My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

hi everyone, I am back in Montreal now, I will have to read all of your posts to catch up, this computer at MIL's is so very slow.

It was nice in Gaspe, very hot but right on the bay so cool breezes.  There were 9 of us there, all Danny's family and me and two dogs, I stayed in the house Dan's father was born in with his brother and his son, no electricity, no plumbing! but a short walk across the field to the cottage with a bathroom.  It was really really good to spent that much time with family. 

We had a nice day for Dan's birthday last week.  I took the ashes and slowly walked along our beach to a spot where we always sat.  I let him go all along the way in the water, his oldest brother took a handful and threw them into the water, of course the wind was blowing my way!  I got some all over but that was ok, Danny would have laughed at that.  The brothers planted the tree I had bought, it was a Virginiga Shrub with red leaves so it stands out.  It is partway down the field towards the bay and there is a wonderful view from there, a nice spot to sit.  One brother made a cement base for the plaque and put it in for me.  Later on that evening we sent up sky candles, they were so lovely except that we had tried one the night before and it floated off to sea, the wind was in a different direction and my SIL thought we were going to burn down the forest! 

It was a nice tribute to Dan, I walked the beach on my last day to say good bye to him.  So far no major meltdowns, I feel good about what we did and most of us being together.   I always feel so peaceful there by the ocean and Max and I spent many days just sitting or walking on the beach, so good to relax.  I had thought today might be hard being alone in MIL's house but so far I am just really tired from that long drive.  My BIL had to pick up his son from his other grandparents way down the coast so we did the long tour all around the coast of Gaspe, 13 hours driving.  It is a beautiful drive and I have not done it for many years and having 3 drivers was good.  Today will be a rest day. 

I also climbed a mountain in Gaspe!  So proud of myself for that.  I went with the younger, fit people to find an old plane crash from 1948 up in the mountain.  I was dragging and took a long time but I made it up.  There is a nice memorial there and the tail part of the plane.  I really do need to get in shape, it was a hard clumb but I did it. 

Monday, my cousin arrives from Newfoundland and Tuesday we are off to Plattsburgh New York to see our cousins there. 

Hugs to all, I am going to try to post this, this computer is so slow.

love

Bren

wow, Bren what an amazing time you have had, and what a very fitting tribute to your Dan. i can picture the lovely shrub and the plaque, and how wonderful for you to be able to scatter his ashes in that place which meant so very much to you and your familly. Your post gave me a warm glowing feeling - thank you for sharing, bren,

love and hugs

sue xx

Thank you Sue.  What a wonderful picture of Perce Rock.  I saw it this year on the way home for the first time in many years, it is only an hour away from us but we drive the other way usually.

Welcome back Bren and thanks for accepting my apology for getting Dans name wrong , your trip sounds amazing and like Sue says , it leaves you with a warm glow xx

Now ladies , if you knew how frustrated i get when i read your posts on my phome but cant reply , i let the pink track suit go Dottee and Patricia lol (with matching head band indeed ) but today i dont know how you can mock me for even thinking off going up a ladder Helen,  Sue and Judi , now come on what have i ever done to make you think i really am calamity Jane ?      oh ok point taken , i wont be going up any ladders even though i have been up a step ladder most of the week , see no mishaps lol ..

I'm almost packed for my trip tommorow i have enough stuff to live for a month out there and i do think a penguin camping meet is a good idea (might change my mind tommorow ) but lets face it all we want to do is sit and talk so to sit round a camp fire with a little drink or too would be ideal , i'm up for that one (cant see Gayle or Patricia doing it though ) they will be in the local B and B next door lol .

 I'm sending big hugs to Fiona and Ailsa today and hope your snuggled in the middle for as long as you need to .

 The advice you all gave Gayle was spot on , we have spoke about it before and thats why i cant add any more . I've got the little kids with me for now as i wont see them over the weekend so i'll say bye for now and hope to get back on later ..

Take care all Lynne xxx

Hi everyone

Bren I echo what has already been said, your trip sounds great and your scattering of the ashes perfect xx

Lynne enjoy tomorrow, Liam is camping out tomorrow too!! Trying out a tent they ve all bought for the Leeds festival. Nothing like sitting outside the tent, watching the stars with a few drinks. Need to do it!!

Well I got my roof done this morning, he cleared my gutters, replaced a couple of slates where it was leaking and he wouldnt charge me!! Lovely of him but wanted to pay him so think I will put some money in an envelope for him to have a beer on me. So lovely of him xx

Been food shopping and done my garden today. Having a quiet night tonight then spending tomorrow with my friend. Think we re going for a walk then having a meal and spending the evening here. How weekends used to be, so enjoying it xx Just different but how it is now x

Whats everyone else doing?

Helen xxx

Hi Bren, reading your post made me feel that i was actually with you walking along the shore. Is the tree one of the ones you see along the roadside that I was told is known as a firebush due to it's flame red colour?  Enjpoy the rest of your trip if you can.

As many of you keep asking how I am I will just say that I am finding things a little difficult right now but so are many others. I slept long enough to dream the other night and I saw Ray in my dream. It was such a real scenario that when I woke up I was shocked to realise that he is no longer here with me. This is the very first time I have dreamt since he died and although it was lovely to see and speak to him I am now devastated beyond comprehension that it was only a dream. Why oh why is life so cruel?? Last night I was back to the old can't sleep situation and as a consequence have had a pretty rough day. Anyway, there you have it.

I hope you all manage to have a good evening.  Special hugs to everyone who needs them.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Brenda its good to see you back online again, And really good to know that you are having a good time, albeit a bittersweet time. Patricia I am sure that the reason I don't sleep well is because I don't want to wake up from my dreams if Bert is in them, so I seem to fight sleep just in case. Gayle everyone else has answered your question pretty much the same way I would have. Hope everyone else is well I have to go as my bath is running. Early night as I am working tomorrow we are getting a new computer system in the surgery so it will be mayhem next week

Love to all

Teri

Sending big hugs to you too Patricia , i know what you mean about the dreams , i'd only had 1 dream about Gordon since he died and then i had 3 in the 4 days , it was most unsettleing and it was Sue who calmed me down after those . I hope you dont stay to upset Patricia but i know your struggling hun ,Take care xx

Evening everyone,

Thanks again for the all the spot on advise.  I will just have to learn patience and what will be will be.  Things got a bit more complicated today (as is always the case in my life!!!) as I had met someone a few months ago before this one who was then posted abroad.  We have kept in touch as he was a lovely, kind person (and very different to current friend in that he is laid back and uncomplicated) and I knew he would be home soon but he text me today to say he just got back last night.  So if life wasn't complicated enough it just got worse. Answers on a postcard lol.

Helen, your weekend sounds lovely and I know what you mean about this is how it is now and we just have to make the most of it.  Glad you got the roof done.  How lovely that he did it for you - just proves there are nice people around us.  Ailsa & Fiona, hope you are doing okay and been thinking of you both.  Patricia, I'm sorry to hear about your dream.  I know what you mean that it would have been lovely at the time but very cruel when you wake up from it.  Lack of sleep never helps my emotions either.  Bren, your trip and the story about the ashes sounded lovely.  Glad you managed to have a nice time.  Sue, glad you had a good day with Alice and a bit of retail therapy!  Lynne, have an amazing time in the tent and can't wait to hear all about it.  I have no doubt that you will put it up perfectly and yes you are right - I will be in the 4* hotel with Patricia (not a B&B lol) right beside the campsite for the penguin camping trip :-)  Bug higs to my special Auntie Judes.  We will need to get a chance to meet up again soon. 

I got some good news today from work.  After my talk with my boss, I now have a substantial pay rise and possibly a share in the business (and a new phone lol).  This would be a huge thing for me and the boys and would secure our future long term in a big way, so very promising.

I am off tomorrow to see Toy Story 3 in 3D tomorrow with the boys and then we are heading up to the caravan for the night.  I have decided to sell it as I never use it so it is a huge waste of money so want to take pictures so that I can advertise it.  So busy weekend which is always good and then back to work Monday for yet another busy week (although much happier about it now!).

Take care penguins and hope your weekends go okay.

Gayle xxx

Just popped on before hopefully going to sleep.  Gayle, so glad about the payrise etc - how lovely for you to at least have one area of your life sorted. The rest sounds pretty chaotic, but no change there!

I've had to have my wedding and eternity rings cut off today; my arthritis means that the knuckles have swollen too much to get them off, and the skin beneath them was red raw. i've decided to have mine and Alan's rings melted down and made into a pendant which will have a pale blue topaze (from another ring that I had to have cut off as well)   set into  it. strange feeling, but it had to be done.

sue xx