case I lose it! xxx

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember in reply to FormerMember

    Grace, Anj, of course you must join us here.  Welcome but as others have said - I am sorry you find yourselves needing to be here at all.  Anj you will find that Gayle also has 2 very young children and has to deal with the unique problems that go with managing their confusion about what has happened.  You might both find some benefit from reading some of our early posts and seeing how we were and how we have been along the way.  The support and companionship from my friends on here is what gets me through.  I am sure I would be in a bad place without them all.

    Lynda I found the 6 months mark a very difficult time.  Helen & I lost our husband's within days of each other and the 6 months clashed with my youngest daughters first birthday without her dad just as it did for Helen and both her children.  As Sue mentioned it also fell very near Christmas for some of us.  6 months is a very difficult marker wherever it falls in the year so I am not surprised you are finding it hard.  Give yourself a break and try to find some nice things to do - like being with your grandson as he makes you smile.  Counselling isn't for everyone but I have had some very good counselling from CRUZ.  If you are not sure give them a call.  I had to wait 8 months on their waiting list so it is worth ringing them now even if you decide later that you don't want to go after all.  My counsellor was lovely and I could have gone to just one meeting if I wanted. 

    Patricia well done doing that huge drive on your own.  I hope you took plenty of breaks.  Have you had a good time?  I really hope you enjoyed your break and that maybe you have slept a little beter while you have been away.

    Gayle I assume what you haven't packed by now isn't going!  Have a wonderful time.  I bet you sleep for the first 3 days.

    Helen have a great time in London.  I have been looking for an excuse to use 'pedestrian' mode on my sat nav so I am really jealous.  Stu hates to look like a tourist so he would empathise with Nat.  Lynne have you got your broadband sorted out yet?  I hope so as I don't fancy the thought of Judi heading up an army of penguins marching down to sort it out (including the blue face paint!).

    That's more than enough from me so I will get off.  Hope you all have a good day.  Take care.  Ailsa xxx