My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hello everyone.  Might just beat my curfew if I try hard tonight.  I hope you are all okay this evening.  Sorry Rosemary - I haven't been for the dreamcatcher yet but I will very soon.  There is one in each of the other 2 bedrooms to I might just pinch one of those for the time being - my need being greater an all!!!  I like the sound of the reflexology.  I will look into that as I have heard of that helping with sleep before.  I have been to my plates again tonight.  It is really starting to help my back now.  I have very little pain these days.  There is still some stiffness and it could do with being stronger but I am getting there.  On the strenght of that I am going to a dance class on Wednesday.  It is a rock n roll class but my friend is married to a rockabilly and we need to be able to keep up as it is his band I go to watch in my efforts to see more live music.  I am not a huge rock n roll fan but it is always fun and beggars can't be choosers.

Jennybb your post was so lovely and inspring for the future.  I am so pleased that feel you may have turned a corner in this awful process.  I think I am getting there, as like you there is no new man in my life but I am confident that is not what I am looking for right now.  A while ago I was using that as a measure of my progress - was I ready to be with someone else?  Then I realised that there were several ways of doing this and I myself was not ready to meet someone but that didn't mean I had to stay in this deep state of mourning until I was ready to meet someone.  I feel like a big weight was lifted the day I realised there were several ways to skin this particular cat.  I don't think I have turned the corner that you have yet but I am certainly happier now I have realised I can do it in my own way when I am ready - hope that all makes sense.

Lynda I am glad you have a diagnosis and maybe you can soon be better with the antibiotics.  Take care x

Gayle I hope that packing is coming along.  I think the speeding fines seem like a sure sign you are ready for a holiday.  Have a great holiday but get lots of rest.  That was tough for you all visiting Wully's family.  I seem to have to do all the running when it comes to keeping in touch with Chris's family.  My family is close but Chris's isn't.  I am finding it hard work trying not to lose touch with them >  It hasn't taken them long to drop me from their radar.  I am not really sure how hard I should be trying but they are certainly making me jump through hoops to keep in touch. We will just have to se how it goes.

Lynne I hope you get the lappy sorted out soon.  Every day mine becomes a more important life line.  Can you take it to a lappy doctor.  My brother speeded mine up just by stopping loads of programmes running in the background everytime I switch on.  My desktop is going slow now so I may have to have a go at that one myself.  How is your hand?  I hope it is on the mend by now.

Fiona it sounds like you had a good time babysitting for Charlie at the weekend.  Best wishes for Wednesday and the golf tournament in Dereks name.  I will keep my fingers crossed for good weather.  I hope you can get soemthing sorted for the wedding that clashes with JE in September as I am looking forward to meeting up with you again.

Well I am past my deadline but never mind.  Bren you have done loads of driving recently.  Well done.  I saw the photo of the tree and the plaque.  They look great.

Helen you are sounding vaguely bored but I sure you will find something to fill your time until you break away.

Sue I am sure ladies of leisure do not hoover up the bodies of flying ants!!

Well I had better go for this evening as I keep nodding off and typing complete rubbish (nothing new there I hear you cry).  If I stay on I will end up posting something really stupid.  Take care eveyone.  I get my house back to myself for 3 days this week while Dick and Liddy are both away.  Gives me a chance to get some chores done.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxxx

Wizzing in and waving, will try and catch up later.  Beckham is a very sick horse, had to rush him to equine hospital yesterday evening with "grass sickness" (which non horsey people will probably think mad as that's what they eat isn't it?) impacted large intestine and horses can't be sick so the stomach filled with fluid (15 litres emptied via nasal tube) and not good.  Waiting to hear from vet at the moment but not sure what to do as recovery can be long and much work and is it fair on the horse and we have already decided we don't want to go for surgery as we think that is too much for him to go through.  Will be back later but please send some penguin hugs through the cyberspace I think we may need them later.  Hugs to all of you .xxxxxxxxxx

huge ((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))) for you my friend ; i know only too well the specail place that our animals hold in our hearts, and how difficult the decisions are.

thinking of you.

Sue xx

Sending you a hug too Rosemary.  As you know I had 3 horses so I know how serious grass sickness is.  I'm so sorry you are having to go through this and I hope Beckham is one of the lucky ones.  Take care xxxx

Hi to all on this site -- starting to feel a bit more human with the pills -- but got the dreaded side effects antibios bring ( racing to the loo + itching) --struggle on maybe. Weather has gone really miserable just when I had a pile of bedding to wash. Hope everyone is having a good time on holiday + the weather is being kind to the. Had the 17 mth old grandson on Sunday -- whew still putting the house to rights . Love the pictures Sue, I can barely  write mail so dont know how u do it. Love + hugs to all xx ;Lynda

Rosemary keeping everything crossed. Hope he gets through it xxx Not what you need at the moment xx

Lynda glad you re feeling bit better, weather awful here too, typical school hols!!

Fiona enjoy your wedding and wearing a dress!! I start my job on 31st aug but going in tomorrow and next wed for few hours. Looking forward to it!! Hope the golf and presentation goes well tomorrow x

Hi Ailsa, rock and roll lessons sound like fun!! Glad you re feeling more settled, its funny isnt how now we are doing this journey so differently but right for each of us so differently. Well we think its right, we really dont know do we lol!!!

Well I had a very weepy day in the end yesterday, dont know where that came from but feel ok again today. Catching up on housework and generally just pottering round the house but more settled today. Liam and Nat are out so much more now so I think I am becoming more aware of being alone when I m in, need to get out more lol!! Taste of things to come in next few years when they both go to college etc so more reason to sort my own life and social side out.

Sorry penguins, moan over. Hope everyone is ok today

Bug higs

Helen xxx

Guten Morgen meine Lieben

I think that means Hello my darlings!

Well, that is me home.  Munich is a beautiful city, absolutely lovely.  I so missed being able just to log on though and see how you all are and keep in touch.  My friend, Sheena, and I went to watch her son who has been picked for the London Olympics (he is a rifle shooter) at the World Championships, he came 14 in the world - quite an acheivement. 

Well we zoomed round Munich on the Underground and taking public transport everywhere ... it was SO efficient, quite incredible.  But would someone please explain why, when I am such a scaredy cat at home I don't think twice about it when away???  I am reknowned for having absolutely no sense of direction at all at home, and I mean that even after living here for 25 years I get lost all the time.  But put me in a foreign city with a map and I am an absolute demon!  Sheena was in fits the whole time as I took charge as to which way we should go and how to get there the easiest.  But as soon as we arrived back at Aberdeen Airport I had to ask her which way to turn at the first roundabout on the way home!!

So all in all a great success ......... but .... and you know what's coming don't you.  Had to take myself off for an hour of so each day, normally about 5ish, for a 'quiet hour'.  I really don't know if it is because I have 'problems' with just accepting that I am enjoying myself without Ed and the associated guilt that goes with that or what.  Anyway, have done the 'coming back to an empty house' bit and am now fine.  Going to pick up the dogs in an hour or so and see if we can get the lampshade of madam's head and the stitches out.

Am with you every stop Rosemary and sending Beckham some special cyber vibes. 

I am going to read everyone's posts later and check in with how you are all feeling etc.  but til then just know that I send you all so much love.  

Judes xxxxx

Oh, and don't shout ....... but I forgot to take my camera!!!!!!  And I don't have to worry about doing my holiday washing and ironing because I believe my suitcase is residing quite happily somewhere in France at the moment!!!!

J xx

Hi Judi, welcome back xxx

You need to come to London with me at the weekend and help me work the underground out!! Think I ll be relying on Nat lol xx

Glad you enjoyed it and well done to your friends son, Fantastic!!!  That big hole is still there isnt it no matter how hard we try to fill it xxx Think we re all doing great though getting out and about and going to new places, even though we all dont feel like it xxxxx Well done you xxx

No photos!!! What are you like xxxx

Hope Kat is ok xxx

Helen xxx

Hi Judi Welcome back glad you   had a good time and I am sure your suitcase will catch up with you soon.My weekend has been awful I spent it in my bedroom in tears, I just could not stop them coming the weekend before was the same. I seem to be ok . ish when I am at work but the weekends are bad I don't even want to see the kids or go out anywhere. I am struggling more now than I did in Feb when Bert died. I feel as though I have fallen into a big black hole and cannot pull myself out of it. Yesterday a patient asked me how Bert was doing and if his transplant had worked I know I will get that for a while but it took my completely by surprise and I honestly don't know how I managed to answer him. 

Anyway I better get back to work hope everyone is ok

                        Love Teri