Hi everyone, my wonderful husband Mart died 3 weeks ago today. We had a really wonderful send off for him on Wednesday. It was so well attended, he'd have been really happy to see how loved he was. I hope he could see us. I wanted a burial so that we all had somewhere to go to visit. I went yesterday to the cemetery but I didn't really feel comforted by it as I thought I would. I'm hoping when there's a headstone and I can put personal stuff around, it might feel better. He was only 54. It feels so unfair. He loved life, I mean really loved it. He was full of beans, always wanting to do things. I'm more of a homebody. How can I be a widow at just 50?! He was my soulmate. I've seen how other couples are and chatted to friends. A few have said they've never experienced true love, someone they can't live without. I envy them right now. I want to "want" to live life to the full because that's what he wanted for me and that's what he wanted for himself but sadly didn't get to. I felt for many years that he would get cancer and die in his early 50's. His Dad died aged 53, nearly 54 and his Grandmother (same side) died aged 52. Both had cancer. I knew it would come for him. I feel sometimes like I made it happen because I simply felt it would. He was diagnosed 16 months before he died and given "months rather than years" to live. He fought so hard. He didn't want to die, he wasn't ready. I wanted it to be me instead. We have 2 adult children, 1 is 26 and has some mental health issues and ADHD and the other is 23 with autism, though he is on the milder end of the spectrum. If it wasn't for them, I would have gone with him to save this awful pain. I hope he is watching over us. Any tips on how to deal with this madness?
Julie xx
