My husband - Chris - died on the 2nd May 2009 because he had anal cancer. He knew he was going and we spoke about lots and lots of things before he died. That is why I am just not prepared for the huge amount of guilt I feel now. I feel guilty that the world hasn't stopped turning round even though he has died. I feel like everything should stop as a mark of respect. I also feel very guilty that he had to be so ill he had to die. What a cruel cruel thing it is to make someone so ill their body just stops working. I wasn't ready for him to go. I really really hope these are normal feelings because I must hang on to my sanity for the sake of my 3 children. I have never known sadness like I feel right now. I can't believe that I will not hear his voice or feel his touch again. We were married for almost 32 years and I have known Chris for 34 years - since I was 16. What happens now? Ailsa
Gayle and Lynne sending huge hugs and will be thinking of you both.
Welcome to piglet, so sorry you have to join us but I hope we can all be some support for you as these lovely ladies and Dave have been for me.
Sinking deep into my hole once again, not because of father's day because we didn't celebrate it. Must be the stress at work, a long summer looming ahead, my birthday coming up, who knows but have not surfaced much all weekend, only to go in and do a few hours work yesterday just to keep from having a total breakdown next week. I do know it will pass but I am feeling so very lonely lately.
Gayle, sounds like you had a lovely day with your boys and I know you have made a wonderful memory for them.
Hugs to all
dear bren
sending you (((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))) and love across the world. Don't let that black hole swallow you up - keep on posting xxx
We're not doing so great today are we? Like Helen, I read all your posts earlier and had a good cry... one of many times so far today. I just keep thinking about this time last year, and that we had no idea at all that it would be Miles' last father's day. H has been really low for the last few days too, and today has been very hard for her. I feel so useless...
Well, yesterday was a success - thanks for all your well wishes! Was shattered by the time we got home, luckily MIL had invited us for tea - she knew that we probably wouldn't have eaten if she hadn't! Had a nice meal and a few glasses of white and tried to get an early night, but still couldn't sleep. I am so sick of feeling exhausted... blasted useless sleep patterns!
Anyway, am off to make a tiramisu in a minute - will have to do some extra walking this to burn of the calories! So will just say welcome to Piglet, sorry you have had to join us, but glad that you have found us. Be gentle with yourself, we are here anytime you need a hug...xxx
Manda x
Evening everyone,
Thank you all for the messages and texts - it has helped a lot. Today is still feeling a bit surreal but the boys have now went to my parents and after I have finished cleaning out 3 wardrobes (I know but it helps lol!) then I am going to have some quiet time and go through Wully´s things that I put in a box last year. I too had a cry when I read the posts and then a good laugh at Joey (sorry Joey!). What a daft dog lol. My Billie is a bit like that too. Its just been one of those days for all of us and I knew we would all be feeling it. Lynne and I were texting this morning and were both cryingat the same time and horrible as it sounds it makes you feel less alone when you know others are feeling the same if you know what I mean.
We all went to the beach this morning and the boys wrote a card and collected shells again for Wully. They were all excited that the shells we left the last time weren´t there as they are convinced the angels came and took them to their daddy. However, then Ewan decided to sit down with his arms crossed and not budge as he didn´t want to go home but wanted to wait and see the said angels lol. Had to bribe him to come home as he can be very stubborn (don´t know where he gets that from). Some idiot family lit a fire down the beach which by the time we had reached our special place had become a large inferno so of course the fire engines came and where we sit we have a good view right along the beach and across the water so the boys were very excited about that. I suppose it kept things light. My parents and sister and her boyfriend came over this afternoon and I have had lots of calls and texts and emails. Tomorrow is going to be a quiet one where I will visit the crematorium and perhaps the hospice.
Anyway, I might be back later as I imagine it will be a late one tonight. Wully died at 23.55 so I am sure I will be raising a glass then and to all our lovely "daddies" today.
Gayle xxx
Well done everyone, especially Gayle for getting through today xxx
Nat and I took some flowers to Paul tonight, they looked nice. Hopefully he s having a pint and steak somewhere which he would much prefer to flowers lol!! Paul s sense of humour comes back to me a lot and not sure how people take it sometimes but it helps me xx It was his humour that helped so much through his treatment and illness, he was so brave xxx Sorry for waffling, having a moment xx
Anyway, here s to all the lovely Dad s that should still be here but sadly not xxxxx
Night lovely penguins
Helen xxxx
I know exactly what you mean. Wully had a very good sense of humour and all the hospital and hospice staff always commented on it. If you didn´t laugh you would cry so we both tried to keep our humour. Wully too would have rathered a dram and a steak than some shells lol.
I´m 2 wardrobes down, 1 to go... so better get my finger out.
Gayle xx
Come out of the wardrobe Gayle! Big (((((((((hugs to you))))))))) and lots of love. Keep swimming with the penguins - and tell Ewan that the angels don't come for the shells whilst little boys watch, they are like the Tooth Fairy and Father Christmas, they have to wait unitl small boys are asleep in bed.
Have a good day everyone - mid summer day, longest day of the year, hence shortest night. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Morning everyone. I hope everyone is okay today. I had a bit of a houseful yesterday so I didn't get a chance to come back on. I dropped Toni off just after 10 and was very tired after an exhausting day. I can't post when I am tired as I sound a bit like I have drunk a bottle of wine - not pretty. I have been catching up on all your posts so very well done to everyone who found ways of spending yesterday. I still haven't really got over losing my post yesterday so I will try topost properly again this evening.
Part of yesterday's post was a welcome to Piglet. I am so sorry to read that you lost your husband. I hope you will feel some support by joining us here. They are all so friendly and we try hard to 'huddle' round anyone needing special hugs. I hope you and your son are managing. Take things very carefully xx
Gayle I am so pleased you have found some lovely things to do this weekend as well as some useful things - 3 wardrobes!! Lots of ((((((hugs)))))) to you and your 2 little boys.
I need to go again as I really must get ready for work. I seem to be struggling with fitting everything in recently. I know that that probably means I am trying to do too many unimportant things but I don't sem to be able to figure out what is important and what isn't so I am just going hell for leather all the time and getting nowhere fast. Might be the garage and getting ready for Becky & Declan moving in. Yes Rosemary - I spoke to Linda and she was lovely. I got the information I need for the window frame and I will be ringing her this week with some she needed. Well must be off so take care everyone. Ailsa xx
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