My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Yes Sue I unbderstand that feeling. Hopefully as one door closes another will open. x x

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Evening everyone.  I have had a problem getting on here tonight.  Don't know whether it was just me but no matter - I am on now.  Well done Dot for completing the RFL.  I didn't see you or Alan but there were a lot of folk there weren't there?  Lynne, glad your internet is back on - panic!!!

Teri, Bren, lovely to hear you have met up a couple of times.  Teri I think I would have the same problem as you as I often find that even if Chris would have not been somewhere I am I still miss sharing it with him.  Bren your summer sounds very full - good idea, enjoy yourself.

A very dear friend of mine lost her husband to cancer last Sunday.  He died at home on the 6th June.  I spoke to her yesterday on the phone and she sounds so lost.  The same lady lost her daughter - in her 30's - to cancer a little more than 10 years ago.  What a truely dreadful disease it is.  I have tried to reassure her that she doesn't need to think about any other practicalities until after her husbands funeral on Wednesday.  I hope I might be able to see her on Saturday.  With the support of everyone here I have coped these last 13 months so I hope I can help my friend a little as well.

I should get off to bed so take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

Hi guys

I'm cold! Well, washing is done and on the line, bags all unpacked so back to normal.

Gayle my darling, just you get through the next week the best you can - and although different I think that we can all relate to a memory that you keep going back to even though it is so painful and heartbreaking. (((( ))))).  As for the boys, yes my darling every time they say something so poignant about their wonderful dad it will go straight to your heart and you will always wonder if you are 'doing things right' and how you can make it better for them.  You are there for them and love them and that is ALL they need.  Now what I am going to say next might sound a odd, it is really not meant to.  All children have the inbuilt ability to find the ONE thing that we worry inside about, they don’t know they do it, they don’t mean to do it – they just can.  When he says about you being away working darling he is just meaning that he loves it when you are home – but EXACTLY as you said – you are looking at the ‘big picture’ and doing the best and right thing for your boys.  Children don’t have to look at the ‘big picture’ hun, they just see how it is that very minute.  You do a difficult and stressful job, and you do it damn well.  It is a wonderful skill that you have and it is part of what makes you Gayle.  Turn it round, you would not want either of your boys not to do what they are good at, what they excel at.  So just you go on doing what you do.  ((((((    )))))))  Just can’t picture you sitting at home all day watching soaps somehow!!

Lynne, so glad you got your internet back – I think you could get quite scary if it went for too long and would start stalking 02’s Head Office!  Fancy asking if Sue would share Napoleon with you, ridiculous idea!!  He is busy getting her through to the end of term.   Bren and Teri, you meets sound wonderful, so glad that you have both found your first penguin.  Love all the pictures. 

Manda, hope H’s exams are going ok – look after yourself, I see there have been musical signs all over the place for you from Myles at the moment, how lovely.  Ailsa, so sorry to hear about your friend, what an amount she has had to deal with over the years.  I just know that you will be an amazing friend to her over the coming months.   Dottee and Patricia, as usual you are so lovely giving out hugs for all to share, love to you both.  New fishing spot heh Dottee???

Love to all you penguins out there, speak tomorrow. 

Judi xx

Hello everyone,

Thanks for the words and hugs and thoughts - it does help.  I am still holding it together but away for work at the moment. Home tonight or tomorrow - haven´t made up my mind yet. You are all right of course.  We didn´t know that it would be the end when he went back to the hospice and his end would have been a lot worse if he had been at home.   The hospice told me more than once that they were so glad he had went back in as they hadn´t seen him but only heard how he was from me on the phone and luckily a bed became available.  He had terminal delirum at the end and if he had been at home he would have had to have been rushed to the A&E at the local hospital and the hospice and I both said that would have been hell.  He would have been in a cubicle with a curtain round him with no dignity instead he was surrounded by people who loved him (including the staff at the hospice).  Anyway, I just wanted to pop on quickly and say thanks - you are all very kind and special and strong brave people.

Gayle xxx

Thinking of you Gayle. Hang on in there x x x

Hi all

Gayle just wanted to say I will be thinking of you this week, so hard coming up to the one year mark, personally I will be glad when this first year is over. So sick of all the firsts at least the 24th of each month does not seem to be affecting me the same.

I know it's easy to say but try not to feel guilty, you did the very best you could do for him and I am sure he knew that deep down and loved you for it. I had a similar experience, Colin was allowed home on the Thursday before he died, by Saturday he was coughing up blood so much of it, I remember being really frightened but he would not let me phone the hospital, did he know he would not be coming out again? It took me all day to persuade him, we sat in A&E for 2 hours, I can see us now, me trying not to cry and him drained, kids running around. Of course he was taken straight back to the ward and died the following Thursday. I felt guilty too but what else could I have done? At that point we both thought the chemo' was going to be a cure for him, success rate of 60-80%, just not in his case. So don't feel bad, try to keep focused on the good times you shared and put all the horrific memories away, I am sure he would not want you to dwell on them.

Love and hugs to you  xxxx Lesley

Gayle you dear, lovely lady and wonderful mother, we all do feel guiltiy for all sorts of reasons but you must try now to forgive yourself - we all have to do that. Maybe we don't actually forgive ourselves but we must find a way to accept what we did and why we did it and the fact is we can't change any of it and we wouldn't want to go back and do it again but different, no way could we take our lovely people back there.  Wully, Steve probably all our other halves were the same in that they wanted to stay at home, in our case we were lucky and we were able to keep Steve with us, but in your case and others events turned and meant you couldn't do that.  It was the turn of events which forced you to make that decision and it was made for all the right reasons it was NOT YOUR FAULT (not shouting just emphasising), by that time you and all of us were so tired that we could only do what we could do, we couldn't foresee the future we could only deal with the present - a bit like now in some respects - and if Wully can forgive you (which of course he has and now understands completely, he was so ill at the time neither of you could rationalise) then he would want you to forgive yourself too, or accept that it can't be changed and you did well with what you had to do then, in love and care for him.

Right I am going to stop lecturing now and just send you lots of love and hugs - to all of you - I hope I haven't upset you Gayle, or anyone else either, it's just me rambling on and trying to help you and wishing a hug would do it in a cyber kind of way.  Take care all of you xxxxxxxx

Hi Gayle

Like everyone has said we all have different feelings of guilt and if only!! but like you say A and E would be the last place you would want to be, the hospice was the best place to be xx We all did our best with what we knew at the time and coudnt have done anymore. I have lots of `I wish and if only` but Paul`s mum and dad have so kindly told me what a fab job I did and how I couldnt have done anymore. I so appreciate those words from them, I ll stop there as tears are coming from nowhere but just want you to know Gayle you did such a fab, hard job. We all know here how hard it was but we did it and our loved ones know we did our best xxx

Bug higs again for the next few days, `just keep swimming!!!!` xxxxxxx

Helen xxx

Evening All, Ailsa i couldn't get on last night either. Gayle sending you BIG HUGS and i am thinking of you and the boys hang in there you are doing a brill job with boys and you are so busy. As everyone else says we all feel guilty a bit, Derek wanted to be at home as well but it was not to be and i don't think he could have got any better care than he did in the hospice and i would have been so scared. Just as Helen says keep swimming. This kitten is keeping me on my toes he is such a whirl wind but enjoying him. Hope everyone else is doing ok? Teri glad you are enjoying your hols, i have not been away on holiday since Derek died. take over looking  after my dad on Fri so going to be busy for the next fortnight i will have to make his tea and stay and see him into bed he will not let us get care in.  I do hope he keeps ok when my sister is away. Lynne how's your dad?  Been a lovely day here today and think it's to be nice again to pity i have to work but off Thurs granny duties so hopefully get out a walk with  Charlie. Sending hugs to you all Fiona xxxxxxxxxxxxx 

Hi everyone.  Hi Gayle.  I keep finding myself thinking about you and your lovely boys.  Please try not to feel guilty.  You made the right decision with the options you had.  A & E would have been so much worse.  Soon after Chris was diagnosed I had to take him to A & E for pain and the doctors there didn't want to touch him because of his cancer.  We felt scared & isolated.  Wully will know now why he went back to the hospice and will not only have forgiven that choice but will be glad things happened as they did.  If it has to happen then it should happen surrounded by loved ones and people who really care.  Gayle I so admire your stamina and motivation.  Rosemary is very right about the things small children say - they say it exactly as they see it right now.  You set your children a wonderful example and when they can put that into words when they are older I know they will.  Take care xxx

I hope everyone else is okay this evening.  All of a sudden I am having a big problem with my back again so maybe I have been doing too much.  I'm hoping it is a little better in the morning.   Take care everyone.  Ailsa xx