My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Ha ha, nothing better than a busty day!!!!!!! Lol!!

Gayle your visit to the beach sounds lovely, well done!!

Oh if I have to.......I ll have a drink too tonight hee hee!!!! It is bank holiday as well xx

Bug higs Ailsa, hope your day has gone ok

Although it is the anniversary Thursday I have more got Tuesday night in my mind as that is the night I came home from work, Paul quickly went downhill and died early hours of Wednesday morning.(not sure of exact time as I was alone at home with him and it all went a bit mad...about 1.30am) So not really worrying about Thursday and as Ailsa said to me earlier hopefully by Friday I will be more relaxed and ready for the fundraising night xx

Had a good day shopping with Nat, she has got a new outfit for Friday and I needed shoes which I got

Lynne have a good night, pass to the beer tent!!! Cant be bad lol x

Hope everyone else has had a good Sunday xx

Helen xxx

Helen we will all be thinking of you and huddling in the cyberspace surrounding you.  Ailsa I am raising my third glass to you and to Chris, bless you both, hope you are still ok and the weekend is still calm for you. 

Thinking of you all xxxxxxx

Evening everyone.  Well the house is finally empty for the first time since Friday.  I am exhausted so it is nice to have the place to myself.  Today we all met at the cemetery and put lots of flowers there for Chris.  It looked lovely.  I am trying hard not to be bitter but there was nothing from any of Chris's family.  I will reserve judgement until tomorrow just in case they went after us but I don't think anyone will have been.  I don't know why I thought they would go because they were never a close family.  We saw a bit more of some of them when Chris got ill but there was a big row when Chris died that was kept from me about why some members of his family had been kept from the truth of how ill he was.  Nothing was ever kept from anyone and it was just the guilt of those concerned because they had not made the effort to visit.  I had hoped they had learned their lesson but clearly not.  The kids even believe that one of the reasons Chris died a quickly as he did in the end was because he was due a visit from some of his closest family members and he was dreading it.  Confined to the bed he had no control and could not escape.  I know it was a serious concern because he talked to me about it.  Never mind - it is their lose not mine.  I am not going to do anything about it as they are just not worth it but it makes me very sad.  He was worth 10 of them.  Luckily my family are very close and have been great.  Chris was very fond of my family so that is a good thing.

Gayle that was a lovely thing you did taking the boys to the beach and telling them about their Daddy and the magic dust.  I am sure it will be somewhere they go when they are older and want to feel close to Wully.

Lesley - busty day indeed.  Great typo for the weekend!!  Hope you got everything dine.

Helen - glad your shopping trip was a success and Nat has something ready for Friday.  I know I said it this morning but I still feel the same - Friday into Saturday was horrible and the culmination of a lot of vividly horrible days and memories but I feel calmer today as there are no horrible memories for today.  What happened had happened so the day was just one of stunned disbelief.  Today feels very similar but I am wiser a year on & not quite so stunned.  I feel sad and reflective but also determined to make Chris proud.  I need to pick myself up.  If you feel the same after Tuesday into Wednesday you will make Friday night a huge success in Paul's name.

Gayle the group on fb is an excellent idea.  I will have a look straight after this post.  Lynne I hope you are having a great time with your VIP tickets.  I am going to have to post this and then look back at the posts as I know I was going to say more but I can't remember what it was. I am sure it invloved Sue but need to have a look - hopeless eh???!!!  xxx

Well I have no idea what else I was going to say or how Sue, you were involved but never mind - what did I say about my memory earlier this weekend?!

Thanks to you all for raising your glasses to Chris.

Lynne I am glad things went well when you met up with your SD.  I don't think I have read anything from Judi for a bit so I hope you are okay Judes.  Rosemary I absolutely promise to ring you tomorrow.  Much as I love having becky here she takes over and I don't get a minute.  I am expecting Stu to give me a hand to start on the garage tomorrow but as it is a bank holiday he won't rush down so I will get some wide awake time to myself to make calls.  I hope everyone else is okay and having a good if cold bank holiday.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

Hello, my friends

ailsa, well done on getting through these last few days so well. i hope that i manage as well later this month - families can be a godsend,' thank goodness your family are supportive towards you, as Chris's family obviously have issues.

Busty lesley - nice one!  That one's a classic - almost as good as lynne's typos!

Lynne, glad you got on so well with SD this weekend, but i can understand how stressed you were beforehand.

helen, isn't it great to have a Sunday night where we can actually chill out because we don't have to go to work tomorrow Thinking of you and sending you huge (((((((((((((((((((higs))))))))))))))))))))) for this week. Your fundraising event in memory of Paul sounds fantastic; good luck too on your walk in may. i need to start a bit of training ready for the race for life in June. i have some trainers - bought them last year - but haven't actually worn them yet. Hmph!

Memory is going now; already spoken to gayle about her visit to the beach. i really must start taking notes as i read. Rosemary, well done on raising not one, not two, but three glasses to chris. Judi, where are you?

Lots of love to everyone else - teri, i hope that your family problems will be resolved and that you will get access to that lovely baby.

Sorry, everyone, brain turned to mush - have been doing schoolwork all day and can't think straight!

Sue xx

Hey Sue, where on earth did you find that picture of me???? I thought it had been consigned to the rubbish bin lol x x x

Ailsa good to hear you sounding so much calmer xx And of course Chris is proud of you, you have done fantastically xxx Keep it up!!xx

Sue yes I wish every Sunday night could feel like this lol xx

My glass is raised, only the first one I m afraid though Rosemary so ```Cheers````` everyone.....keep up the good work!!!

Helen xxx

I will raise a glass to Chris too Ailsa but I am afraid it will be non-alcoholic x x x sending special hugs to say well done for getting through the weekend x x x

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

p.s. Lesley I am reading the book you told us about and really enjoying it.

Hmm, yes Patricia, I found it interesting in parts, still not sure about some of it though. I was especially interested about the parts where she maintains peace etc is there for us all, the answers are already inside each one of us, there is no outside 'force'. It is kind of the way I was thinking anyway. Glad you are enjoying it. I like any books that are thought provoking, my reading is quite varied. I think my favourite books are George Orwells 1984 and The Time Traveller's Wife.

Really must try to get some sleep before Daniel wakes for a feed. I am sleeping quite well just now but have been having some nightmares these last couple of days, I hate it when that happens as I put off going to sleep, I am such a wuss!

Love Lesley x   (The busty one!)

HI everyone, I am here honestly! 

Most importantly massive hugs and well dones to you Ailsa.  Your mum and dad and Bex, Dec and Stu are the ones that matter hun.  You were altogether this weekend and that is how it should have been.  Both you and Helen have said exactly how it was for me too - this year it is not the 'date' but the day that gets you.  But here you are into a new week.

Sue, I think the picture of the discombobulated penguin may be my favourite!  I have spent the whole weekend trying to get hings in order and to some repairs around the place before they come to take photos of the flat this week.  Can anyone explain why I should be making it nice for someone else!!!  Although if you could look around the place right now it looks like a bomb has hit it!  Not out today apart from with the dogs as I put new silicon sealant around the bath and forgot that I wouldn't be able to shower for 24 hours!.  HAve also Polyfila'd a hole/crack in the celing and repaired the holes in the wall in the dogs bedroom where Kat used to try and eat the wall .... don't ask!. 

Next job is to fix a large mirror to the bathroom wall, all lathe and plaster here so what is initially a small hole made by the drill can very easily become a new opening to my bedroom ....... now there's a thought, if I kept drilling I could just make it an en-suite!  So a trip to B&Q tomorrow for some special fixings I think!  Followed by a little remedial wallpapering and painting and hope my repairs last long enough for people not to notice!

And to those of you who were whopping suppport - yes I was out til 1.45 this morning.  Supper up the road at a friends.  It is the group we always socialised with and I am still considered part of it - great fun and we had the most wonderful lasagne made with half beef and half salami - sounds odd - tastes marvellous.  A bottle of chilled rose followed by a sound sleep. 

Gayle I loved the idea of you and the boys at the beach and I can't think of a nicer way of explaining things to them, what a clever wee toot you are.  Lesley, we don't need photos of the bustiness thank you, but I believe we are STILL waiting for the haircut! 

Off to make a coffee - When our group have supper they always raise a glass to Ed so last night I aksed if they would have a sip for Chris and Paul too xxxxxx They are good and understand that I have special priorities now that they don't always know about, but just accept that it helps me. 

Night all - loads of love and I hoep that everyone makes the most of the Bank Holiday.

PS Rosemary .... is a packet of maltesers al it takes !!!!!!!

Judi xxx

I hope